My father has stopped contacting me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you can have dementia in your 50's or younger....

I understand that. My dad has no signs of dementia.

OP, your dad clearly DOES have signs of dementia. Early-stage dementia does not necessarily manifest solely via obvious intellectual deficiencies, nor via confusion. The stereotypes are inaccurate. Typically it's judgment and susceptibility to undue influence (which are related) that are the first voluntary behavioral traits or characteristics to exhibit deficits. Please do what you can to locate your father and to pursue a real medical evaluation.

He doesn't have dementia.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I spoke with him and told him how confused and upset I am. He seemed absolutely flabbergasted and proceeded to feed me a long line of excuses.
He told me that he doesn't like to speak via phone.
He lives over 30 miles from me so telephone calls are rather necessary. We left it with him saying he wants to see me soon but he can't until mid-May because he just has so much to do with his new girlfriend. I'm curious to see if he actually initiates contact. To be honest, I really don't want much to do with him, as his behavior disgusts me. I don't plan to contact him again.
I am working with my therapist as well to learn to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

OP I have had an actual similar experience and for none of the reasons previously proposed. I am working on the post, but have been pulled away from the computer numerous times so its in draft state. Will post hopefully by tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Ok her here it is:

OP, I may be able to "help". This is long, but its years of experience condensed as best I could.

After my mom died 20 years ago, my father went "girl crazy". He married someone he barely knew within two months. But, unlike your dad’s pattern, he did not find fault with her. She treated him TERRIBLY and once that treatment got bad, HE STOPPED COMMUNICATING WITH ME. In fact, he even acted like I was a problem for asking what was going on because I suspected something was going on.

Finally things came to a head, he told me she had cheated on him, written bad checks with his forged signature, etc etc. I helped him see a lawyer, he divorced her, etc. She left him almost penniless. But at least he was back in touch.

Then not too long after the divorce, he meets another woman, this one also clearly controlling and seemed to have a problem with him spending time any time with or communicating with me. He talked about marriage within weeks. THEN HE STOPPED COMMUNICATING WITH ME. Then things came to a head, he told me she had been jealous of him ever spending time with me, other neurotic controlling behavior.

Whew. He didn’t marry that one. Was this pattern over? Not by a long shot. He eventually met another woman, and while he was more normal acting for longer than usual, the ramifications were much farther reaching than ever because this time he got himself a bonafide narcissist.

During the “courtship” phase, HER family got to know him because he was always over there (under cover of supposed secrecy as you will see later). But I was not invited over there to meet her, first because “oh we will all have time to get to know each other” and then the reason changed to my not being able to visit because his girlfriend was taking care of a man as he was dying and he thought of her as his girlfriend but she isnt and so the dying mans family cannot meet him OR me because he must not know that she has a new boyfriend, etc etc etc. But somehow my dad was able to be there. The whole thing was so convoluted and ridiculous. But my father kept reassuring me he would not get married without getting to knew her and ME getting to know her so that my mind could be at ease that this was not like what happened before.

So what happened? He suddenly announced they are getting married and I had to show up to a wedding with strangers who all acted like they knew my dad for years, because they practically did. And then eventually my father starting acting all weird like all the other times and stopped coming by. I was sickened and furious. I finally managed to corner him and confront him straight up and this was the verbatim exchange:

Me: “Why arent you allowed to visit me?”
Him: “I cant talk about that.”
Me: “What do you mean you cant talk about that?”
Him: “I cant talk about that either”.

And if you think that is an unbelievable exchange you would be right. Its also the ONLY one that was honest about the situation.

Before I understood how a narcissist operates, I didnt realize that if I pull back or tell him he needs to visit me, HE would be punished by HER. Which is what happened. A narcissists control is complete and unrelenting, but its also insidious and subtle.

The poster who said you should check to make sure he is not in a cult was actually possibly more SPOT ON than anyone. Being involved with a narcissist means joining the cult of the narcissist OR ELSE.

Such a person would want their subject (their “ narcissistic supply”) to distance him/herself from family or really anything that indicates or reminds of an independent identity. Seems to fit your story of this new non communication.

Who falls victim to a narcissist? It could happen to anyone in a weakened emotional state, someone with unmet needs, someone with (as in the case of my dad) serious abandonment issues. Those stem from his childhood as an abused foster child. once I put all this together I forgave him and decided to just play nicey nice. It was the best thing I could have done. Its taken YEARS for him to come back to me emotionally, but its starting to happen. Im off the controlling womans radar and if SHE is happy, HE is happy. Its a sick relationship, but he does not see it that way AND NEVER WILL.

It could be your dad, getting up there in years and fearing being alone forever, has decided he needs to settle down and has found someone all too willing to completely direct his life in that effort. ITS NOT NORMAL for any person to not encourage or actively reach out and communicate with their loved one’s children. UNLESS they perceive them as a threat. Your dad, if he has not dealt with this type before, will have NO IDEA what he is dealing with. Every phone call, every communication with you may be costing him in ways that cant even be explained. Its a mind**** of the highest order. Narcissists are expert manipulators, and will convince people under their control that white is black and two plus two is five and ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

OP I am writing this long post because had I not had someone explain to me that this woman is a narcissist and had that person not LIVED in that house with my dad and his new wife I would have NEVER KNOWN what was going on. I was disoriented by my dads behavior and felt totally betrayed. I suffered terribly for many years learning how to let go and realize this was his choice, and its not personal.



I could go on for pages and pages. I hope this gives you some sense if this could be “it”. If so, please just read about pathological narcissism. It will drain you of your hope, but its important to understand the pathology and what people who get involved with one are in for. Your dads skills at finding fault with women in the past may not work in this case, sadly.

Best of luck. Talk to your sibs and see if they can help piece all this together.

[Anonymous]

PP again: Whenever my dad calls me, his wife is ALWAYS in the background commenting and participating in the conversation although we are not talking on speakerphone.

And recently, this is after they have been married for over 7 years, I HEARD HER PICK UP THE PHONE and eavesdrop on the conversation. My dad thought she was not home yet. I acted like I didnt hear it and just asked "So is H----- around"? and he said no, then I heard rustling as she hung up quickly and moments later he said "Oh she has just arrived!"

I woult not want to talk on the phone under those conditions. OP I really think its his girlfriend controlling him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I spoke with him and told him how confused and upset I am. He seemed absolutely flabbergasted and proceeded to feed me a long line of excuses.
He told me that he doesn't like to speak via phone.
He lives over 30 miles from me so telephone calls are rather necessary. We left it with him saying he wants to see me soon but he can't until mid-May because he just has so much to do with his new girlfriend. I'm curious to see if he actually initiates contact. To be honest, I really don't want much to do with him, as his behavior disgusts me. I don't plan to contact him again.
I am working with my therapist as well to learn to deal with this.

"doesn't like to speak via phone" == made me wonder if his hearing has deteriorated. My son has hearing issues (in his case, auditory processing, not being hard of hearing). He doesn't like talking on the phone because it's hard for him to understand and follow the conversation.

Or maybe his new partner has made it clear that he is not allowed to talk to you.

[Anonymous]

OP where are you? I hope you are reading this.