My father has stopped contacting me

[Anonymous]

You could contact a social worker for advice, or you could just wait until this relationship fizzles out when his 6 months are up. My cousin did this exact same thing, and we're still waiting for him to snap out of it and give us the time of day again. We all used to be really close, then he started a new relationship and *poof!* vanished. I'm sorry, OP.

And also…I know you've categorically ruled out dementia…but there's more than one kind. It doesn't necessarily mean forgetfulness and senility. Personality changes are actually usually the first sign. Suddenly cutting off contact with his children seems like a big red flag to me. Just saying.

FInally, his new squeeze may be encouraging him to cut off contact, either because she's possessive or after his money or has some other agenda. Something is definitely very wrong if you don't even know where he lives now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, your last sentence is "I'm completely confused." No you're not. He is behaving exactly as he as always has. There is nothing different or new about this behavior.

If I were you, I'd get into therapy to figure out how to reconcile the fact that your dad has never and will never put you first in his life. That is a sad, painful reality that must be dealt with head on. As others have said, he is addicted to relationships. It's no different than having an alcoholic father. The addiction comes before all else. You would probably get a lot out of attending an Al-Anon group because you would be around people in situations the same as yours---dealing with a loved one who puts their addiction before family.

He hasn't always been like this with women. I've stated before that not communicating with my sister and I is a completely new thing.
Dad is an alcoholic and has been sober over 30 years. I am very familiar with how people with addictions behave. I also regularly attend Al-Anon meetings, as well as personal therapy.
I really just posted on here to try to connect with someone who may have been through something similar.

[Anonymous]

Sounds exactly like my dad. No good advice.

[Anonymous]

Have you told him any of this? He is not thinking from your perspective so you need to lay it out for him rather than expecting him just to know. Be open with him that your kids miss him. Tell him point blank that it hurts when he stops contacting you. Sometimes when people get so wrapped up in their own lives, they forget how much that affects others. If the situation presents itself and you can do it without sounding judgmental, tell him how worried you are. That you understand life can be lonely alone and don't have a problem with him wanting a companion, but that physically and financially some of his actions raise red flags.

[Anonymous]

OK.

Is this new girlfriend somehow different -- younger, prettier, more "fake" (of course the latter is harder to judge).

If he is responding when you reach out then you should probably wait for this one to fizzle out and/or wait for evidence of real malfeasance like a new will, the new g/f helping herself to $$$, etc.

He will always be chasing tail, you cannot change this, he will not be the Ideal Grandfather you may want. I assume of course you are open to him dating other women and not coming out guns a-blazing for new g/f's because she is Not Mommy.

[Anonymous]

Perhaps he relapsed and is trying to conceal that from you and your sister? Would it be too dramatic to contact social services to make sure he's OK?

[Anonymous]

The fact that you don't know where he lives and he doesn't want to get together is alarming. I imagine something is fishy with this new relationship. Well, of course there is, they moved in together immediately and he has already given her a good deal of money - but I would be concerned about his mental state and the very real possibility that he is being taken advantage of. His relationship history reflects emotional and mental instability, so he is very vulnerable.
I get that he has always been this way, but the fact that he has stopped contacting you doesn't bode well (for him).
Have you expressed your concerns?

[Anonymous]

Sounds a lot like my dad too, except that my dad, I discovered, prefers very young strippers and prostitutes to respectable women. He is so secretive that he will leave the country for weeks at a time without telling me. The man I looked up to as a little girl is gone, never to return. In his place is someone obsessed with sex in the most disgusting, horrible way. He has no respect for women and expresses no interest in my kids anymore. He's just become a slime. It's embarrassing, and I have just learned to live without him in my life. He calls me once or twice a year, promises to come visit me "when winter is over" and then doesn't bother to show up. The last time he was here, he spent all of his time ogling women and wondering why I couldn't be happy for him and his exploits. I tried for years to talk to him about how this made me feel and nothing worked, so now I just have no relationship with him anymore.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sounds a lot like my dad too, except that my dad, I discovered, prefers very young strippers and prostitutes to respectable women. He is so secretive that he will leave the country for weeks at a time without telling me. The man I looked up to as a little girl is gone, never to return. In his place is someone obsessed with sex in the most disgusting, horrible way. He has no respect for women and expresses no interest in my kids anymore. He's just become a slime. It's embarrassing, and I have just learned to live without him in my life. He calls me once or twice a year, promises to come visit me "when winter is over" and then doesn't bother to show up. The last time he was here, he spent all of his time ogling women and wondering why I couldn't be happy for him and his exploits. I tried for years to talk to him about how this made me feel and nothing worked, so now I just have no relationship with him anymore.

your father is a sex addict

[Anonymous]

Yep, and I don't think I'm the one that can help him with it. At this point, I'm so repulsed by him, that I don't care if I ever see him again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds a lot like my dad too, except that my dad, I discovered, prefers very young strippers and prostitutes to respectable women. He is so secretive that he will leave the country for weeks at a time without telling me. The man I looked up to as a little girl is gone, never to return. In his place is someone obsessed with sex in the most disgusting, horrible way. He has no respect for women and expresses no interest in my kids anymore. He's just become a slime. It's embarrassing, and I have just learned to live without him in my life. He calls me once or twice a year, promises to come visit me "when winter is over" and then doesn't bother to show up. The last time he was here, he spent all of his time ogling women and wondering why I couldn't be happy for him and his exploits. I tried for years to talk to him about how this made me feel and nothing worked, so now I just have no relationship with him anymore.

your father is a sex addict

No reputable therapist or researcher believes in sex addiction. The 12 step model doesn't really hold up with regards to sex.

People can be compulsive about sex or destructive in their sexual behaviors, but it's not because sex is addictive. People don't get addicted to sex for its own sake, the way they get addicted to heroin.

[Anonymous]

well, whatever. The point is, she's obviously not going to have a relationship with her father at this point in her life, with the way he's choosing to behave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds a lot like my dad too, except that my dad, I discovered, prefers very young strippers and prostitutes to respectable women. He is so secretive that he will leave the country for weeks at a time without telling me. The man I looked up to as a little girl is gone, never to return. In his place is someone obsessed with sex in the most disgusting, horrible way. He has no respect for women and expresses no interest in my kids anymore. He's just become a slime. It's embarrassing, and I have just learned to live without him in my life. He calls me once or twice a year, promises to come visit me "when winter is over" and then doesn't bother to show up. The last time he was here, he spent all of his time ogling women and wondering why I couldn't be happy for him and his exploits. I tried for years to talk to him about how this made me feel and nothing worked, so now I just have no relationship with him anymore.

your father is a sex addict

No reputable therapist or researcher believes in sex addiction. The 12 step model doesn't really hold up with regards to sex.

People can be compulsive about sex or destructive in their sexual behaviors, but it's not because sex is addictive. People don't get addicted to sex for its own sake, the way they get addicted to heroin.

That is your opinion -- there are varying professional opinions -- just like with economics. I believe people can be addicted to sex, gambling, a lot of things. People use whatever high they get from these things to self-medicate and avoid dealing with whatever the real issues are.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds a lot like my dad too, except that my dad, I discovered, prefers very young strippers and prostitutes to respectable women. He is so secretive that he will leave the country for weeks at a time without telling me. The man I looked up to as a little girl is gone, never to return. In his place is someone obsessed with sex in the most disgusting, horrible way. He has no respect for women and expresses no interest in my kids anymore. He's just become a slime. It's embarrassing, and I have just learned to live without him in my life. He calls me once or twice a year, promises to come visit me "when winter is over" and then doesn't bother to show up. The last time he was here, he spent all of his time ogling women and wondering why I couldn't be happy for him and his exploits. I tried for years to talk to him about how this made me feel and nothing worked, so now I just have no relationship with him anymore.

your father is a sex addict

No reputable therapist or researcher believes in sex addiction. The 12 step model doesn't really hold up with regards to sex.

People can be compulsive about sex or destructive in their sexual behaviors, but it's not because sex is addictive. People don't get addicted to sex for its own sake, the way they get addicted to heroin.

NP here. Sorry, this is not true.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you can have dementia in your 50's or younger....

I understand that. My dad has no signs of dementia.

OP, your dad clearly DOES have signs of dementia. Early-stage dementia does not necessarily manifest solely via obvious intellectual deficiencies, nor via confusion. The stereotypes are inaccurate. Typically it's judgment and susceptibility to undue influence (which are related) that are the first voluntary behavioral traits or characteristics to exhibit deficits. Please do what you can to locate your father and to pursue a real medical evaluation.