s/o: trusts & large sums of money gifted to both spouses, or just one?

[Anonymous]

13:15 again - a lot of it is out of respect for the people who earned/saved it and what they would have wanted done.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:13:15 again - a lot of it is out of respect for the people who earned/saved it and what they would have wanted done.

PP whose marriage is reputedly "unhealthy" here. I completely agree. My parents were not wealthy but they were very frugal and worked hard to earn and save. My feelings about this money are related to my deep respect for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted on the other thread about best use of trust fund money. DH & I were married last year. In December, DH's mom told me they still had a wedding present for us but it was taking awhile to pull together. When DH & I visited MIL over the holidays, she told him (when I was not present), that they had made arrangements for a $2 million trust. I am not sure if this is supposed to be our wedding gift or not, but the paper work for it came last week and it is in his name only. I assume it is not our wedding gift, but am not sure and don't think there is a good way to find out. Thus, I feel like DH gets final say on whether we use some of the money for a down payment on a house or not.

In addition, his father gave us about $15k toward a down payment on a house, presented to both of us, but again written out to only DH.

I have wonderful relationships with all of my in-laws, and obviously will not go looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm feeling a little weird about this being DH's money and not mine, though. He seems to not want to touch any of it. I disagree, and if it were up to me we would use a chunk of it for a down payment on a home, then not touch any of the rest. For now I have not pushed the issue at all, just giving both of us time to digest it, so we have only briefly talked about it. The feeling is difficult to explain -- almost like a sudden power imbalance? (FWIW, my DH is a wonderful man and would involve me in any decisions, but that feeling of him getting the final say is still there).

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just a place to vent since I would never mention this to my friends or family.

Is it normal for gifts that are intended to be for both spouses to only be written out to one spouse?

If you're worried about equality - then here is an easy question for you: why not just ask your parents to make a similar gift to you - then you'll be equal? If you can't - maybe you'll appreciate the gift from your inlaws better. Don't create problems where there aren't any.

FWIW I set up trusts similarly for my daughters. In short: I wanted to protect them in the case of divorce. With over 50% of marriages ending in divorce - it is foreseeable and real possibility with your generation these days.
However - to put it a different way - if we didn't also trust our daughters, and LOVE THEIR SPOUSES - we would probably NOT have given them this gift so early. So my suggestion is that your inlaws love you too - but if they are over the age of 50 - they might think as my wife and I do too.

Finally - you may not have equal legal control over the money. So what? You didn't either with your parents growing up did you? Yet they shared it with you and provided for your needs....out of love. Same here with your husband IMO. Trust him and the relationship you've already built. You don't control his life and his heart either - he could share those with anyone....but he shares those things with you too - right? There's no reason to expect that he will suddenly decide NOT to share his money with you too.

[Anonymous]

The trust money is not about gifts or romance or equality. It's business. This is how parents make sure that the money goes to the people they intend.

[Anonymous]

Have you talked with your DH about this? What does he say?

[Anonymous]

It seems to have escaped nearly this entire thread that this is money that belongs to OP's in-laws. She doesn't get to negotiate their gift terms, for crying out loud. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

This is the OP. Thank you to everyone for some very good advice, and especially to those who have BTDT.

14:59: My subject is probably inappropriately worded, but I certainly do not want to negotiate my in-laws' gift terms, so relax. This is way less about money than it is about my marriage. It is normal to go through a lot of different feelings while in the beginning stages of processing something major like this.

[Anonymous]

That's an astute observation, OP. This is huge for both of you, and yes it does change the dynamic. I'd keep mum about how you plan to use the funds and wait and see if he comes around.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread b/c I may will likely inherit 2ish million (hopefully not for a LONG time!) and I have been told I am the heir . . . and if I die, my child is the next in line. NOT my husband. I suppose we'll cross this bridge when we come to it - and again, I hope not for a VERY LONG TIME!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread b/c I may will likely inherit 2ish million (hopefully not for a LONG time!) and I have been told I am the heir . . . and if I die, my child is the next in line. NOT my husband. I suppose we'll cross this bridge when we come to it - and again, I hope not for a VERY LONG TIME!

My parents have set up their will so that I get 50% and my kids each get 25%. Also in the $2 million range. My DH is not named, although if I were to die after I received the money he would get it since it would be a joint asset at that point. I haven't thought too much about it but assumed it would just become part of our joint money. Interesting that others have segregated inheritance. When his parents died his share of the estate (which was only $100k so not a big deal) just went into joint savings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thank you to everyone for some very good advice, and especially to those who have BTDT.

14:59: My subject is probably inappropriately worded, but I certainly do not want to negotiate my in-laws' gift terms, so relax. This is way less about money than it is about my marriage. It is normal to go through a lot of different feelings while in the beginning stages of processing something major like this.

Why is your marriage a concern? Why is this "something major"? All that sees to have happened is that your inlaws gave you guys some extra money that might enhance and enrich your life - not change it. That's all it is. If you put that much importance on money - the problem lies with you.

[Anonymous]

Interesting thread.

My father in law used to give my husband and I the max gift limit each year ($12 or 13k, I think it's 14k now). He started doing this even before we were married. I found it weird to get such a large check from him in my name, it made me slightly uncomfortable so I initially considered it to be my husband's money (then boyfriend). But as we've been together longer and it's clear that all our assets are OURS, I feel less so. Who the check was written out to was irrelevant, it was just his father transferring it to our family.

Sadly he died last year. Now, there is the issue of the inheritance, which is signficant. Although we have separate accounts we are each listed as co-owners on everything in case something should happen to one of us.

Although I was roundly slammed when I posted about this before, even though we consider the money to be "ours", I defer to him on all decisions related to the money despite the fact that I am normally the one who handles the money in our relationship. (On the whole though it will be untouched for the timebeing). While on the one hand we consider it to be "ours", on the other he definitely gets the last word, in my mind. He likely sees this differently and considers that as this is ours my view is equally important, but I take a back seat here while sharing views when necessary (we are on the same page so far).

As we've navigated our way through this, I have had some similar feelings as the OP. Not so much about whose name things are in, but just the enormity of suddenly having several hundred thousand dollars that we didn't previously have that's ours. It's a big issue to get your head around. In your case, OP, there are presumably no emotional ties as it is not the result of death, but for us there is still extreme sadness in understanding that while this is great fortune for us having had our father/father-in-law/grandpa around for much longer would have meant so much more to us.

[Anonymous]

When my in-laws set up a family trust, each kid got three shares. When the kid married, one of the shares went to the spouse. When the kid had children of their own, one of the two remaining shares went to be split among the children.

I suppose in theory that feels more equal than what OP describes, but I have to tell you I have always viewed the trust as my husband's money that he should have a huge say in.

The same thing is true whenever his grandfather sent us checks over the years (nothing major - 5 or 10K here or there a few times). I proposed some ideas, but it was really up to him. Same thing when his parents send us checks every once in awhile (also nothing major). I defer to him regardless of whether one or both names are on the check.

This had nothing to do with being 'the little wife" and everything to do with knowing it was his family business. There have been problems in the past with one of DH's aunts (by marriage, not a blood relative) creating a big mess with a family trust, so I stay very clear of any involvement or any suggestion I am entitled to anything, even if I in fact have a share (which I do). The whole "it's about blood" thing has been made abundantly clear, and his grandfather has never, for example, asked a non-blood relative to join his foundation board even though some of us have better skill sets for that than the blood relatives. Objectively, it might be a mistake, but at the end of the day it's a family foundation, so the family should run it.

I would not press the point, OP. All you are likely to do is create an issue where there doesn't need to be one. Your DH is probably still getting used to the idea of being married and meshing everything. This isn't the time to take a stand. He'll come around at some point. Don't turn into Aunt Susan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thank you to everyone for some very good advice, and especially to those who have BTDT.

14:59: My subject is probably inappropriately worded, but I certainly do not want to negotiate my in-laws' gift terms, so relax. This is way less about money than it is about my marriage. It is normal to go through a lot of different feelings while in the beginning stages of processing something major like this.

Why is your marriage a concern? Why is this "something major"? All that sees to have happened is that your inlaws gave you guys some extra money that might enhance and enrich your life - not change it. That's all it is. If you put that much importance on money - the problem lies with you.

I agree with this point: Why is this "something major?" You don't need the money to live. you know from your DH whether he is the frugal type or is he going to go out and buy a Ferrari. My DH has about $500k (not $2m of course) that he brought into the marriage that he keeps in a separate stock account (but I see the statements). He doesn't talk about it, it doesn't change how much we save for retirement, college, etc. So I don't see how this is a big life event at all. It is only if you make it one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thank you to everyone for some very good advice, and especially to those who have BTDT.

14:59: My subject is probably inappropriately worded, but I certainly do not want to negotiate my in-laws' gift terms, so relax. This is way less about money than it is about my marriage. It is normal to go through a lot of different feelings while in the beginning stages of processing something major like this.

Why is your marriage a concern? Why is this "something major"? All that sees to have happened is that your inlaws gave you guys some extra money that might enhance and enrich your life - not change it. That's all it is. If you put that much importance on money - the problem lies with you.

I agree with this point: Why is this "something major?" You don't need the money to live. you know from your DH whether he is the frugal type or is he going to go out and buy a Ferrari. My DH has about $500k (not $2m of course) that he brought into the marriage that he keeps in a separate stock account (but I see the statements). He doesn't talk about it, it doesn't change how much we save for retirement, college, etc. So I don't see how this is a big life event at all. It is only if you make it one.

OP here. No offense meant, but if you've never experienced this, then you have no way of knowing. If anyone had given me this hypothetical scenario and asked me to predict my reaction, I never would have guessed that this would be it. DH also has about $500k in a separate stock account from before we were married and I have never given it a second though.