s/o: trusts & large sums of money gifted to both spouses, or just one?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I posted on the other thread about best use of trust fund money. DH & I were married last year. In December, DH's mom told me they still had a wedding present for us but it was taking awhile to pull together. When DH & I visited MIL over the holidays, she told him (when I was not present), that they had made arrangements for a $2 million trust. I am not sure if this is supposed to be our wedding gift or not, but the paper work for it came last week and it is in his name only. I assume it is not our wedding gift, but am not sure and don't think there is a good way to find out. Thus, I feel like DH gets final say on whether we use some of the money for a down payment on a house or not.

In addition, his father gave us about $15k toward a down payment on a house, presented to both of us, but again written out to only DH.

I have wonderful relationships with all of my in-laws, and obviously will not go looking a gift horse in the mouth. I'm feeling a little weird about this being DH's money and not mine, though. He seems to not want to touch any of it. I disagree, and if it were up to me we would use a chunk of it for a down payment on a home, then not touch any of the rest. For now I have not pushed the issue at all, just giving both of us time to digest it, so we have only briefly talked about it. The feeling is difficult to explain -- almost like a sudden power imbalance? (FWIW, my DH is a wonderful man and would involve me in any decisions, but that feeling of him getting the final say is still there).

I'm not sure what I'm looking for here, maybe just a place to vent since I would never mention this to my friends or family.

Is it normal for gifts that are intended to be for both spouses to only be written out to one spouse?

No, it is not normal for a gift to both spouses to be only written out to one. In your case, from the way the two gifts were presented, it would appear that the $15K down payment was your wedding gift so it would be entirely appropriate for your DH to put it in a joint account until you buy a house together. However, the $2 million is meant to be in your husband's control. However nice that your in- laws are, they are intentionally excluding you from this trust fund. It does set up an inequality in your relationship but your husband can use it to spend on family expenses so that your other funds can go towards retirement and personal expenses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread b/c I may will likely inherit 2ish million (hopefully not for a LONG time!) and I have been told I am the heir . . . and if I die, my child is the next in line. NOT my husband. I suppose we'll cross this bridge when we come to it - and again, I hope not for a VERY LONG TIME!

This is how my MIL has her will set up. I'm very close with her (she even had me look at the will before she signed bc I'm a lawyer). I would never expect any money or property to come to me. She has a ton of jewelry and again, I expect it all to go to sil and that's fine. I hope she would set aside a few pieces for my dd but that's not my call and I certainly don't worry about it. It's not my family's money so I have no say.

[Anonymous]

It is totally normal for inheritances and trust funds to follow the "issue" of the giver ie the blood family member and their decendents. Trusts may be setup to allow spouses to have the benefit of income and principal for things like medical support if the trust owner dies before the spouse.

This said you are married and while you are married how you use this money should be a joint decision. If it becomes a my money situation that is an issue with the DH not the ILs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread b/c I may will likely inherit 2ish million (hopefully not for a LONG time!) and I have been told I am the heir . . . and if I die, my child is the next in line. NOT my husband. I suppose we'll cross this bridge when we come to it - and again, I hope not for a VERY LONG TIME!

This is how my MIL has her will set up. I'm very close with her (she even had me look at the will before she signed bc I'm a lawyer). I would never expect any money or property to come to me. She has a ton of jewelry and again, I expect it all to go to sil and that's fine. I hope she would set aside a few pieces for my dd but that's not my call and I certainly don't worry about it. It's not my family's money so I have no say.

As the mother of two boys, I've wondered about this myself (even though my death is, I hope, far off in the future :wink. I have some pieces of nice/expensive jewelry and it is hard to imagine that I would will them to a DIL unless we have a great/close relationship (such that even if there were a divorce I'd be comfortable with the jewelry following DIL out of the family). My mom died a couple of years ago and left her jewelry to her three daughters and some things to granddaughters - but she also left one piece to my SIL, to whom she was not particularly close (and my brother, SIL's DH, was awful to my mom in her last years). My two sisters and I were irritated by this.

Moms of only boys - have you given any thought to this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread b/c I may will likely inherit 2ish million (hopefully not for a LONG time!) and I have been told I am the heir . . . and if I die, my child is the next in line. NOT my husband. I suppose we'll cross this bridge when we come to it - and again, I hope not for a VERY LONG TIME!

This is how my MIL has her will set up. I'm very close with her (she even had me look at the will before she signed bc I'm a lawyer). I would never expect any money or property to come to me. She has a ton of jewelry and again, I expect it all to go to sil and that's fine. I hope she would set aside a few pieces for my dd but that's not my call and I certainly don't worry about it. It's not my family's money so I have no say.

As the mother of two boys, I've wondered about this myself (even though my death is, I hope, far off in the future :wink. I have some pieces of nice/expensive jewelry and it is hard to imagine that I would will them to a DIL unless we have a great/close relationship (such that even if there were a divorce I'd be comfortable with the jewelry following DIL out of the family). My mom died a couple of years ago and left her jewelry to her three daughters and some things to granddaughters - but she also left one piece to my SIL, to whom she was not particularly close (and my brother, SIL's DH, was awful to my mom in her last years). My two sisters and I were irritated by this.

Moms of only boys - have you given any thought to this?

I only have boys and will probably take the same approach as my father in law. He had two boys and one girl. He distributed all the jewelry he owned (he had inherited some from his mother and had bought some valuable pieces as investments -- all women's jewelry) to his daughter and two daughters-in-law leaving it up to us to decide who got what. My husband likes to claim that he was the one who gave me the beautiful (and valuable) ring that his father passed to me but I think it was very sweet that his father gave it directly to me. I would leave my jewelry to my boys in my will but if I decided to distribute it before death, I'd likely give it to their wives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is the OP. Thank you to everyone for some very good advice, and especially to those who have BTDT.

14:59: My subject is probably inappropriately worded, but I certainly do not want to negotiate my in-laws' gift terms, so relax. This is way less about money than it is about my marriage. It is normal to go through a lot of different feelings while in the beginning stages of processing something major like this.

Why is your marriage a concern? Why is this "something major"? All that sees to have happened is that your inlaws gave you guys some extra money that might enhance and enrich your life - not change it. That's all it is. If you put that much importance on money - the problem lies with you.

I agree with this point: Why is this "something major?" You don't need the money to live. you know from your DH whether he is the frugal type or is he going to go out and buy a Ferrari. My DH has about $500k (not $2m of course) that he brought into the marriage that he keeps in a separate stock account (but I see the statements). He doesn't talk about it, it doesn't change how much we save for retirement, college, etc. So I don't see how this is a big life event at all. It is only if you make it one.

OP here. No offense meant, but if you've never experienced this, then you have no way of knowing. If anyone had given me this hypothetical scenario and asked me to predict my reaction, I never would have guessed that this would be it. DH also has about $500k in a separate stock account from before we were married and I have never given it a second though.

I'm 23:00 - I absolutely know about this experience.

I've received inheritance.
I've set up trusts for my children similar to your husbands - except larger.
I buy and sell businesses...so the same issue applies to businesses, the money they make, AND THE WAY THEY RUN
I help people to set up their estates.

Somehow you need to remove your personal pride from the equation. It is clear that you feel insulted or marginalized...but not happy. Frankly I can't understand how someone could see this as being anything but "good". The money can provide family security for you. BUT your ego is getting in the way of seeing that. You seem to want a gift, but only if it's gifted under your terms and conditions.

The alternative is that the gift can be withdrawn.

Is that really a better scenario for you?


Good luck my dear - I hope you make a good decision. It's a very good thing that's happened for your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think a gift of the magnitude of $2m and $15k, it does make sense for it to be made out to DH only. But query whether this is a way for the in laws to have too much influence in your day to day life.

They are not like that at all. They are the most kind, respectful-of-boundaries people -- all four of them (each of his parents is remarried).

So they know perfectly well where they would like the money to stay -- with him. This could become a big issue in your marriage.

[Anonymous]

BTDT. My DH inherited 1.5 million. We have been married for 25 years. As far as he is concerned (and under State law) it is his. He is generous about household expenses, but he makes it plain it is his money. It is not a good feeling. He is not always the most prudent person when it comes to money/investing, so there is considerable uncertainty. I am not making any of the decisions. He will hear me out, then ummm, hmmm, and do what he wants.

This is a gift that will bring a great deal of uncertainty into your marriage. You are emphatically NOT joint partners, and being still on the younger side, may think your in-laws are "nicer" than they are. Actions speak louder than words. We also received wedding gifts of cash, large sums --- in both our names. Those were the relatives who really wanted us to stay together. A good talk now with you DH is in order. I think those jealous posters who say, well, why look a gift horse in the mouth have never, and will never be in this position. Yes, it is a problem of the wealthy -- but wealthy people have problems, too. Best of luck with this.

[Anonymous]

PP^ And do not call me Mrs. Millionaire. It is Mr. Millionare and his wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:BTDT. My DH inherited 1.5 million. We have been married for 25 years. As far as he is concerned (and under State law) it is his. He is generous about household expenses, but he makes it plain it is his money. It is not a good feeling. He is not always the most prudent person when it comes to money/investing, so there is considerable uncertainty. I am not making any of the decisions. He will hear me out, then ummm, hmmm, and do what he wants.

This is a gift that will bring a great deal of uncertainty into your marriage. You are emphatically NOT joint partners, and being still on the younger side, may think your in-laws are "nicer" than they are. Actions speak louder than words. We also received wedding gifts of cash, large sums --- in both our names. Those were the relatives who really wanted us to stay together. A good talk now with you DH is in order. I think those jealous posters who say, well, why look a gift horse in the mouth have never, and will never be in this position. Yes, it is a problem of the wealthy -- but wealthy people have problems, too. Best of luck with this.

PP, I'm sorry to hear this. But again, OP you know your husband. My husband would not act like this (and he has tons of "his own money" that he had before marriage). He is frugal and practical and not going to run out and buy a crazy watch/car/toy/ etc. Now, could this money change him? I suppose it could but better to know that now rather than down the road when you have kids.

[Anonymous]

My BFF recently inherited several million from her mother. Up to that point, she and her husband had been roughly equal contributors to their household. The inheritance has been both a source of happiness and anxiety for my friend. Happiness due to the ability to travel and a large emergency fund. However, it has brought anxiety since my friend is frugal and has been telling her husband they couldn't afford a house, which is his dream. She'd rather live in their condo. Well, now they could buy one outright but she keeps putting him off by renovating the condo and buying him new electronics. He is more of a spender than she so thia is going to be a source of contention between them going forward. More money provides more choices and more opportunities for conflict over those decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Interesting thread b/c I may will likely inherit 2ish million (hopefully not for a LONG time!) and I have been told I am the heir . . . and if I die, my child is the next in line. NOT my husband. I suppose we'll cross this bridge when we come to it - and again, I hope not for a VERY LONG TIME!

This is how my MIL has her will set up. I'm very close with her (she even had me look at the will before she signed bc I'm a lawyer). I would never expect any money or property to come to me. She has a ton of jewelry and again, I expect it all to go to sil and that's fine. I hope she would set aside a few pieces for my dd but that's not my call and I certainly don't worry about it. It's not my family's money so I have no say.

As the mother of two boys, I've wondered about this myself (even though my death is, I hope, far off in the future :wink. I have some pieces of nice/expensive jewelry and it is hard to imagine that I would will them to a DIL unless we have a great/close relationship (such that even if there were a divorce I'd be comfortable with the jewelry following DIL out of the family). My mom died a couple of years ago and left her jewelry to her three daughters and some things to granddaughters - but she also left one piece to my SIL, to whom she was not particularly close (and my brother, SIL's DH, was awful to my mom in her last years). My two sisters and I were irritated by this.

Moms of only boys - have you given any thought to this?

Yes, because my DH's grandmother died recently and, to my surprise, she had chosen a piece of jewelry for me. She was a much-loved and respected matriarch of the family. My MIL and SIL got the majority of the jewelry understandably but she had also picked out a piece for every female grandchild and grandchild's spouse as well as her daughter-in-law. We were all very touched and I will always treasure the piece. She wasn't particularly close to any of the ILs but she cared about all of us. What a lovely way to be remembered!

[Anonymous]

I will be leaving my small jewelry collection to my sisters, my SIL, and any other female friend or relative that I care about AND I think would wear it. My son is gay so there won't be a DIL to give it to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My BFF recently inherited several million from her mother. Up to that point, she and her husband had been roughly equal contributors to their household. The inheritance has been both a source of happiness and anxiety for my friend. Happiness due to the ability to travel and a large emergency fund. However, it has brought anxiety since my friend is frugal and has been telling her husband they couldn't afford a house, which is his dream. She'd rather live in their condo. Well, now they could buy one outright but she keeps putting him off by renovating the condo and buying him new electronics. He is more of a spender than she so thia is going to be a source of contention between them going forward. More money provides more choices and more opportunities for conflict over those decisions.

Wow, that's not a good situation at all. Why does he get a say in this and why is she buying him electronics to appease him?? Ugh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My BFF recently inherited several million from her mother. Up to that point, she and her husband had been roughly equal contributors to their household. The inheritance has been both a source of happiness and anxiety for my friend. Happiness due to the ability to travel and a large emergency fund. However, it has brought anxiety since my friend is frugal and has been telling her husband they couldn't afford a house, which is his dream. She'd rather live in their condo. Well, now they could buy one outright but she keeps putting him off by renovating the condo and buying him new electronics. He is more of a spender than she so thia is going to be a source of contention between them going forward. More money provides more choices and more opportunities for conflict over those decisions.

Wow, that's not a good situation at all. Why does he get a say in this and why is she buying him electronics to appease him?? Ugh.

They could have afforded a house before the inheritance but she put him off previously by saying that they need to save money for retirement, the housing market was unstable, one of them might be downsized, etc. There really is no more reason to put it off other than the fact that she doesn't want to so she is trying to keep him satisfied by buying him a new iphone, flat screen, blue ray, etc. I can see both sides and neither is wrong.