How to deal with paranoid/overly sensitive "friends"

[Anonymous]

Hey OP, I think I kind of get where your coming from based on some of my own experiences. (I'm an introvert, and I think that's a very valid point in this whole discussion, by the way. Thanks PP for mentioning that.)

in situations involving neighbors (that I genuinely like!), i finally realized I needed to be better about setting up boundries. This is not about the young kids; it's about their parents. If I'm reading you right, you hold no anger towards little Susie. It's just sheer frustration with susie's mom, who you've said is a nice person. My neighbors are plenty nice, too, but it doesn't mean I have to be in an environment where I feel like the "bad" neighbor for not wanting as much interaction or not at particular times. I've learned that people have different boundries. Similar to you, I take it with a grain of salt if I run into someone who seems hurried/distracted. I think I usually pick up on it right away and wouldn't initiate anything anyway! But not everyone does. And while your neighbor seemed to get that you were hurried in this situation, clearly she didn't let it roll off her back. Based on her personality, she might figure that neighbors should always be ok with someone stoping by to say hello. She might be thinking, "sheesh....can't she spare a few minutes for a quick hello to me and my kids???" Well, I always try to be polite, but there also comes a time when you can't always react how others want you to react. I think her comments about 1) not being welcome and 2) you being so busy indicate that she's realizing a few things. I might approach her when you feel the time is right and communicate a few things (assuming this is all accurate):
she's a great neighbor
she seemed little upset based on that situation
it was certainly not your intent to hurt their feelings (I don't consider this coddling)
in the future, if you seem hurried...you hope she will understand that's all it is

Susie getting out the toys is really a separte issue, which I'd ignore. But I hear you on that, too! I have neighbor with 2 kids that are a dream!! I'd have them over in a heartbeat because they all have a sense of boundries! I have two other neighbors that basically let their kids run the show....and it can be a real pain to have informal get togethers.

Good luck. It's tough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hey OP, I think I kind of get where your coming from based on some of my own experiences. (I'm an introvert, and I think that's a very valid point in this whole discussion, by the way. Thanks PP for mentioning that.)

in situations involving neighbors (that I genuinely like!), i finally realized I needed to be better about setting up boundries. This is not about the young kids; it's about their parents. If I'm reading you right, you hold no anger towards little Susie. It's just sheer frustration with susie's mom, who you've said is a nice person. My neighbors are plenty nice, too, but it doesn't mean I have to be in an environment where I feel like the "bad" neighbor for not wanting as much interaction or not at particular times. I've learned that people have different boundries. Similar to you, I take it with a grain of salt if I run into someone who seems hurried/distracted. I think I usually pick up on it right away and wouldn't initiate anything anyway! But not everyone does. And while your neighbor seemed to get that you were hurried in this situation, clearly she didn't let it roll off her back. Based on her personality, she might figure that neighbors should always be ok with someone stoping by to say hello. She might be thinking, "sheesh....can't she spare a few minutes for a quick hello to me and my kids???" Well, I always try to be polite, but there also comes a time when you can't always react how others want you to react. I think her comments about 1) not being welcome and 2) you being so busy indicate that she's realizing a few things. I might approach her when you feel the time is right and communicate a few things (assuming this is all accurate):
she's a great neighbor
she seemed little upset based on that situation
it was certainly not your intent to hurt their feelings (I don't consider this coddling)
in the future, if you seem hurried...you hope she will understand that's all it is

Susie getting out the toys is really a separte issue, which I'd ignore. But I hear you on that, too! I have neighbor with 2 kids that are a dream!! I'd have them over in a heartbeat because they all have a sense of boundries! I have two other neighbors that basically let their kids run the show....and it can be a real pain to have informal get togethers.

Good luck. It's tough.

OP here. Thanks, and this is definitely how I feel. I am definitely an introvert, although only my closest friends and family realize this because I am (usually) very social when I need/want to be. I was not mad or annoyed at her at all until she made the first comment.

And I agree that "Susie" taking all the toys out of my garage is a separate issue, especially since it happens all the time. "Susie" has some anger/aggression issues beyond the scope of "normal" for a preschooler, and I think her mom is sensitive/embarrassed by this which might explain what seemed like her overreaction, at least to me.

And to all the posters who suggested that I move out to the country and live on 10 acres, I'd love to! Anyone have any suggestions how I can do this with a $500K budget and still keep my husband's commute to 20 minutes? If so, SIGN ME UP!

[Anonymous]

I don't blame the OP at all for her feelings. Sometimes some people recognize boundaries and some people don't.

I am also very aware of the fact that I'm an introvert. I can't speak for the OP, but I just feel very out of place with most people and I suck at socializing. I'm not great at small talk and it shows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The PP are both wrong.

OP is right. 3 yr old just stopping by to play - no that's not ok.

The neighbor was annoyed bc she is stuck at home with a 1 and 3 yr old and was bored and wanted adult interaction. She was annoyed more with herself for being stuck in her situation than she was with OP. She blamed OP bc OP did not rescue her bordemon, etc.

The neighbor will get over it in a day or two bc she has no choice really - if she alienates OP who will she hang out with when she is stuck at home especially as the weather gets colder and options to take the kids out become more limited.

Agree with this. It was fine for the 3 yo to wander over. But, this description of the neighbor (the adult) seems on point. If you're busy, she should understand and exit quickly and gracefully. The editorializing and anger are unwarranted.

[Anonymous]

OK, so OP claims to be an introvert. Fine. A very, very important skill to learn as an introvert is how to create space for yourself without creating hurt feelings in those around you. Your post reads like you are exasperated that no one understands your need for space and that everyone except you has no internal life of their own.

Sure doesn't sound it from the original description or the subject heading. Narcissist comes to mind...

[Anonymous]

I live in the country. I have a child. His friends from down the street knock on my door every hour when he is not here and sometimes I am trying to take a nap. Call me a Narcissist but sometimes it is annoying. I treat these kids good and they are always at my house but sometimes I want to get through one day without kids knocking on my door all day long. Kids are very self absorbed as I do all the giving. I have a tough work schedule. I tell my son not to bother people and he does not unless invited. Not asking anyone to give me approval for my feelings. I do kids every single day and it's hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are several people in my life who are extremely paranoid/sensitive about the state of our "friendship" and I just find myself so exasperated and uninterested in coddling them. All of the situations manifest themselves a little differently, but the main issue is people being mad at me for not spending enough time with them or being interested enough in their lives, despite the fact that they are busy too and don't initiate much either. I used to just think it was my single or no kids friends, and just figured they didn't understand how busy and exhausting it is to have a kid. Today though, it was my next door neighbor (we are in townhouses). I get home from errands/lunch with my 2 year old RIGHT at nap time. I pull into the garage, get out of the car and walk around the back of the car only to find my neighbor's 3 year old standing in my garage. Neighbor yells from her driveway, "Hi, Susie's over there!" I say "hi, how are you?" to Susie and my neighbor and proceed to take my tired/cranky 2 year old out of the car. By this point my neighbor and her 1 year old have walked over to my driveway. I guess I looked annoyed or something (even though at the time I wasn't, just distracted and thinking about 1000 things) because my neighbor says, "Girls, let's go home, unless its okay for them to say Hi - we didn't get a very warm welcome!" WTH?? I was speechless for a few seconds and then muttered something about being sorry and just being distracted. They stayed a few more minutes, we made small talk and then my neighbor said she had to get her kids home for lunch. Her 3 year old starts to have a tantrum because she is in the process of dragging out all of my daughter's outdoor toys, and my friend carries her home saying very loudly, "Sorry, Susie, you can't play with your friend right now. Maybe later, but I don't know because they are VERY BUSY!" (There was definite anger and annoyance in her voice.)

I go inside with my daughter and literally just stand in my house dumbfounded, processing what just happened. YOU and YOUR KID accost me in my own garage (not driveway, GARAGE) at naptime, with a clearly tired/cranky kid and have the nerve to be pissed at me because the welcome I gave you wasn't sufficiently warm!?!?

We genuinely like these neighbors and they are good neighbors. We get each other's mail on vacations, hang out outside together especially in the summers, and have had dinners together a handful of times. I would not consider them close friends, but have nothing against them. We just have different schedules (our kids are in preschool on totally opposite mornings, her husband goes to work early and comes home early, mine goes in later and comes home later) and generally have very little overlapping "free time" except in the summers when its light/warm outside so long. I don't feel like I've ever been rude to them, but I admit that I don't act like we are BFF's because we're NOT.

Thoughts? Criticisms? Ideas?

I'm surprised that no one's caught on that it's not just the neighbor; it's her other friends. The OP sounds like the type of person who became a mother and then her social life basically ended. I have plenty of friends with more than one or two children who MAKE time for their friends. Sometimes, when more than one person is making the same comment, you need to step back and assess whether the problem is actually with them or with you.