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How to deal with paranoid/overly sensitive "friends"
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Anonymous
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There are several people in my life who are extremely paranoid/sensitive about the state of our "friendship" and I just find myself so exasperated and uninterested in coddling them. All of the situations manifest themselves a little differently, but the main issue is people being mad at me for not spending enough time with them or being interested enough in their lives, despite the fact that they are busy too and don't initiate much either. I used to just think it was my single or no kids friends, and just figured they didn't understand how busy and exhausting it is to have a kid. Today though, it was my next door neighbor (we are in townhouses). I get home from errands/lunch with my 2 year old RIGHT at nap time. I pull into the garage, get out of the car and walk around the back of the car only to find my neighbor's 3 year old standing in my garage. Neighbor yells from her driveway, "Hi, Susie's over there!" I say "hi, how are you?" to Susie and my neighbor and proceed to take my tired/cranky 2 year old out of the car. By this point my neighbor and her 1 year old have walked over to my driveway. I guess I looked annoyed or something (even though at the time I wasn't, just distracted and thinking about 1000 things) because my neighbor says, "Girls, let's go home, unless its okay for them to say Hi - we didn't get a very warm welcome!" WTH?? I was speechless for a few seconds and then muttered something about being sorry and just being distracted. They stayed a few more minutes, we made small talk and then my neighbor said she had to get her kids home for lunch. Her 3 year old starts to have a tantrum because she is in the process of dragging out all of my daughter's outdoor toys, and my friend carries her home saying very loudly, "Sorry, Susie, you can't play with your friend right now. Maybe later, but I don't know because they are VERY BUSY!" (There was definite anger and annoyance in her voice.)
I go inside with my daughter and literally just stand in my house dumbfounded, processing what just happened. YOU and YOUR KID accost me in my own garage (not driveway, GARAGE) at naptime, with a clearly tired/cranky kid and have the nerve to be pissed at me because the welcome I gave you wasn't sufficiently warm!?!? We genuinely like these neighbors and they are good neighbors. We get each other's mail on vacations, hang out outside together especially in the summers, and have had dinners together a handful of times. I would not consider them close friends, but have nothing against them. We just have different schedules (our kids are in preschool on totally opposite mornings, her husband goes to work early and comes home early, mine goes in later and comes home later) and generally have very little overlapping "free time" except in the summers when its light/warm outside so long. I don't feel like I've ever been rude to them, but I admit that I don't act like we are BFF's because we're NOT. Thoughts? Criticisms? Ideas? |
Anonymous
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Well, you've provided one example for me to comment on. A three year old neighbor has the audacity to wander into your garage and greet you and your small children. Oh my god, she's such a bey-otch! How dare this little girl presume on your friendship. And you say you give her an annoyed look (or something) for daring to take up your precious time and distract your little darling from his nap. And her mother picks up on the fact that your a bit of a princess and whisks her and her sister away, saying, there's no warm welcome here. Yeah, if I were your neighbor, I'd think you were a princess too.
Have you considered if you don't have time to socialize that it's YOU who is paranoid and ultrasensitive? There's such a thing as saying "Hi, (neighbor), Hi Susie! Henry's sooooo tired...I'm just going to whisk him up to his bed....See you later!" Did you consider that other people have feelings too?" |
Anonymous
| Agree w/ 05:43. Since you live in a situation with a lot of houses close together, you will most likely see a neighbor or two when coming and going. Try prepping yourself mentally for this. For example, when you are coming home,about 5 minutes before you pull in, imagine being greeted by your neighbor and be ready for that. You had a lot on your mind, and maybe you're somewhat inflexible, and in the case you described above, you just weren't capable of switching gears. Neighbors should be someone you can cultivate a positive relationship with--you may need each other in an emergency. |
Anonymous
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The PP are both wrong.
OP is right. 3 yr old just stopping by to play - no that's not ok. The neighbor was annoyed bc she is stuck at home with a 1 and 3 yr old and was bored and wanted adult interaction. She was annoyed more with herself for being stuck in her situation than she was with OP. She blamed OP bc OP did not rescue her bordemon, etc. The neighbor will get over it in a day or two bc she has no choice really - if she alienates OP who will she hang out with when she is stuck at home especially as the weather gets colder and options to take the kids out become more limited. |
Anonymous
| Maybe you don't deserve her friendship. |
Anonymous
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"Oh, [three year old], it's the baby's naptime. Can you come back when [cranky baby] wakes up? You guys could share snack then, if it's okay with your mommy."
Offering a clear reason why you're not available, along with an alternative meeting time = no tension for either party. Your reasoning is clear and obvious to *you*. Other folks are just hearing "no, no, no." And, it's hurting their feelings. You must recognize that you may be sending out a message with this undifferentiated "no" that you do not intend. Kudos to your buddies for trying to maintain contact as they do---even in the face of your repeated and emphatic "I'm busy". Try being up-front so as to spare yourself the aggravation and to avoid alienating the well-meaning people around you. |
Anonymous
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OP - I would be annoyed too and this does happen to me.
In your situation I would be more annoyed that the mom did not see your situation and let her daughter pull toys out without asking and blamed you to her daughter instead of trying to teach her good manners. I have a phone in my garage and 2 toddlers. Our neighbor does not have kids so she does not understand our situation. Often when I pull in the garage, the kids are sleeping and I can hear the phone ringing. 9 out 10 times it is her!!!!! I always answered the phone annoyed and she did not get the hint so now I never answer it. I do consider her a great neighbor and friend but she has no clue in this situation. I recently just told her that I rarely answer the phone and on the few that I have she can hear the kids screaming in the background. I do call her back when the kids are napping. For you, I would call her and just say sorry, you seemed upset but I was just trying to put my kid to sleep since she clearly did not get it. Ppl need things spelled out sometimes. I am sure since she is sensitive she will be happy to get that call. |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous
For you, I would call her and just say sorry, you seemed upset but I was just trying to put my kid to sleep since she clearly did not get it. Ppl need things spelled out sometimes. I am sure since she is sensitive she will be happy to get that call. Agree with PP on this. I've been in similar situations OP, and it drives me crazy. I've learned to just say something like, "Hey, DD is really tired right now... will you guys be around later? Maybe we can play then?" And as soon as you get an answer, roll inside. The overly sensitive people (like apparently a few on this board) make me crazy. Stop taking things personally. Everyone has their own life and needs to attend to. We don't need to worry about how you feel, and whether or not you are happy or hurt, all the time. And pushing us into that makes us avoid you. |
Anonymous
 Exactly.. I don't care if the kid lives next door. All interactions between children must occur in the context of a formally-scheduled playdate. Kids just wandering over to lay with each other? What is this world coming to?!
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Anonymous
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"to play with each other" not "lay with each other" - LOL!
I agree that laying with each other, at least in the Biblical sense, might be inappropriate! 
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Anonymous
Mmmmmm....I'm sure OP's kids have never wandered over to play with the neighbor's kids. Like hell. |
Anonymous
| OP, I'm not sure where you are coming up with the descriptives of "paranoid" and "overly sensitive." How does that relate to this exchange? How your neighbor behaved was, at worst, "irritated" by your manifest annoyance at her stopping by to say hello. I'm not even getting into the issue of whether you were justified in being annoyed, but your neighbors response was far from "paranoid" or "overly sensitive." |
Anonymous
| I think if you managed your friends with a bit more sensitivity you will find "dealing" with them a lot easier. A little bit of kindness goes a long way with relationships. |
Anonymous
| I agree that that the paranoia and sensitivity may be in your head as much as in the people around you. If many of your friends and neighbors complain that you aren't involved enough in your relationships, there's a chance that you're not. At the very least, you're not sending out the right vibes to make friends with the healthy people! |
Anonymous
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Did you even consider that she (the neighbor) was annoyed with the 3yo for pulling out all the toys after she told they were going home? Is it possible that you are taking something personally that was not at all directed at you?
You need to lighten up OP. I like the previous suggestion to make a light and breezy greeting along with an invitation to visit at a later and more convenient time. |