DD is excluding her friend

[Anonymous]

I would just talk to your daughter about the dynamics at play and she is going to need to figure out for herself how she wants to handle. You can give her ideas to consider such as inviting her to movies, walking with her to certain classes or something along those lines. The mean girls exist everywhere and at that age the strong personalities usually win the social exclusion game. Just keep being open and honest with your child and helping her learn what a good friend looks like. The examples they see in schools aren’t great. I feel for these kids, true friendship is hard to come by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just talk to your daughter about the dynamics at play and she is going to need to figure out for herself how she wants to handle. You can give her ideas to consider such as inviting her to movies, walking with her to certain classes or something along those lines. The mean girls exist everywhere and at that age the strong personalities usually win the social exclusion game. Just keep being open and honest with your child and helping her learn what a good friend looks like. The examples they see in schools aren’t great. I feel for these kids, true friendship is hard to come by.

Especially at a small, snobby, cliquey private school. This is the reason my kids will not be returning to their private next year. I am so tired of people recommending small private schools because they are "nurturing." IME unless you are a private school lifer, you will not have a great experience. Kids coming from a large public school where the friend groups are more fluid, and kids are more open to meeting new friends will have a hard time acclimating to a small private with clearly defined friend groups.

[Anonymous]

First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

+1

+2

+3

You are a good mom for caring about this. Many don’t!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

+1

+2

+3

You are a good mom for caring about this. Many don’t!

Worse many mothers encourage their daughters to exclude other kids so they can be top of the heap

[Anonymous]

The solution is that Larla needs to make new friends!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said yourself they're no longer friends and now acquaintances. You have to deal with acquaintances in all your classes. It's reasonable for kids to want a break from that and to sit with just friends at lunch.

If I were you, I'd ask my DD if she could find another way to reach out to the girl if she doesn't find her annoying and then drop it.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

+1

+2

+3

You are a good mom for caring about this. Many don’t!

Worse many mothers encourage their daughters to exclude other kids so they can be top of the heap

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would just talk to your daughter about the dynamics at play and she is going to need to figure out for herself how she wants to handle. You can give her ideas to consider such as inviting her to movies, walking with her to certain classes or something along those lines. The mean girls exist everywhere and at that age the strong personalities usually win the social exclusion game. Just keep being open and honest with your child and helping her learn what a good friend looks like. The examples they see in schools aren’t great. I feel for these kids, true friendship is hard to come by.

Agree with this. Also have her think about who are the kinds of people she wants to be friends with. I know there are so many dynamics at play, and it's hard, but hopefully as time goes on she can grow more confident. She sees a friend feeling lonely, she helps out that friend. She doesn't care what the ramifications may be cuz she knows she's doing the right thing. So easier said than done! I get it

I was a lot like your daughter when I was in high school. I was definitely a nice kid, but looking back, I wish I had been even nicer. I wish I had been braver and shown more kindness to people who needed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would just talk to your daughter about the dynamics at play and she is going to need to figure out for herself how she wants to handle. You can give her ideas to consider such as inviting her to movies, walking with her to certain classes or something along those lines. The mean girls exist everywhere and at that age the strong personalities usually win the social exclusion game. Just keep being open and honest with your child and helping her learn what a good friend looks like. The examples they see in schools aren’t great. I feel for these kids, true friendship is hard to come by.

Especially at a small, snobby, cliquey private school. This is the reason my kids will not be returning to their private next year. I am so tired of people recommending small private schools because they are "nurturing." IME unless you are a private school lifer, you will not have a great experience. Kids coming from a large public school where the friend groups are more fluid, and kids are more open to meeting new friends will have a hard time acclimating to a small private with clearly defined friend groups.

This is just not true. My DS transferred into a private for high school and the class was full of "lifers" who had been there since kindergarten. Yes, those kids were close as one would expect but my son's best friend is one of those "lifers" and in fact post college they are now roommates and self describe themselves as "brothers from another mother." Your experience does not reflect all private school experiences. I'm sorry your DC did not find their group, for whatever reason, and applaud you for seeing that and adjusting to your DC's needs. It is not necessary to paint all private school friendships with a broad, yet tired, brush. It's just not reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:First of all, you are good Mom. The fact that you raised a girl who is aware of the situation and wants advice on how to help her friend shows she has your conscience and big heart. I’m hoping she stays the course and doesn’t abandon her friend.

That said, this is a time when kids including your daughter are super vulnerable. Whoever the Queen Bee is at the table is calling the shots. I’d help your kid identify the social hierarchy and try to dissuade her from being a follower. Being a follower gets you nowhere. Next time the Queen Bee might pick a new target and they always pick on the weak. Don’t be the weak.

+1

+2

+3

You are a good mom for caring about this. Many don’t!

Worse many mothers encourage their daughters to exclude other kids so they can be top of the heap

Yep it often starts with the mother's and their social climbing. Just a fact.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb? She “asked” the group if she could invite someone to the table? It’s a public lunch room. Is there a Head of Table? A friend group boss? Anyone is free to sit at any table with an available seat- including your daughter going to sit next her friend at another table. If her new friends drop her because she sometimes doesn’t sit at their same lunch table- then it is clear they aren’t friends and are just looking for a sheep to follow them. Is that who your daughter wants to be?

+1
WTH? Why would she even ask? Why wouldn't she just walk over with Larla and sit down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, PP here and agree with some of the others. I wouldn't have even asked. I would have just called Larla over or say "hey guys, Larla's going to eat with us. I've known her forever."

You don’t think by “forcing” Larla on the group, DD would make them turn against her (Larla) even more? Not asking aggressively, I’m genuinely curious.

NP
That's true, Lara doesn't need dd to present her as a lamb to the slaughter but I doubt, if they are as decent as op says, they would attack her. It would likely be mild or just a little tense.

Your dd should continuously wave and greet her "Hi Larla" and show what a fun kid she can be through her actions. Some friends might decide to start including her too or be less averse to interaction.

I don't even think it would be tense. They would either like her or they won't but right now they don't really know her so this would be a good chance for them to get to know each other. One kid that DD found annoying became her good friend.