DD is excluding her friend

[Anonymous]

DD15 had a very close friend from elementary school. They went to different middle schools (public) and are now freshman at the same high school (private). They grew apart as they got older and now are more acquaintances than friends.

DD fits into most environments pretty effortlessly and, since the beginning of the year, has formed a tight-knit group of new school friends. DD’s old friend (let’s call her Larla), on the other hand, has apparently been having trouble finding her “people”, and usually sits alone at lunch.

DD decided to ask her friend group to invite Larla to sit with them during lunch and was told that Larla is “annoying” and that they don’t like her.

When DD told me this, I was very surprised because I know Larla well and she’s a great kid, and I’ve also met DD’s friends, who seemed polite and respectful.

DD is torn because she’s mad at her friends, but she also doesn’t want to say anything for fear of being excluded. I encouraged her to speak up for herself, but she seemed reluctant and now I’ve turned to DCUM for help.

Thanks.

[Anonymous]

Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

[Anonymous]

Maybe DD can sit with Larla once a week. Or she can reach out to Larla at other times. People can be nice AND find someone annoying. People can be a "great kid" AND be annoying.

[Anonymous]

This is dumb? She “asked” the group if she could invite someone to the table? It’s a public lunch room. Is there a Head of Table? A friend group boss? Anyone is free to sit at any table with an available seat- including your daughter going to sit next her friend at another table. If her new friends drop her because she sometimes doesn’t sit at their same lunch table- then it is clear they aren’t friends and are just looking for a sheep to follow them. Is that who your daughter wants to be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb? She “asked” the group if she could invite someone to the table? It’s a public lunch room. Is there a Head of Table? A friend group boss? Anyone is free to sit at any table with an available seat- including your daughter going to sit next her friend at another table. If her new friends drop her because she sometimes doesn’t sit at their same lunch table- then it is clear they aren’t friends and are just looking for a sheep to follow them. Is that who your daughter wants to be?

+1 NP. Your DD shouldn’t ask, just call the girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

I find you annoying and you’re not leaving DCUM. Get it now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

I find you annoying and you’re not leaving DCUM. Get it now?

DP, btw.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

I find you annoying and you’re not leaving DCUM. Get it now?

Are you 15:16 too? You seem really nice. Not sure that I believe everyone is clamoring to sit with you at lunch though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

This for sure. I get friends growing apart because someone has literally moved away, but just because of differing interests or schools. This is also why I stress to my kids that being cool or popular isn't a big deal

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

I find you annoying and you’re not leaving DCUM. Get it now?

Are you 15:16 too? You seem really nice. Not sure that I believe everyone is clamoring to sit with you at lunch though.

No, I’m not. I replied to myself saying “DP, btw.” And I am really nice to those who deserve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

This for sure. I get friends growing apart because someone has literally moved away, but just because of differing interests or schools. This is also why I stress to my kids that being cool or popular isn't a big deal

+2

[Anonymous]

I think most posters here are forgetting what it was like to be in high school and you 100% consult the group about bringing in someone new (usually if someone just joins it makes them look desperate and in turn, annoying to the teenage-not-fully-formed-frontal-lobe).

These kids are teens. If they fine Larla annoying DD has to respect that. Now, could she dig deeper and ask “why” or “what happened”? Sure. I would’ve done that. But if they have valid reasons then it is what it is.

And I say this as someone who had a Larla period myself as well as a DC who also had a Larla period. Friendships and friend groups change and evolve.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb? She “asked” the group if she could invite someone to the table? It’s a public lunch room. Is there a Head of Table? A friend group boss? Anyone is free to sit at any table with an available seat- including your daughter going to sit next her friend at another table. If her new friends drop her because she sometimes doesn’t sit at their same lunch table- then it is clear they aren’t friends and are just looking for a sheep to follow them. Is that who your daughter wants to be?

+1 NP. Your DD shouldn’t ask, just call the girl.

+2 My own 15yo DD is in this exact situation and any friend of hers- or anyone’s- is welcome at the table. DD certainly doesn’t ask permission. Sometimes the table ends up being a “placeholder” of sorts for the left out friend and she never ends up meshing with the other girls, so leaves naturally when she finds her own tribe. Which is fine. I’d say the DD of OP needs to work on confidence and/or expand her friend group if these girls are being so difficult