DD is excluding her friend

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

It's just as important that teens learn to coexist with people, even those that they find "annoying". Barring some sort of serious issue, the friends should be expected to sit with the girl at lunch for 25 min. This is not a big ask.

[Anonymous]

Yeah, PP here and agree with some of the others. I wouldn't have even asked. I would have just called Larla over or say "hey guys, Larla's going to eat with us. I've known her forever."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, PP here and agree with some of the others. I wouldn't have even asked. I would have just called Larla over or say "hey guys, Larla's going to eat with us. I've known her forever."

You don’t think by “forcing” Larla on the group, DD would make them turn against her (Larla) even more? Not asking aggressively, I’m genuinely curious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think most posters here are forgetting what it was like to be in high school and you 100% consult the group about bringing in someone new (usually if someone just joins it makes them look desperate and in turn, annoying to the teenage-not-fully-formed-frontal-lobe).

These kids are teens. If they fine Larla annoying DD has to respect that. Now, could she dig deeper and ask “why” or “what happened”? Sure. I would’ve done that. But if they have valid reasons then it is what it is.

And I say this as someone who had a Larla period myself as well as a DC who also had a Larla period. Friendships and friend groups change and evolve.

It depends if DD asked on Larla’s behalf or if she just had the idea herself. If Larla spoke to DD about joining the group, it’s pretty mean to make DD go back to Larla and say “no”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your DD cannot make other people be friends with Larla. If she is inclined, she can go eat with lunch with Larla on some (or all days). But why would you want to push Larla in a stuation where people find her annoying? We all have different experiences with people, just because you don't find her annoying doesn't mean DD's friends are wrong.

We're not talking "being friends" but sitting together at lunch. GMAFB. So now we're ok with kids being jerks to longtime friends just in order to fit in???

OP's daughter should go sit with Larla, yes. But you didn't respond to why would any expect Larla to sit with people who find her annoying? We are talking about teens, not 5 year olds.

It's just as important that teens learn to coexist with people, even those that they find "annoying". Barring some sort of serious issue, the friends should be expected to sit with the girl at lunch for 25 min. This is not a big ask.

That’s not the issue - the issue is why would Larla want to sit with people who call her annoying or people who are not welcoming to her.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like a nice welcoming school. Awful.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry for Larla, but you need to butt out and let your DD navigate her friends. Private schools can be a lot snobbier than publics, and your DD is getting a preview of things to come. Tight friend group today, bullies tomorrow. All I would do is advise my DD to be cautious around any friends who have suddenly revealed a nasty streak regarding Larla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb? She “asked” the group if she could invite someone to the table? It’s a public lunch room. Is there a Head of Table? A friend group boss? Anyone is free to sit at any table with an available seat- including your daughter going to sit next her friend at another table. If her new friends drop her because she sometimes doesn’t sit at their same lunch table- then it is clear they aren’t friends and are just looking for a sheep to follow them. Is that who your daughter wants to be?

Looks like your daughter founds the Mean Girls table of the lunchroom. Her move, I guess.

[Anonymous]

You said yourself they're no longer friends and now acquaintances. You have to deal with acquaintances in all your classes. It's reasonable for kids to want a break from that and to sit with just friends at lunch.

If I were you, I'd ask my DD if she could find another way to reach out to the girl if she doesn't find her annoying and then drop it.

[Anonymous]

I think your daughter should join Larla instead a day or two a week and invite one of the nicer table girls to join her, privately. I think this would go over a lot better. Additional kids may come sit down once she’s not sitting alone (maybe kids who don’t think she’s annoying) and create a new group for Larla to allow OP daughter to transition back (she may make new friends!)

Social dynamics in high school are weird, even in a big public. Forcing this girl onto a group uninvited will invite much worse behavior on her head and don’t do Larla any favors.

My 16 yo has two friends not in her friend group she eats with on Tuesdays. They have their own different friend groups so it’s not the same type of situation, but after a few months these two girls now integrate with her friends due to their connection to my daughter. This took TIME - wish it wasn’t like this but just how it is, it’s a song and dance sometimes

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is dumb? She “asked” the group if she could invite someone to the table? It’s a public lunch room. Is there a Head of Table? A friend group boss? Anyone is free to sit at any table with an available seat- including your daughter going to sit next her friend at another table. If her new friends drop her because she sometimes doesn’t sit at their same lunch table- then it is clear they aren’t friends and are just looking for a sheep to follow them. Is that who your daughter wants to be?

Looks like your daughter founds the Mean Girls table of the lunchroom. Her move, I guess.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter should join Larla instead a day or two a week and invite one of the nicer table girls to join her, privately. I think this would go over a lot better. Additional kids may come sit down once she’s not sitting alone (maybe kids who don’t think she’s annoying) and create a new group for Larla to allow OP daughter to transition back (she may make new friends!)

Social dynamics in high school are weird, even in a big public. Forcing this girl onto a group uninvited will invite much worse behavior on her head and don’t do Larla any favors.

My 16 yo has two friends not in her friend group she eats with on Tuesdays. They have their own different friend groups so it’s not the same type of situation, but after a few months these two girls now integrate with her friends due to their connection to my daughter. This took TIME - wish it wasn’t like this but just how it is, it’s a song and dance
sometimes

I like this idea. Have DD, Larla, and one of DD’s nicer friends who is more open to meeting new people sit together once or twice a week. I would also recommend having Larla and DD hang out on the weekend for one-on-one time.

This type of situation says more about DD’s friends than Larla. The annoying awkward kids usually have untreated anxiety, depression, or selective mutism. Encourage DD to keep her friendship with Larla.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, PP here and agree with some of the others. I wouldn't have even asked. I would have just called Larla over or say "hey guys, Larla's going to eat with us. I've known her forever."

You don’t think by “forcing” Larla on the group, DD would make them turn against her (Larla) even more? Not asking aggressively, I’m genuinely curious.

If they do then maybe they don’t have much in common and she can look around and see what other people are up to. She might find some really good people who wouldn’t think twice about someone new sitting at their table. It’s like a bad formula teen movie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah, PP here and agree with some of the others. I wouldn't have even asked. I would have just called Larla over or say "hey guys, Larla's going to eat with us. I've known her forever."

You don’t think by “forcing” Larla on the group, DD would make them turn against her (Larla) even more? Not asking aggressively, I’m genuinely curious.

NP
That's true, Lara doesn't need dd to present her as a lamb to the slaughter but I doubt, if they are as decent as op says, they would attack her. It would likely be mild or just a little tense.

Your dd should continuously wave and greet her "Hi Larla" and show what a fun kid she can be through her actions. Some friends might decide to start including her too or be less averse to interaction.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think your daughter should join Larla instead a day or two a week and invite one of the nicer table girls to join her, privately. I think this would go over a lot better. Additional kids may come sit down once she’s not sitting alone (maybe kids who don’t think she’s annoying) and create a new group for Larla to allow OP daughter to transition back (she may make new friends!)

Social dynamics in high school are weird, even in a big public. Forcing this girl onto a group uninvited will invite much worse behavior on her head and don’t do Larla any favors.

My 16 yo has two friends not in her friend group she eats with on Tuesdays. They have their own different friend groups so it’s not the same type of situation, but after a few months these two girls now integrate with her friends due to their connection to my daughter. This took TIME - wish it wasn’t like this but just how it is, it’s a song and dance
sometimes

I like this idea. Have DD, Larla, and one of DD’s nicer friends who is more open to meeting new people sit together once or twice a week. I would also recommend having Larla and DD hang out on the weekend for one-on-one time.

This type of situation says more about DD’s friends than Larla. The annoying awkward kids usually have untreated anxiety, depression, or selective mutism. Encourage DD to keep her friendship with Larla.

Or maybe the mean girls are projecting.