Teen DD rebelling against achievement culture

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn’t go to a prestigious college, that’s fine. But what are her future plans? She might need grades for those.

Read Self-Driven Child.

Just college not prestige

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We got our 9th grade kid an executive function coach to help his motivation. It was wonderful for us (as parents) because my son listened better to another adult not his parents. Plus, it allowed us to not fight about homework all the time. The coach was also able to talk realistically about what goals he had for college (as opposed to us, who clearly knew nothing).

Can you give us the name and contact information of this executive coach you used?

Thank you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Short answer -

She needs the best GPA she can get, and the best test scores (congrats on the high score!) to get merit aid, which in the long run might prove more useful than a top-ranked name on a diploma.

Long answer -

Academics are not only about knowledge for a future career, general culture and cognitive development. Its immediate importance is about FAMILY MONEY.

I insist on the word family. Teens should care about their parents' expenditures, because it's that much less for their inheritance, or car purchases or downpayments on homes, or whatever else they might need in early adulthood to turbocharge their upward mobility.

This is a conversation, in fact, about building generational wealth. You as the parent have various investments, and you don't want a lackadaisical child to squander the family's financial opportunities. You want financial aid, merit aid, and to reduce your tuition load as much as humanely possible. Merit aid is a reduction in tuition. Financial aid is mostly loans. The former is less burdensome than the latter! And no one is giving out merit aid to mediocre students.

I say this as the parent of a kid with ADHD/ASD. The bar for kids with special needs is lower. He did manage to get into a decent college with merit aid, but I agreed to an expensive private university, not the State U that accepted him, because the Disability Office of the private offered him a lot more residential and academic accommodations. Will all those extra payments translate to higher income for him? Probably not. With him, we're on a different scale: that of not closing doors too early. If he can be financially independent when I'm gone, that's all I ask.

So by all means, get another evaluation. Call Stixrud. They're excellent. There is a waitlist, so in the meantime, get your kid an executive functioning coach and start explaining how the world works.

These are great points. My 5th grader is asking why they didn’t apply to $$ private schools like some of their friends. So l already had to start explaining to them about how it’s $50k a year, we’re not wealthy but also don’t qualify for FA (1 kid), I will probably have to pay a lot for college, and their chances of getting into their preferred universities are not necessarily better going to the $$ private school. Kind of surprised l had to start talking to them about this at the age of 11.

Family money is a good way to think about it.

[Anonymous]

As a parent, if you have not guided your children from a young age and instilled in them a work ethic through supervision and example, then it is too late to have this conversation with a teen.

If your kid does not even understand why they have to submit assignments on time then they are not even aware what is at stake and what cost they will pay down the line. Your kids are basically a product of your parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:High school is just something that you have to do if you want opportunities in life. College is the same way. Unless you have a lot of family money, a decent education is not optional if she wants to have a standard of living comparable to the one she has now.

Oh please; no it isn’t!

She could get married & not have to worry about it.

Or use her creativity in other ways to make a highly successful and satisfying career.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, if you have not guided your children from a young age and instilled in them a work ethic through supervision and example, then it is too late to have this conversation with a teen.

If your kid does not even understand why they have to submit assignments on time then they are not even aware what is at stake and what cost they will pay down the line. Your kids are basically a product of your parenting.

That last sentence there is asking for karma to bite you in the butt…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short answer -

She needs the best GPA she can get, and the best test scores (congrats on the high score!) to get merit aid, which in the long run might prove more useful than a top-ranked name on a diploma.

Long answer -

Academics are not only about knowledge for a future career, general culture and cognitive development. Its immediate importance is about FAMILY MONEY.

I insist on the word family. Teens should care about their parents' expenditures, because it's that much less for their inheritance, or car purchases or downpayments on homes, or whatever else they might need in early adulthood to turbocharge their upward mobility.

This is a conversation, in fact, about building generational wealth. You as the parent have various investments, and you don't want a lackadaisical child to squander the family's financial opportunities. You want financial aid, merit aid, and to reduce your tuition load as much as humanely possible. Merit aid is a reduction in tuition. Financial aid is mostly loans. The former is less burdensome than the latter! And no one is giving out merit aid to mediocre students.

I say this as the parent of a kid with ADHD/ASD. The bar for kids with special needs is lower. He did manage to get into a decent college with merit aid, but I agreed to an expensive private university, not the State U that accepted him, because the Disability Office of the private offered him a lot more residential and academic accommodations. Will all those extra payments translate to higher income for him? Probably not. With him, we're on a different scale: that of not closing doors too early. If he can be financially independent when I'm gone, that's all I ask.

So by all means, get another evaluation. Call Stixrud. They're excellent. There is a waitlist, so in the meantime, get your kid an executive functioning coach and start explaining how the world works.

I posted previously that I have a kid like OP’s daughter, and with all due respect this response is exactly the type of explanation/lecture that would make him dig in his heels in his own position.

I would strongly advise against doing or saying any of this with a kid who seems to actually have the game figured out.

It's seriously so out of touch.

Finances are not an issue for most families? You really think so?

OK.

Nah, a teen as smart and savvy as OP’s is also well aware that the “family” finances are really the “parent” finances. And the poster you seem to agree with wasn’t discussing normal family financial issues, such as “if you don’t get a merit scholarship we can’t even afford state college” and the like. She was talking about inheritance, building generational wealth, and “turbocharging upward mobility”…

I don’t know OP’s daughter but I guarantee I know what she would think of someone who says stuff like that…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, if you have not guided your children from a young age and instilled in them a work ethic through supervision and example, then it is too late to have this conversation with a teen.

If your kid does not even understand why they have to submit assignments on time then they are not even aware what is at stake and what cost they will pay down the line. Your kids are basically a product of your parenting.

My parents must have missed the boat on this, too. My siblings and I somehow managed to be happy and successful members of society, though. Please, enlighten us as to what exactly is at stake and what costs will be paid down the line by not being the very best high school student one can be.

[Anonymous]

My kids also have had mild freak outs over AI. But AI is a tool! People will still need to run it. People will need to integrate it. Basically, I told my kids you need to go to college to learn how to integrate AI into your work/area of study. Knowledge is power.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent, if you have not guided your children from a young age and instilled in them a work ethic through supervision and example, then it is too late to have this conversation with a teen.

If your kid does not even understand why they have to submit assignments on time then they are not even aware what is at stake and what cost they will pay down the line. Your kids are basically a product of your parenting.

You are focused on a symptom rather than the problem. Children, especially teenagers, are individuals with their own thoughts and motivations. They’re not robots. OP’s daughter has legitimate concerns about the future. She sees the world in dystopian terms. OP needs to discuss the pressures and changing landscape to empower her dd, which will solve the late assignments. She needs to become adaptable to change because the people who are succeed in life. There will always be technological change! I’m 52 and my kids are seeing that I’m having to learn machine learning for my job. Life is constant change and constant learning.

[Anonymous]

Another approach is to call her “bluff” and tell her she needs to lean into AI. Ask her to tell you how LLMs work, the jobs AI will create, the jobs AI may displace and then what fields of study will allow her to harness its power.

Work backwards from that. If she says that AI prompt engineers will be in high demand…well what is the profile. If say linguistics becomes more important, then what does that field entail?

I don’t think she is wrong. The entry level job market for many white collar jobs will be impacted. The job market for lawyers, investment bankers, consultants, etc may look radically different 5+ years from now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:High school is just something that you have to do if you want opportunities in life. College is the same way. Unless you have a lot of family money, a decent education is not optional if she wants to have a standard of living comparable to the one she has now.

Oh please; no it isn’t!

She could get married & not have to worry about it.

Or use her creativity in other ways to make a highly successful and satisfying career.

Bwahaha, I have a few divorced friends who can enlightening her.

Also, unless she is exceptional in looks, the men who can support her won't want her. No one wants stupid genes running amok in their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Short answer -

She needs the best GPA she can get, and the best test scores (congrats on the high score!) to get merit aid, which in the long run might prove more useful than a top-ranked name on a diploma.

Long answer -

Academics are not only about knowledge for a future career, general culture and cognitive development. Its immediate importance is about FAMILY MONEY.

I insist on the word family. Teens should care about their parents' expenditures, because it's that much less for their inheritance, or car purchases or downpayments on homes, or whatever else they might need in early adulthood to turbocharge their upward mobility.

This is a conversation, in fact, about building generational wealth. You as the parent have various investments, and you don't want a lackadaisical child to squander the family's financial opportunities. You want financial aid, merit aid, and to reduce your tuition load as much as humanely possible. Merit aid is a reduction in tuition. Financial aid is mostly loans. The former is less burdensome than the latter! And no one is giving out merit aid to mediocre students.

I say this as the parent of a kid with ADHD/ASD. The bar for kids with special needs is lower. He did manage to get into a decent college with merit aid, but I agreed to an expensive private university, not the State U that accepted him, because the Disability Office of the private offered him a lot more residential and academic accommodations. Will all those extra payments translate to higher income for him? Probably not. With him, we're on a different scale: that of not closing doors too early. If he can be financially independent when I'm gone, that's all I ask.

So by all means, get another evaluation. Call Stixrud. They're excellent. There is a waitlist, so in the meantime, get your kid an executive functioning coach and start explaining how the world works.

I posted previously that I have a kid like OP’s daughter, and with all due respect this response is exactly the type of explanation/lecture that would make him dig in his heels in his own position.

I would strongly advise against doing or saying any of this with a kid who seems to actually have the game figured out.

It's seriously so out of touch.

Finances are not an issue for most families? You really think so?

OK.

Nah, a teen as smart and savvy as OP’s is also well aware that the “family” finances are really the “parent” finances. And the poster you seem to agree with wasn’t discussing normal family financial issues, such as “if you don’t get a merit scholarship we can’t even afford state college” and the like. She was talking about inheritance, building generational wealth, and “turbocharging upward mobility”…

I don’t know OP’s daughter but I guarantee I know what she would think of someone who says stuff like that…

As she should because it devalues the child by equating their worth with money. Yikes!

[Anonymous]

This sounds normal. Majority of teens are not highly motivated and seeking the top achievement in everything, and default to being lazy. Most want to zone out on their phone in their free time (and when they are supposed to be doing something else too). Your daughter sounds average. As a parent, there is only so much you can do. You cannot force them to be more motivated. It is a lot down to their temperament and personality. So take the blame off yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kids also have had mild freak outs over AI. But AI is a tool! People will still need to run it. People will need to integrate it. Basically, I told my kids you need to go to college to learn how to integrate AI into your work/area of study. Knowledge is power.

Why not just have your kids go into computer science then?

Somebody has to create AI.