Why 50/50? My Attorney Saying 50/50 isn’t likelh

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think it makes the most sense to consider what makes the most sense for the kids given their schedules (sports, therapy, school, etc), the locations and schedules of the parents, and any family traditions (e.g., vacations, visiting family, holidays). Then calculate the split.

Don't make it 50/50 with a 14 yo who is into competitive swim but who has a parent who lives too far away to take the son to swim practice. Find a way to give both parents time without imposing on the child. That's takes cooperation and putting aside your issues, but really is how it should work.

Regardless it should be 50-50. Don't take away your child's other parent just to spite them. You aren't putting aside your issues if you are saying don't do 50-50. Or, you can do it where the other parent lives and you can do the commute.

No. A kid can't be on two different swim teams. And practices for competitive swimmers are really early before school, so commuting may not be an option.

A kid shouldn't have their life blown up even more because their parents are divorcing. Tweens and teens have their own interests and schedules. For older kids it may end up being 50/50 of the kid's free time when they're not in school or at sports/activities, rather than 50/50 overall custody. Or the parent can find a way to live closer to accommodate. The schedule has to be about the needs of the kids, not some arbitrary formula.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think it makes the most sense to consider what makes the most sense for the kids given their schedules (sports, therapy, school, etc), the locations and schedules of the parents, and any family traditions (e.g., vacations, visiting family, holidays). Then calculate the split.

Don't make it 50/50 with a 14 yo who is into competitive swim but who has a parent who lives too far away to take the son to swim practice. Find a way to give both parents time without imposing on the child. That's takes cooperation and putting aside your issues, but really is how it should work.

Regardless it should be 50-50. Don't take away your child's other parent just to spite them. You aren't putting aside your issues if you are saying don't do 50-50. Or, you can do it where the other parent lives and you can do the commute.

No. A kid can't be on two different swim teams. And practices for competitive swimmers are really early before school, so commuting may not be an option.

A kid shouldn't have their life blown up even more because their parents are divorcing. Tweens and teens have their own interests and schedules. For older kids it may end up being 50/50 of the kid's free time when they're not in school or at sports/activities, rather than 50/50 overall custody. Or the parent can find a way to live closer to accommodate. The schedule has to be about the needs of the kids, not some arbitrary formula.

The swim team example is from a prior DCUM thread, not my own life, but it is generally applicable. If kids have goals and priorities, the custody rules should be used as a barrier. Parents should support their kids, not use them as weapons to get back at their ex or to keep from paying more child support while doing the bare minimum.

[Anonymous]

I feel like DCUM often says that everyone gets 50/50, but when I look at the divorced, separated and never married families I know there is a huge variety. I worked for many years a teacher of kids young enough that I knew the basics of custody, and it's not all 50/50. In my own family, my ex moved 1600 miles away. We don't have 50/50. I have niblings where mom chose to take very little time with the kids. They don't have 50/50.

I think it's fair to say that barring major issues like abuse, or mental illness that are very well documented, if both parents live within a reasonable distance of each other, and both parents want as much custody as they can get, the court will likely order 50/50, so you might as well save your money and get to that place through mediation. But "everyone ends up with 50/50" is a DCUM myth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel like DCUM often says that everyone gets 50/50, but when I look at the divorced, separated and never married families I know there is a huge variety. I worked for many years a teacher of kids young enough that I knew the basics of custody, and it's not all 50/50. In my own family, my ex moved 1600 miles away. We don't have 50/50. I have niblings where mom chose to take very little time with the kids. They don't have 50/50.

I think it's fair to say that barring major issues like abuse, or mental illness that are very well documented, if both parents live within a reasonable distance of each other, and both parents want as much custody as they can get, the court will likely order 50/50, so you might as well save your money and get to that place through mediation. But "everyone ends up with 50/50" is a DCUM myth.

I think the point is that the baseline legal entitlement is 50-50. If dad wants 50-50 he’s going to get it, barring a serious issue like abuse or mental illness. (And no, the location of swim practice doesn’t trump that.) What you’re seeing is parents who did not want 50%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men don't want to see their children.

My friend who is a divorce lawyer says the new thing (last 15 years) with women is forcing their H's to take the kids 50/50, instead of fighting for more custody to maximize child support, but that's because most women she represents have their own money. Also, they sincerely want their ex's to be part of their children's lives so they force it through the courts.

That's a fancy way of saying the women don't want to see their children either.

Nope! Just managing mental health of kids who don’t need to grow up with daddy issues.

It’s actually bizarre how many women are cool with their H’s essentially knowing nothing about their children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men don't want to see their children.

My friend who is a divorce lawyer says the new thing (last 15 years) with women is forcing their H's to take the kids 50/50, instead of fighting for more custody to maximize child support, but that's because most women she represents have their own money. Also, they sincerely want their ex's to be part of their children's lives so they force it through the courts.

That's a fancy way of saying the women don't want to see their children either.

Nope! Just managing mental health of kids who don’t need to grow up with daddy issues.

It’s actually bizarre how many women are cool with their H’s essentially knowing nothing about their children.

It's the same poster who has the narrative that only women can raise kids and all fathers are not interested in their kids nor want them. It's really sad for their kids that they keep the dad's away. They don't care how much they are hurting their kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Most men don't want to see their children.

My friend who is a divorce lawyer says the new thing (last 15 years) with women is forcing their H's to take the kids 50/50, instead of fighting for more custody to maximize child support, but that's because most women she represents have their own money. Also, they sincerely want their ex's to be part of their children's lives so they force it through the courts.

That's a fancy way of saying the women don't want to see their children either.

Nope! Just managing mental health of kids who don’t need to grow up with daddy issues.

It’s actually bizarre how many women are cool with their H’s essentially knowing nothing about their children.

It's the same poster who has the narrative that only women can raise kids and all fathers are not interested in their kids nor want them. It's really sad for their kids that they keep the dad's away. They don't care how much they are hurting their kids.

I never said all.

Many men think their job are more important than their children, divorce because they are absent, then are face to face with a judge to just say yea… I don’t really want to see my kids.

They walk in all “nobody is taking my kids from ME” and then they are faced with a schedule 50/50 that challenges their narcissism.

The judge then has to explain before care, after care, and going to the gym is not an excuse for not taking 50/50.

Its quite hilarious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I feel like DCUM often says that everyone gets 50/50, but when I look at the divorced, separated and never married families I know there is a huge variety. I worked for many years a teacher of kids young enough that I knew the basics of custody, and it's not all 50/50. In my own family, my ex moved 1600 miles away. We don't have 50/50. I have niblings where mom chose to take very little time with the kids. They don't have 50/50.

I think it's fair to say that barring major issues like abuse, or mental illness that are very well documented, if both parents live within a reasonable distance of each other, and both parents want as much custody as they can get, the court will likely order 50/50, so you might as well save your money and get to that place through mediation. But "everyone ends up with 50/50" is a DCUM myth.

I think the point is that the baseline legal entitlement is 50-50. If dad wants 50-50 he’s going to get it, barring a serious issue like abuse or mental illness. (And no, the location of swim practice doesn’t trump that.) What you’re seeing is parents who did not want 50%.

OP hasn't said whether her kids' other parent wants it, and how he has shown that. It's also unclear when she says "worse case is he gets every other weekend" whether she means the best case is that he gets 50/50 or that he gets nothing.

I will also say that there are plenty of families who recognize that at a certain age things matter and put together schedules that let both parents see the kid a lot, and actively parent the kid, and also let the kid do the activities they want and sleep in the same place each night.

[Anonymous]

Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry

A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry

A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings.

The difference is night and day sometimes and unfortunately, on display when the parents switch each week. I do think that's mainly the first years and they'll eventually find a rhythm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry

So do women.

[Anonymous]

I've dated several divorced dads who really step up once the wife is out of the picture during their custody time. But I can tell from stories they tell that the ex wife did more when they were married.

You can't tell from how a dad acts during marriage how he will act when he is a single dad. A lot of men, if a woman is around, will be lazy and let her do more work. it doesn't mean they CANT do the work. They just act like they cant so they get out of it. Once they get custody, they step up and do tons of stuff their exes thought they "couldnt" do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I've dated several divorced dads who really step up once the wife is out of the picture during their custody time. But I can tell from stories they tell that the ex wife did more when they were married.

You can't tell from how a dad acts during marriage how he will act when he is a single dad. A lot of men, if a woman is around, will be lazy and let her do more work. it doesn't mean they CANT do the work. They just act like they cant so they get out of it. Once they get custody, they step up and do tons of stuff their exes
thought they "couldnt" do.

You can’t really tell from that perspective what the divorced dad is actually doing. Even if they are forced to step up and feed and clothe their children, it’s likely still the bare minimum, and mom is still doing all the work of organizing school, medical care, activities …

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I really think it makes the most sense to consider what makes the most sense for the kids given their schedules (sports, therapy, school, etc), the locations and schedules of the parents, and any family traditions (e.g., vacations, visiting family, holidays). Then calculate the split.

Don't make it 50/50 with a 14 yo who is into competitive swim but who has a parent who lives too far away to take the son to swim practice. Find a way to give both parents time without imposing on the child. That's takes cooperation and putting aside your issues, but really is how it should work.

Regardless it should be 50-50. Don't take away your child's other parent just to spite them. You aren't putting aside your issues if you are saying don't do 50-50. Or, you can do it where the other parent lives and you can do the commute.

No. A kid can't be on two different swim teams. And practices for competitive swimmers are really early before school, so commuting may not be an option.

A kid shouldn't have their life blown up even more because their parents are divorcing. Tweens and teens have their own interests and schedules. For older kids it may end up being 50/50 of the kid's free time when they're not in school or at sports/activities, rather than 50/50 overall custody. Or the parent can find a way to live closer to accommodate. The schedule has to be about the needs of the kids, not some arbitrary formula.

You can be on two swim teams but you can only compete with one. My kids swim competitively as well as other activities. You can have the kids on teams half way or near the other parent if it’s an issue. There are lots of options. You just don’t want dad involved.