Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
NP. I can’t believe you wrote a whole fanfic to justify this dad’s behavior.
I cannot believe you don't even know the entire situation and condemn one parent when you don't know the entire situation and don't care. You will do anything to make mom out to be a saint when she set up Dad to fail and then complains about it. You are talking rec sports. Your kids aren't high level or they'd be club so it makes it more bizarre. Mom can set the schedule for her days and take them. Not everyone can drop work and other things at 3-4 PM and take their kids to activities.
Parents find ways to get their kids to activities while they're at work all the time. It's nuts that it's 100% up to mom and dad just gets to focus on work. He's a parent so he can figure it out too. That's what parents do.
Exactly, so if it's his time and he wants to do it, he can find the program near his home that works for him, sign up the kids and take them. Mom does the same on her time. Done. You don't sign up a child if the schedule is not possible for the person taking them. Not everyone has flexible work schedules.
Anonymous wrote:It will never cease to amaze me what people contort themselves into believing men shouldn’t have to do. On this thread alone men can not be expected to:
1. Dress the child in a school uniform
2. Administer medicine on time
3. Meet basic grooming needs of the child
4. Support a child’s extra curricular activities
Seriously how low is this bar you’re setting for men and why don’t you have any standards?
And how does a smart, capable 20-something woman reading this thread not conclude that she's better off finding a sperm donor if she wants kids than partnering up with someone?
Fortunately, the majority of men are not like this. My husband brings home the bacon, learned how to braid our daughter's hair, is a rockstar family planner, and hates nothing more than to miss the kids' extracurricular activities.
The voice of the selfish, bitter, misogynistic divorced poster who only thinks about how things affect him personally is not the majority. Many men love being parents and are happy to get their kids to a soccer practice one way or another.
+1 my husband can braid, read the instructions on a medicine bottle, sign up for activities, and even leave work to get to extra curriculars.
What is good is that the bitter misogynists get to find out what everyone in their children’s activities is already saying about them. Cautionary tale.
Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
Mom…went back in time, to when she was married, and signed her kid up for a sport she and her husband both encouraged, just in case she got divorced? You’re truly blinded by your hatred of women.
Exactly, when people choose to divorce things change and it's not always reasonable to keep things the same. If you want them the same, stay married. Mom should not dictate what happens on dad's time and sign up kids knowing there is a conflict. She does it on her time or coordinates with him. If she signs up the kids for sports at 4PM and he's working, what do you want him to do? Quit his job as rec sports are more important? Then, what about his household expenses and child support? You are so close-minded it's really mind-blowing.
When you have two parents at home you can divide and conquer. One can drive, and the other can do dinner, laundry, etc. Assuming it fits in schedules.
There are lots of rec sports so being stuck on one group is trying to stick it to the other parent and setting them up to fail. For ES kids, there are tons of private programs around so you can find one to fit your schedule. It becomes harder for teens when they do actual club sports, music, private lessons, and HS sports/music activities and juggling all that. But, even with our club sports we are given 3 options for times to choose from and if our kid misses some practices for something else it's ok. The coaches fully support it.
You seem to have all the empathy in the world for what Dad wants. Do you have any for what the kid wants? They already get to have their lives rewritten by their parents choices, why should they have to give up a sport they did for years just for Dad’s convenience?
Do you simply not understand that it's not possible for all families, married or divorced to cater to each child. There are plenty of rec sports. You can choose a different one if the timing does not work out. How hard is that to get? Families change when parents divorce. What was once possible may not always be - regardless of it if is the mom or dad. If sports are at 4 PM and one or both parents need to work, demanding the other parent take off at 3 and risk their job is not reasonable. There is a reason why people like you get divorced.
Nope I’m still not divorced.
When you have a kid it’s your responsibility to raise the kid. Yes sometimes that mean making sacrifices based on what is in your child’s best interest. Making them drop their activities in order to cater to YOU, the adult, is bad parenting, and honestly suggestive of the kind of awful selfishness that leads to divorce…
Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
Mom…went back in time, to when she was married, and signed her kid up for a sport she and her husband both encouraged, just in case she got divorced? You’re truly blinded by your hatred of women.
Exactly, when people choose to divorce things change and it's not always reasonable to keep things the same. If you want them the same, stay married. Mom should not dictate what happens on dad's time and sign up kids knowing there is a conflict. She does it on her time or coordinates with him. If she signs up the kids for sports at 4PM and he's working, what do you want him to do? Quit his job as rec sports are more important? Then, what about his household expenses and child support? You are so close-minded it's really mind-blowing.
When you have two parents at home you can divide and conquer. One can drive, and the other can do dinner, laundry, etc. Assuming it fits in schedules.
There are lots of rec sports so being stuck on one group is trying to stick it to the other parent and setting them up to fail. For ES kids, there are tons of private programs around so you can find one to fit your schedule. It becomes harder for teens when they do actual club sports, music, private lessons, and HS sports/music activities and juggling all that. But, even with our club sports we are given 3 options for times to choose from and if our kid misses some practices for something else it's ok. The coaches fully support it.
You seem to have all the empathy in the world for what Dad wants. Do you have any for what the kid wants? They already get to have their lives rewritten by their parents choices, why should they have to give up a sport they did for years just for Dad’s convenience?
Do you simply not understand that it's not possible for all families, married or divorced to cater to each child. There are plenty of rec sports. You can choose a different one if the timing does not work out. How hard is that to get? Families change when parents divorce. What was once possible may not always be - regardless of it if is the mom or dad. If sports are at 4 PM and one or both parents need to work, demanding the other parent take off at 3 and risk their job is not reasonable. There is a reason why people like you get divorced.
Nope I’m still not divorced.
When you have a kid it’s your responsibility to raise the kid. Yes sometimes that mean making sacrifices based on what is in your child’s best interest. Making them drop their activities in order to cater to YOU, the adult, is bad parenting, and honestly suggestive of the kind of awful selfishness that leads to divorce…
So, you want someone to sacrifice their job so the kid can play rec sports with yours? There are plenty of other programs. Your posts make no sense.
Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
Mom…went back in time, to when she was married, and signed her kid up for a sport she and her husband both encouraged, just in case she got divorced? You’re truly blinded by your hatred of women.
Exactly, when people choose to divorce things change and it's not always reasonable to keep things the same. If you want them the same, stay married. Mom should not dictate what happens on dad's time and sign up kids knowing there is a conflict. She does it on her time or coordinates with him. If she signs up the kids for sports at 4PM and he's working, what do you want him to do? Quit his job as rec sports are more important? Then, what about his household expenses and child support? You are so close-minded it's really mind-blowing.
When you have two parents at home you can divide and conquer. One can drive, and the other can do dinner, laundry, etc. Assuming it fits in schedules.
There are lots of rec sports so being stuck on one group is trying to stick it to the other parent and setting them up to fail. For ES kids, there are tons of private programs around so you can find one to fit your schedule. It becomes harder for teens when they do actual club sports, music, private lessons, and HS sports/music activities and juggling all that. But, even with our club sports we are given 3 options for times to choose from and if our kid misses some practices for something else it's ok. The coaches fully support it.
You seem to have all the empathy in the world for what Dad wants. Do you have any for what the kid wants? They already get to have their lives rewritten by their parents choices, why should they have to give up a sport they did for years just for Dad’s convenience?
Do you simply not understand that it's not possible for all families, married or divorced to cater to each child. There are plenty of rec sports. You can choose a different one if the timing does not work out. How hard is that to get? Families change when parents divorce. What was once possible may not always be - regardless of it if is the mom or dad. If sports are at 4 PM and one or both parents need to work, demanding the other parent take off at 3 and risk their job is not reasonable. There is a reason why people like you get divorced.
Nope I’m still not divorced.
When you have a kid it’s your responsibility to raise the kid. Yes sometimes that mean making sacrifices based on what is in your child’s best interest. Making them drop their activities in order to cater to YOU, the adult, is bad parenting, and honestly suggestive of the kind of awful selfishness that leads to divorce…
So, you want someone to sacrifice their job so the kid can play rec sports with yours? There are plenty of other programs. Your posts make no sense.
So this fanfic has now evolved such that this mythical father will lose his job if he lets his kid do a sport?
Pro tip: when you have to work this hard and make up this many unlikely details to justify someone’s behavior, you probably just shouldn’t.
Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
Mom…went back in time, to when she was married, and signed her kid up for a sport she and her husband both encouraged, just in case she got divorced? You’re truly blinded by your hatred of women.
Exactly, when people choose to divorce things change and it's not always reasonable to keep things the same. If you want them the same, stay married. Mom should not dictate what happens on dad's time and sign up kids knowing there is a conflict. She does it on her time or coordinates with him. If she signs up the kids for sports at 4PM and he's working, what do you want him to do? Quit his job as rec sports are more important? Then, what about his household expenses and child support? You are so close-minded it's really mind-blowing.
When you have two parents at home you can divide and conquer. One can drive, and the other can do dinner, laundry, etc. Assuming it fits in schedules.
There are lots of rec sports so being stuck on one group is trying to stick it to the other parent and setting them up to fail. For ES kids, there are tons of private programs around so you can find one to fit your schedule. It becomes harder for teens when they do actual club sports, music, private lessons, and HS sports/music activities and juggling all that. But, even with our club sports we are given 3 options for times to choose from and if our kid misses some practices for something else it's ok. The coaches fully support it.
You seem to have all the empathy in the world for what Dad wants. Do you have any for what the kid wants? They already get to have their lives rewritten by their parents choices, why should they have to give up a sport they did for years just for Dad’s convenience?
Do you simply not understand that it's not possible for all families, married or divorced to cater to each child. There are plenty of rec sports. You can choose a different one if the timing does not work out. How hard is that to get? Families change when parents divorce. What was once possible may not always be - regardless of it if is the mom or dad. If sports are at 4 PM and one or both parents need to work, demanding the other parent take off at 3 and risk their job is not reasonable. There is a reason why people like you get divorced.
Nope I’m still not divorced.
When you have a kid it’s your responsibility to raise the kid. Yes sometimes that mean making sacrifices based on what is in your child’s best interest. Making them drop their activities in order to cater to YOU, the adult, is bad parenting, and honestly suggestive of the kind of awful selfishness that leads to divorce…
So, you want someone to sacrifice their job so the kid can play rec sports with yours? There are plenty of other programs. Your posts make no sense.
Truly remarkable how many parents—
married and divorced— manage to both have jobs and let their kids do the sports they love. A parent who wouldn’t lose his job letting his kid play basketball before the divorce doesn’t suddenly lose his job by calling a parent to organize a carpool after it. You’re choosing to make excuses only for the men who don’t measure up. Weird group to be the champion for.
Anonymous wrote:Most men don't want to see their children.
My friend who is a divorce lawyer says the new thing (last 15 years) with women is forcing their H's to take the kids 50/50, instead of fighting for more custody to maximize child support, but that's because most women she represents have their own money. Also, they sincerely want their ex's to be part of their children's lives so they force it through the courts.
That doesn't work. You can't force an unwilling co-parent to take 50% custody. I know one person who tried that, and her ex moved out of state and became even less involved.
Or hire sitters and barely instruct them or manage them.
Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
Mom…went back in time, to when she was married, and signed her kid up for a sport she and her husband both encouraged, just in case she got divorced? You’re truly blinded by your hatred of women.
Exactly, when people choose to divorce things change and it's not always reasonable to keep things the same. If you want them the same, stay married. Mom should not dictate what happens on dad's time and sign up kids knowing there is a conflict. She does it on her time or coordinates with him. If she signs up the kids for sports at 4PM and he's working, what do you want him to do? Quit his job as rec sports are more important? Then, what about his household expenses and child support? You are so close-minded it's really mind-blowing.
When you have two parents at home you can divide and conquer. One can drive, and the other can do dinner, laundry, etc. Assuming it fits in schedules.
There are lots of rec sports so being stuck on one group is trying to stick it to the other parent and setting them up to fail. For ES kids, there are tons of private programs around so you can find one to fit your schedule. It becomes harder for teens when they do actual club sports, music, private lessons, and HS sports/music activities and juggling all that. But, even with our club sports we are given 3 options for times to choose from and if our kid misses some practices for something else it's ok. The coaches fully support it.
You seem to have all the empathy in the world for what Dad wants. Do you have any for what the kid wants? They already get to have their lives rewritten by their parents choices, why should they have to give up a sport they did for years just for Dad’s convenience?
Do you simply not understand that it's not possible for all families, married or divorced to cater to each child. There are plenty of rec sports. You can choose a different one if the timing does not work out. How hard is that to get? Families change when parents divorce. What was once possible may not always be - regardless of it if is the mom or dad. If sports are at 4 PM and one or both parents need to work, demanding the other parent take off at 3 and risk their job is not reasonable. There is a reason why people like you get divorced.
Nope I’m still not divorced.
When you have a kid it’s your responsibility to raise the kid. Yes sometimes that mean making sacrifices based on what is in your child’s best interest. Making them drop their activities in order to cater to YOU, the adult, is bad parenting, and honestly suggestive of the kind of awful selfishness that leads to divorce…
So, you want someone to sacrifice their job so the kid can play rec sports with yours? There are plenty of other programs. Your posts make no sense.
Truly remarkable how many parents—
married and divorced— manage to both have jobs and let their kids do the sports they love. A parent who wouldn’t lose his job letting his kid play basketball before the divorce doesn’t suddenly lose his job by calling a parent to organize a carpool after it. You’re choosing to make excuses only for the men who don’t measure up. Weird group to be the champion for.
My kids have sports 30 minutes away at 4. Most people working cannot do that.
Anonymous wrote:Men vary as caregivers. Most are innatentive, incompetent, not paying close enough attention, flouting the rules, etc. they do the bare minimum. They don't have patience. They yell they don't care about routine, baths, and illnesses like pink eye or rash. Yet during divorce they don't want to pay child support and sthink without their wife around they'll manage fine with 50/50. What a crappy situation for the kids and the poor mothers having to worry
A newly divorced dad at our elementary school sent his 6 yo to school in tights and a t shirt, with no pants or skirt. You could see her underwear. They had to send her to the office to get something from lost and found. Apparently he didn't know the difference between tights and leggings. :roll:
I can believe it! While my ex and I have a good co-parenting relationship, he remains a ding dong. I'm the one who gets the emails about dress code violations when he puts our child in non uniform items to go to the school they've been going to for three years. And I have to remind him about things like brushing their hair. It could be worse, but it is a difference.
If those are your worst complaints it sounds like he’s doing a good job.
They aren't my worst complaints...but in general he does ok. I do remind about things like brushing hair and giving allergy meds. Even when you have 50/50 time, you're still their mother/father 100% of the time!
You sound incredibly petty.
I’m a DP but you, PP, sound like you don’t know much about raising school-age children.
Kid comes to school without uniform and gets violations because their dad can’t dress them? Has a “discipline problem” at school. Depending on the discipline structure at school that means various consequences like missing pizza parties or other privileges. You really think a kid whose parents are splitting needs a harder life?
Kid comes to school without allergy medicine and either spends the day miserable or the nurse calls a parent (probably not dad) to disrupt their day and bring the meds. You think that’s better for learning?
Kid shows up without even brushed hair? Best case the other kids are awful to her— and again you feel like that’s something a kid with divorced parents needs?— worst case the teachers are all gossiping about how X Family is neglectful.
They’ve studied this pretty rigorously that well groomed children get more attention in school. Your kid doesn’t even have their hair brushed? As an elementary school teacher said to me once— teachers don’t think it’s their job to care more than the parents.
Pp here - thank you, you understand. I am the parent who gets the emails and calls about the issue. I am helping my dc with self care skills so at some point this won't be an issue. Thankfully, ex is open to reminders. I also dialogue with the school. Like I posted - we're parents 100% of the time.
Then tell them it's dad's day and call dad. Here is the number.
I could see that with an older child. But with a younger one, I need to be in the loop about stuff like meds. So they call me.
No, you don’t need to be in the loop on dad’s day. You need to let him parent. You are the problem.
The child still needs meds and appropriate clothing and grooming on 'dads day'. It's about the child's best interest.
Back off and let him figure it out. If you keep micromanaging and criticizing he will never figure it out. I can only imagine how difficult you make things for him. And, do some of the activities near his house.
Some amount of letting a child figure it out is fine. Meds need to be supervised by an adult. I disagree that moving activities toward the other parent's house to make it more convenient for that parent is in the child's best interests. If a kid is in an established program with a group of supportive peers, that should not be disturbed. Divorce and two households are really hard on kids - taking away the few outlets and support systems they have so as to avoid inconvenience to a parent is a big mistake.
And that’s probably why dad cannot take kids to activities. If he has to work full time and drive kids an hour back and forth to school the activities, it’s not reasonable or realistic. Why should mom get an easy quick drive for the kids but not dad. Equal parenting means equal and this is no way equal. Mom does what’s best for her, not for the kids or dad. Then complains without caring why.
There are workarounds. I know a mom who works full time, doesn't get any child support, pays for all activities, and drives (or arranges a carpool) for the kids to and from their activities. Dad's parenting time starts after the conclusion of the activities as stipulated in the parenting agreement. Dad gets to remain lazy, and occasionally complain per his nature, but not otherwise screw up the kids preexisting life around school and sports. Mom works much harder and has less free time and money but views this as better than the alternative (dad's laziness and obstinacy taking away the kid's activities and friendships).
This solution is contingent on the dad giving up some of "his" parenting time. In contentious divorces, the lazy parent can block this option to get back at the ex. It's so horrible to see when one "parent" isn't acting in the best interests of the kids.
If dad lives a distance away and working full time, you have to be reasonable especially if all activities are near mom not dad. A 7 years olds priority should be a relationship with both parents over activities. This mom is petty and unreasonable.
This is absurd. In this hypothetical (or real situation), the mom is the one working full time, not taking any child support, and paying for and getting the kids to all their activities. "Petty" is the last applicable adjective. Try selfless, loving, and putting the child first. The dad here is lazy and self-centered, and his existence only serves to cause problems in people's lives - he doesn't pay a share of any activities, doesn't pay child support, and doesn't do any of the driving. This is likely the parent who doesn't know the name of the child's dentist or pediatrician. Genders can easily be reversed in this scenario if the mom is the one who doesn't do any parenting (who gets in the way and doesn't provide support). It's the parent on another thread who protested letting his child attend a school band concert. Who does that? To him, parenting time is the last vestige of power or control he can exert over other people's lives. He is a liability. The bigger parent plays defense and tries to mitigate the damage. Kids figure it out, and there are lifelong repercussions. They know who butters their bread. The crap parent gets cut out when the child is no longer legally required to spend time with them.
There is no evidence dad is lazy or not involved. Child support may not be appropriate. If mom is the sole decision maker and paid for the activities without dad’s consent she can drive them. Simple. You are making assumptions he is a bad dad without the entire story.
Mom isn't the sole decision maker. The kid asked to to the activity. It's about the kid, not the mom/ex. That's where you're so so wrong. And where the dad is wrong for refusing to support their kid.
If logistically it doesn’t work for dad on his time, mom needs to do it on her time. She confidently does. Discuss the location, time, etc.
You can't do team sports, play in an orchestra, or act in the school play on only certain days when you're with one parent. This position turns a child into the prisoner of an unhealthy parent. It's going to backfire - why even ask for parenting time at all if the end result is that your kid grows to resent you and you have no relationship later in life? Be a halfway decent human being and show up for your kid or get out of the way.
You can if both parents work together and cooperate. If mom signs up the kid in dad’s time and he is unable due to the location she can step in and drive to the activity and dads house.
But that's the thing--we are talking about a situation where one of the parent refuses to work together and cooperate. Kid asks to play soccer so parent #1 signs him up. The league informs them that the kid has been assigned to a team that practices on Tuesday and Thursday. Parent #2 says "No way is my kid practicing on Tuesdays! That's MY day." Parent #1 offers to drive kid to Tuesday practice, or switch and let parent #2 have Wednesdays instead of Tuesdays --but no. Parent #2 refuses to accommodate. So now, kid can't play soccer because you can't miss half the practices and stay on the team.
Examples like this have come up MANY times on DCUM.
First, you ask about dates and times BEFORE you sign them up. That's common sense. Second, if you want the other parent to take them, you make it convenient for you. If Dad is already doing all the drop off and pick ups an hour a way (that's at least two hours round trip) and working, it may simply be a time issue. Or, if the time is when Dad has to work. And, if switching says doesn't work, that's ok. You are making up stuff to make Dad out to be a bad parent without discussion all the other factors that go into it.
My kid misses lots of their sport for other things. You know what, it's ok. We email the coach and let them know. Done.
First, a lot of sports/activities/leagues won't tell you the dates and times until AFTER you have registered/tried out. Sometimes it's because they need to know how many participants/teams they will field, sometimes it's because of the (volunteer) coaches' schedules...there are many working parts and they can't always give you answers before you commit. That's just the way it is.
Second, well sure if parent one wants to make it convenient for themselves. Did you mis-type what you wrote? But often parent #1 is even willing to make it inconvenient for themselves but parent #2 still won't budge.
If your kid is missing lots of things for their sport and your coach is cool with it, your kid is very young and not playing in a competitve league. That's not going to work as your kid progresses and wants to play at higher levels.
Mine are in multiple activities and no they are not young and they are in two very competitive programs. Good try. They all give us the schedules in advance and we work around things but the complications comes in with HS school activities as well. You think activities are more important than spending limited time with a parent. Yea for you. you find an activity that gives you the schedule in advanced.
Unless you were the kids coach you know exactly what she's talking about. Come on. Don't even get me started on weekday baseball games and playoffs.
You get a schedule in advance. Be real. Or find a better organized team. We do club teams and high level music and arts. Multiple programs per child and we know in dance. And, know the conflicts in advance. But, that does not work for everyone with work, commutes and multiple kids and other obligations like elder care.
You are not divorced so what are you obsessing over this?
I’m another Not Divorced person and I’ll tell you why the subject interests me— because everyone else on the team watches this unfold and feels sorry for the kid. The good parents (single and married) try to help out the parent who is trying to make it work for her child and we despise the person too lazy to let their kid keep their extra curricular. People should know how their actions are viewed.
+1
You think the rest of the team doesn't notice?
But do you know the whole story? Or just what the one parent tells you?
There really isn’t a big two-sides mystery when the kid did the same team/sport for the whole time the parents were married, and then one parent suddenly can’t be bothered to take them to activities and the other parent is left constantly asking for favors of rescheduling so the kid isn’t forced to miss out on something they put so much time and effort into.
Yeah if this was someone brand new to the team and one parent constantly blamed the other parent for the kid missing practices/games I might think there are two sides to the story, but this just isn’t a mystery— it’s a bad parent, and everyone including the kid can see it.
There could be lots of reasons why. Are you really that clueless? Maybe mom set the schedule knowing dad could not do it to get back at him to take away his time like you’d do.
My kid misses practices and other things. Really. It’s ok.
Mom…went back in time, to when she was married, and signed her kid up for a sport she and her husband both encouraged, just in case she got divorced? You’re truly blinded by your hatred of women.
Exactly, when people choose to divorce things change and it's not always reasonable to keep things the same. If you want them the same, stay married. Mom should not dictate what happens on dad's time and sign up kids knowing there is a conflict. She does it on her time or coordinates with him. If she signs up the kids for sports at 4PM and he's working, what do you want him to do? Quit his job as rec sports are more important? Then, what about his household expenses and child support? You are so close-minded it's really mind-blowing.
When you have two parents at home you can divide and conquer. One can drive, and the other can do dinner, laundry, etc. Assuming it fits in schedules.
There are lots of rec sports so being stuck on one group is trying to stick it to the other parent and setting them up to fail. For ES kids, there are tons of private programs around so you can find one to fit your schedule. It becomes harder for teens when they do actual club sports, music, private lessons, and HS sports/music activities and juggling all that. But, even with our club sports we are given 3 options for times to choose from and if our kid misses some practices for something else it's ok. The coaches fully support it.
You seem to have all the empathy in the world for what Dad wants. Do you have any for what the kid wants? They already get to have their lives rewritten by their parents choices, why should they have to give up a sport they did for years just for Dad’s convenience?
Do you simply not understand that it's not possible for all families, married or divorced to cater to each child. There are plenty of rec sports. You can choose a different one if the timing does not work out. How hard is that to get? Families change when parents divorce. What was once possible may not always be - regardless of it if is the mom or dad. If sports are at 4 PM and one or both parents need to work, demanding the other parent take off at 3 and risk their job is not reasonable. There is a reason why people like you get divorced.
Nope I’m still not divorced.
When you have a kid it’s your responsibility to raise the kid. Yes sometimes that mean making sacrifices based on what is in your child’s best interest. Making them drop their activities in order to cater to YOU, the adult, is bad parenting, and honestly suggestive of the kind of awful selfishness that leads to divorce…
So, you want someone to sacrifice their job so the kid can play rec sports with yours? There are plenty of other programs. Your posts make no sense.
Truly remarkable how many parents—
married and divorced— manage to both have jobs and let their kids do the sports they love. A parent who wouldn’t lose his job letting his kid play basketball before the divorce doesn’t suddenly lose his job by calling a parent to organize a carpool after it. You’re choosing to make excuses only for the men who don’t measure up. Weird group to be the champion for.
My kids have sports 30 minutes away at 4. Most people working cannot do that.
You’re new to the institution of carpools? You organize with another parent on the team with a more flexible schedule than you have to drive your kid to practice. You then, after work, pick up both kids from practice and take the other kid home. Yeah it might cramp your style to have to make a 30 minute round trip and drop another kid off but tough cookies— that’s parenting.
The other option most working people in the area avail themselves of is, you leave early and drop your kid off. You then sign back in and telework the rest of the day after your kid is in bed. Again it may cramp your style but welcome to parenthood.
Did you really think kids sports are only played by kids with SAHPs? Or that you would never have to make any sacrifices to be a parent?
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