Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

The man will divorce and the marriage will dissolve. There is much more risk to a woman who is a cheater, especially one that does not have a job. This is why there are so many posters vehemently arguing not to do it.

Cheating is so wrong and causes so much trauma...and situations like OP is in. Cheaters really put their supposed 'loved ones', their families and spouses through so much absolute sh*t just to get off on some strange. Height of selfishness.

[Anonymous]

What I find ironic is the women cheaters bashing anyone who suggests disclosing the affair to the spouse because 'she doesn't know the Ow or the other spouse', that 'they don't care about you or your family' so it's not the AP's fault and they should stay out of the marriage, blah blah blah...then they turn around and use the same argument to support their actions to HAVE the affair 'I didn't know the betrayed spouse. I didn't care about her/his family'...falling short of "I should have stayed out of their marriage' when it's about their cheating.

Real pieces of work. Not good people. Something not right in the head, missing the empathy, self awareness and logic chip.

[Anonymous]

Nope. People are crazy and have guns.

The risk-reward ratio is heavily skewed toward Risk.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. People are crazy and have guns.

The risk-reward ratio is heavily skewed toward Risk.

Which is why cheating is so risky!!! Incites the most violence. It’s someone’s family you are messing with when you cheat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Nope. People are crazy and have guns.

The risk-reward ratio is heavily skewed toward Risk.

Which is why cheating is so risky!!! Incites the most violence. It’s someone’s family you are messing with when you cheat.

And you have the angry AP and the angry betrayed spouse as a real threat when affair turns sour. Don’t cheat. Don’t risk your family’s safety.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From another poster on different thread which sums the situation up perfectly:


When your partner cheats on you, you are in an open marriage, without your knowledge or consent. You are potentially exposed to stis and stds, some of which are lifelong, some of which can affect your fertility, some of which can lead to your death.

“People can “dissolve” the marriage without doing those things. It’s called asking for a divorce. It’s called retaining an attorney and filing the divorce paperwork.

The problem is that the cheating partner is not “dissolving” the marriage, they want the stability and benefits of marriage and secret sex at the same time.

Consent is taken away from the partner who is unaware their partner is cheating. They have no ability to make their own decisions about their life. The cheater makes their decisions based on what they want only. “

This is why you tell.

10/10. Ex cheated with someone with the incurable std. I’m good btw but it was a nightmare.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.

[Anonymous]

OP -- Yes, of course. For so many reasons.

[Anonymous]

I’d want to know so I would appreciate being told vs lashing out at the messenger.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:From another poster on different thread which sums the situation up perfectly:


When your partner cheats on you, you are in an open marriage, without your knowledge or consent. You are potentially exposed to stis and stds, some of which are lifelong, some of which can affect your fertility, some of which can lead to your death.

“People can “dissolve” the marriage without doing those things. It’s called asking for a divorce. It’s called retaining an attorney and filing the divorce paperwork.

The problem is that the cheating partner is not “dissolving” the marriage, they want the stability and benefits of marriage and secret sex at the same time.

Consent is taken away from the partner who is unaware their partner is cheating. They have no ability to make their own decisions about their life. The cheater makes their decisions based on what they want only. “

This is why you tell.

10/10. Ex cheated with someone with the incurable std. I’m good btw but it was a nightmare.

DP. I'm glad that you're OK, PP. And glad that you posted. There are some people who post on this forum who constantly dismiss STIs as no big deal and nothing to consider in relationship issues but they're so wrong. Not all are curable. And STIs overall are on the rise in the past few years. Betrayed spouses need to know about affairs so they get tested--for their own sakes and for their kids' sakes too (because kids need a healthy parent).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.

Counseling won’t give my spouse a sex drive. Divorce means losing my kids 50% of the time and 50% of my money too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.

Counseling won’t give my spouse a sex drive. Divorce means losing my kids 50% of the time and 50% of my money too.

So why not tell your spouse you are going to look for an intimate relationship outside of marriage and at least give them the courtesy of choosing to get a divorce if they want to? Maybe they have a list of reasons they don’t want to have sex with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.

Counseling won’t give my spouse a sex drive. Divorce means losing my kids 50% of the time and 50% of my money too.

NP. What a lazy post. What have you and your spouse done to find out why spouse's drive is low? Did you as a couple pursue a full checkup for spouse, including tests for things like thyroid issues and depression? Did your spouse try any form of help like testosterone (both men and women use it), or viagra if male, or ditching hormonal birth control if spouse is female (BC can reduce sex drive in some women), etc etc.? Did you and spouse ever actually try therapy or sex therapy or are you just dismissing it as "it won't magically create a sex drive" so you and spouse have never even tried it? Have you spoken up from a place of concern and love, or only spoken up to ask for sex and then complain if it's not how or how much you wanted it?

If you haven't made any effort to treat your spouse as a person you love for more than just sex, and if you've felt zero concern for your spouse's physical and mental and sexual health--why is it then OK for you to cheat to get the sex you want, if you put no effort, or grudging attempts at "effort," at helping your spouse, yourself, and your marriage? Nah, cheating is easier, and you can use spouse's lack of drive as a way to blame spouse for your choice to screw around.

[Anonymous]

OP, telling her will do absolutely nothing good for you. Truly. I have been cheated on and I know how strongly you want to do this. But zero good things will come of it. You need to focus on yourself, act like she doesn't exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.

Counseling won’t give my spouse a sex drive. Divorce means losing my kids 50% of the time and 50% of my money too.

So why not tell your spouse you are going to look for an intimate relationship outside of marriage and at least give them the courtesy of choosing to get a divorce if they want to? Maybe they have a list of reasons they don’t want to have sex with you?

Because of the asymmetry of this. Anecdotally if a couple opens things up the woman can find new partners without trying hardly at all while the man has to put in lots of effort and still often doesn’t find anyone.