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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.

I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that. [/quote]

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating. [/quote]

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.[/quote]

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that.  What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell.  It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces.  They are scum.[/quote]

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.[/quote]

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family. [/quote]

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.[/quote]

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater.  And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating.  The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids.  They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either?  You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own.  That's the logic cheaters use.  It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault.  Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.
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DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband. [/quote]

People who make cheating their personality are damaged. Go to counseling and try to work on your marriage, or get a divorce. Sneaking around and sleeping with people is not what you said you wanted when you accepted a marriage proposal. Both parties promised to forsake all others. If you have changed your mind, give your spouse the ability to find someone they can have an equal and honest relationship with. Go ham sleeping with whoever you want after the divorce.[/quote]

Counseling won’t give my spouse a sex drive. Divorce means losing my kids 50% of the time and 50% of my money too. [/quote]

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