Would you tell DH’s AP’s husband?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually when a person is looking to cheat, the AP is just an opportunity that presents itself. If one opportunity doesn’t work out, the cheater will keep looking till one works out.

If your employer lets you go, do you track down your replacement and tell their prior boss that that person was out hunting for a new position?

It’s called crossing inappropriate boundaries.

Yep. That’s why the spouse needs to know to get their ducks in a row and get out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Usually when a person is looking to cheat, the AP is just an opportunity that presents itself. If one opportunity doesn’t work out, the cheater will keep looking till one works out.

If your employer lets you go, do you track down your replacement and tell their prior boss that that person was out hunting for a new position?

It’s called crossing inappropriate boundaries.

Please see a psychiatrist and get some help. Additionally, you are perhaps one of the dumbest people I’ve seen post yet. You try and try again with your stupid illogical analogies to try to make it fit so you aren’t the awful person that your actions show you to be.

And your spouse is the employer, by the way. When he hears you’ve been stealing D on the family time, he will fire your @ss.

Banging someone’s spouse and committing adultery- now we are talking about crossing inappropriate boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually when a person is looking to cheat, the AP is just an opportunity that presents itself. If one opportunity doesn’t work out, the cheater will keep looking till one works out.

If your employer lets you go, do you track down your replacement and tell their prior boss that that person was out hunting for a new position?

It’s called crossing inappropriate boundaries.

Yep. That’s why the spouse needs to know to get their ducks in a row and get out!

+1 tell the spouse. It’s the right thing to do.

See something. Say something. Do something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think I would want to tell the APs spouse, but (having not been cheated on or cheated) I hope I would be able to be level headed about factors.

1. Do they have kids— would I be ruining some kids chance at a normal childhood by telling.
2. Are they likely to be psycho? I realize this is subjective but I wouldn’t want someone showing up at my house threatening my husband (or me or my kids!).
3. Are there potential professional issues by widening knowledge of the affair— like will your husband lose his job if it’s known he slept with a subordinate.


I don’t see a reason not to tell if none of the above circumstances are in play. Unless you don’t want you own social circle knowing about the affair, because once it’s out of the bag you can’t control that.

Re 1.- they ruined my kids- no qualms about their kids. They should have put them first and thought about them before cheating.

That’s a perspective…but it’s also like saying you can abuse kids from abusive households because their parents don’t care. The kids have a value separate from the parents. The statistical outcomes from divorce aren’t great and I wouldn’t to be the reason for it if I imjad a choice.

Oh god—NOT. Telling the betrayed spouse is just that. What happens from there is not your concern. Always tell. It’s too bad they do something so selfish and hurtful that they could cause two divorces. They are scum.

I think adults are responsible for their actions. All adults. All actions. And if telling has a consequence then yes, the person telling is responsible. I’m good with all kinds of consequences to the other adults but wouldn’t impose them on kids. You can have a different view.

FFS you are messed up. The person opening her legs and be fin over repeatedly and lying to their spouse is responsible. My god.

If I watch a murder and tell the police —I’m responsible for their actions?

You really have a efffed up value system.

Cheaters can’t take responsibility fir their actions. It’s always somebody else’s fault. This poster’s response is a prime example.

If you can’t do the time, don’t do the crime.

Good parents put their kids first and don’t engage in behavior that has the ability to destroy their family.

In your example you’re responsible for a murderer going to jail. That’s a responsibility I’d be 100% good with.

In the other example you’re responsible for a kid potentially growing up in poverty, having addiction problems, etc. that might be a responsibility you’re good with and that’s up to the individual. It’s not a responsibility I’d be good with.

Again, NO. The parent that cheated has 100% responsibility, Cheater. And, when they aren't outed--they keep cheating. The fallout and danger from that is even worse because the cheater is constantly brining elements of danger (potential crazy jilted AP or a truly crazy betrayed spouse) around their own kids. They also are not focusing on their family, their spouse and usually are complete **ssholes at home because they are in 'affair fog' living in a fantasy.

The family can do anything they want. The cheater can decide they don't like being a lying, deceitful person and don't want to cheat anymore and focus on their family. The spouse could see their genuine actions and give them a chance, just as much as they could decide to ultimately divorce.

But, your own deceitful actions are what is hurting your kid and spouse---not the other victim in the situation.

Cheaters are almost always suffering from a DSM mental disorder. You can see the disordered thinking when they twist logic and use mental gymnastics in order to take ZERO blame for their awful behavior and resultant fallout.

So cheater, if the spouse found out---you are 100% not responsible either? You aren't responsible for the other family divorcing, right---because it was his/her family--not your own. That's the logic cheaters use. It's not my fault they divorced, it's my AP's fault. Well same logic applies in this situation: it's your own fault. Please go get some therapy. I'm guessing you grew up in a dysfunctional household where there were never any consequences and you saw this dysfunctional coping and behavior your entire childhood.

DSM disorder, yes. Like the chick that keeps trying to find ways to justify the cheating. Everyone else bad- not her. I feel very sorry for her husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Usually when a person is looking to cheat, the AP is just an opportunity that presents itself. If one opportunity doesn’t work out, the cheater will keep looking till one works out.

If your employer lets you go, do you track down your replacement and tell their prior boss that that person was out hunting for a new position?

It’s called crossing inappropriate boundaries.

Please see a psychiatrist and get some help. Additionally, you are perhaps one of the dumbest people I’ve seen post yet. You try and try again with your stupid illogical analogies to try to make it fit so you aren’t the awful person that your actions show you to be.

And your spouse is the employer, by the way. When he hears you’ve been stealing D on the family time, he will fire your @ss.

Banging someone’s spouse and committing adultery- now we are talking about crossing inappropriate boundaries.

Actually, I’m NP from PP.

I hope you feel better bashing on others when you can’t fix your own marriage.
And no, mine never cheated on me.

I hope you find a psychiatrist.

[Anonymous]

Yes. You tell. A simple email of a phone call initially is too much.

[Anonymous]

If I were the other spouse, I would want to know. I have a right to all of the information to make informed decisions. Please tell me.

[Anonymous]

No because the primary reason you would be doing so would be to hurt someone. You were hurt and want someone else to suffer.

It’s not really possible that you’re doing it to benefit the other spouse. You have likely never met this person and do not actually care about their well-being even if you think you do.

There’s also the risk to your own family. The other spouse could be crazy and jeopardize your safety, your spouse’s job etc. Is informing the other spouse really worth future child support or worrying a crazy is going to show up at your house or notify your friends/family.

TLDR - just no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No because the primary reason you would be doing so would be to hurt someone. You were hurt and want someone else to suffer.

It’s not really possible that you’re doing it to benefit the other spouse. You have likely never met this person and do not actually care about their well-being even if you think you do.

There’s also the risk to your own family. The other spouse could be crazy and jeopardize your safety, your spouse’s job etc. Is informing the other spouse really worth future child support or worrying a crazy is going to show up at your house or notify your friends/family.

TLDR - just no.

No. It’s not to hurt someone, that’s what the cheaters did. It’s to inform someone so they can take care if their own health and have their own agency and make informed decisions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No because the primary reason you would be doing so would be to hurt someone. You were hurt and want someone else to suffer.

It’s not really possible that you’re doing it to benefit the other spouse. You have likely never met this person and do not actually care about their well-being even if you think you do.

[/b]There’s also the risk to your own family. The other spouse could be crazy and jeopardize your safety, your spouse’s job etc. Is informing the other spouse really worth future child support or worrying a crazy is going to show up at your house or notify your friends/family. [b]

TLDR - just no.

That’s what cheaters risk for their own family. You have no idea what a betrayed spouse or a jilted AP will do. It’s why you don’t cheat and put your family at risk. The Ap did not meet you or care about your well-being either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If I were the other spouse, I would want to know. I have a right to all of the information to make informed decisions. Please tell me.

I’m glad they told me. It had gone on for several years in my own home without my knowledge while kids and I were at work/school. Bringing men off the internet into our home.

[Anonymous]

From another poster on different thread which sums the situation up perfectly:


When your partner cheats on you, you are in an open marriage, without your knowledge or consent. You are potentially exposed to stis and stds, some of which are lifelong, some of which can affect your fertility, some of which can lead to your death.

“People can “dissolve” the marriage without doing those things. It’s called asking for a divorce. It’s called retaining an attorney and filing the divorce paperwork.

The problem is that the cheating partner is not “dissolving” the marriage, they want the stability and benefits of marriage and secret sex at the same time.

Consent is taken away from the partner who is unaware their partner is cheating. They have no ability to make their own decisions about their life. The cheater makes their decisions based on what they want only. “

This is why you tell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No because the primary reason you would be doing so would be to hurt someone. You were hurt and want someone else to suffer.

It’s not really possible that you’re doing it to benefit the other spouse. You have likely never met this person and do not actually care about their well-being even if you think you do.

There’s also the risk to your own family. The other spouse could be crazy and jeopardize your safety, your spouse’s job etc. Is informing the other spouse really worth future child support or worrying a crazy is going to show up at your house or notify your friends/family.

TLDR - just no.

No. It’s not to hurt someone, that’s what the cheaters did. It’s to inform someone so they can take care if their own health and have their own agency and make informed decisions.

Do you typically “inform” someone if you see a coworker cheating or lying?

I think you’ve convinced yourself that it is because of the other man/woman. But it’s not. You are angry, emotional and want to make things right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No because the primary reason you would be doing so would be to hurt someone. You were hurt and want someone else to suffer.

It’s not really possible that you’re doing it to benefit the other spouse. You have likely never met this person and do not actually care about their well-being even if you think you do.

[/b]There’s also the risk to your own family. The other spouse could be crazy and jeopardize your safety, your spouse’s job etc. Is informing the other spouse really worth future child support or worrying a crazy is going to show up at your house or notify your friends/family. [b]

TLDR - just no.

That’s what cheaters risk for their own family. You have no idea what a betrayed spouse or a jilted AP will do. It’s why you don’t cheat and put your family at risk. The Ap did not meet you or care about your well-being either.

In other words, the cheater risked their family’s safety and well-being, so you’re entitled to do the same?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:From another poster on different thread which sums the situation up perfectly:


When your partner cheats on you, you are in an open marriage, without your knowledge or consent. You are potentially exposed to stis and stds, some of which are lifelong, some of which can affect your fertility, some of which can lead to your death.

“People can “dissolve” the marriage without doing those things. It’s called asking for a divorce. It’s called retaining an attorney and filing the divorce paperwork.

The problem is that the cheating partner is not “dissolving” the marriage, they want the stability and benefits of marriage and secret sex at the same time.

Consent is taken away from the partner who is unaware their partner is cheating. They have no ability to make their own decisions about their life. The cheater makes their decisions based on what they want only. “

This is why you tell.

OP is consenting— she’s chosen to stay. Telling means she loses control of the narrative: if she doesn’t want everyone in her life to know her husband was sleeping around, she has to keep the pool of people who know smaller.

If she’s leaving there’s no risk— and in fact benefit— to it being widely known he was adulterous, provided that doesn’t lose him his job when she wants alimony and child support.

OP needs to act in the way that supports her chosen course of action.