Hosting a birthday party dinner at restaurant, but want everyone to go dutch
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Anonymous
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I'm planning a surprise birthday party for my DH. I want to organize a dinner at a restaurant, and then have everyone come back to our house for cake, drinks, desserts, and hanging out.
Anyhow, I am going to send out an evite, but how do I get it across that the dinner at the restaurant is dutch, and we're not paying for everyone's meals? My sister seems to think that the guests will all think that DH and I are paying for their dinners. Personally, I wouldn't assume that from getting an invitation like that and would assume it would be dutch. Is she right? Will they assume that we're paying for them? How would you phrase this on an invitation to make it clear that we will all be going dutch? |
Anonymous
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I think you're running a big risk of offending people or making yourself look rude. You're saying you want to invite people and host--but you want them to pay their portion. That's not hosting or inviting. Even with evolving etiquette and social standards, there are enough people who are going to think this is just wrong. If you're going to go forward, it is better to address this is the evite I guess than have people show up unprepared for it. If you don't know how to say it, then perhaps this isn't something you should do. Have you thought of the logistics--is the restaurant going to allow separate checks for the various subparties you expect? Are you going to pay for it all and then ask for checks? Decide and make that clear. It's doubly insulting first to have people pay for their participation in a dinner you are "hosting" and then have it turn into a logistics nightmare.
Just my opinion but I think you should either pay for everyone or just invite everyone to your house for cake, period. Or host a dinner at home, or a cocktail (appetizers, wine, cake) thing. |
Anonymous
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It's not an invitation if you're not paying. Why don't you just limit the guest list to the number of guests you are willing to pay for?
PS Many people despise these 'invitations.' |
Anonymous
| I agree with the PPs re: it's not an invitation. I think an evite is inappropriate because again, it's not an invitation. You could send an email (or actually call people individually) and say, "A bunch of us are meeting dinner to celebrate _______s birthday on Saturday. Are you interested?" Then, regardless of if they say yes or no to dinner, you can invite them to your home for the after-thing, since that is actually something you are hosting. |
Anonymous
| Maybe I'm a younger generation than everyone here, but we always go Dutch on bday dinners. Usually in lieu of gifts. |
Anonymous
You don't. You're the host. You pay. Anything else is just a social faux pas and rude to boot. Your sister is right, by the way. |
Anonymous
| Agreed. What you're suggesting is completely rude. If you can't afford/aren't willing to pay for the guests at a restaurant, then find something less expensive to do with them that you can pay for. |
Anonymous
Did you have a destination wedding as well? |
Anonymous
| Agree that it is inappropriate to invite people to a birthday celebration for your spouse and expect them to pay. I'd skip the dinner part if it's too expensive. |
Anonymous
| you're not hosting if you're not paying. sorry. |
Anonymous
organizing dinner for a friend is different than organizing for a spouse. |
Anonymous
| Send an e-vite for cake/drinks at your house and for those who are able to, casually/informally ask if they'd like to grab dinner first. Including dinner in the e-vite makes it look like you're paying for dinner and specifying that you wouldn't is crass. |
Anonymous
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I swear there was a nearly identical thread on this situation a few months ago.
Anyway, I agree with your sister, OP. I would expect that you are paying since you ate hosting. I would, however, be prepared to pay in case it turned out that I had assumed wrong. How old are you, OP? I think the under 30 (maybe under 25?) might be expecting to pay their own way if that's how they've typically done things with friends in similar age group. But mostly, I'd err or believing that your "guests" are expecting you to "host" them. |
Anonymous
| I'm 29 and I would assume that if I received an invitation, that meant invitation-as in I'm not paying. Not everyone under 30 is clueless about good manners and etiquette (though I am sure that's not what you meant, PP). |
Anonymous
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Instead of an evite, consider an email that says something like "A bunch of us will be getting together to celebrate Bob's birthday at Wah Mei on Thursday. Let me know if you can join us so I can figure out the reservation."
An evite looks like a party, which as others have said, is your financial responsibility. |