Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would worry that this is a version of the situation you hear about where the wife supports the husband through medical school and internship, then he tosses her aside for a younger version once he has succeeded.

Betty Broderick

[Anonymous]

If they are married it’s her debt too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband paid off his first wife's college undergrad and masters degree debt. Well, he was the main breadwinner, and they used marital assets that he mostly earned to pay them off. If he had not done that, they would have remained in her name, and she would still be in debt and he would have gotten more money from the divorce because those marital assets would be higher.

Basically if they stay married, who cares if "she" pays off the debt. If they get divorced, he gets his debt paid off, and then gets to go off and earn lots of money as a doctor that she does not benefit from. Even if she becomes a SAHM. That's the risk.

Exactly. Remember that the “we’re a team” line that PPs are pushing ends when either party decides to leave. There are no guarantees that she benefits from his income at anytime.

This. Ask me how I know.

Also remember the people that are always screaming “we are a team” are usually bringing a lot less to the relationship.

Plus a lot of social climbing tiger parents post on DCUM whose striver kids have or will have six-figures of student debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

This is a conversation they should have had before the wedding. And not one she should be bringing her parents into.

+1000

Marriages where both spouses are NOT on the same financial page typically do not last. So don't get married until you hash out these issues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

My friend met and married a guy who had just finished his MBA at Stanford University. He took loans and had a lot of student debt. She went to an average public college and had no student debt. She had a good job out of college making 100k at 25. He was going through a difficult time working at a startup. She didn’t want to be soaked into his debt and felt like he would slow her down financially. She divorced him.
That guy met another girl and remarried. His career took. Today he’s the CFO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions.
She was wrong and still regret her choice today.
She failed to see that the Stanford MBA student debt was a massive investment into the future.

Actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.

No sounds like he's the one who dodged a bullet.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

No, SHE should’ve been asking the questions. “This is my debt, these are my finances. What kind of debt do you have?” Then decisions could have been made on How/when to pay this, should marriage be postponed, is it a deal breaker?

And no one person is paying the debt, “they” are. Less money is coming into the household, whether it’s coming out of his check or hers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

He was still helping her pay off her loan by taking on the lion's share of living expenses while her income went to her debt. She still benefiting from his income.

True, but she worked her tail off at a big firm until it was paid off. She also never asked him to straight up pay off her debt. My brother would’ve hated that and knowing him, would’ve walked, because it’s an unreasonable ask. But he had no problem effectively carrying the lion’s share of living expenses during that time, nor does he mind carrying the lion’s share of supporting their family now as she’s the involved parent.

OP hasn't given enough information to know whether or not the husband is working hard to pay it off. The difference is that your SIL went to law school which is only 3 years and then immediately went to work for big law. After medical school he still could have years of training ahead of him especially if he picked a specialty. During that training he could be working like crazy but his earnings are capped and his debt is accruing interest. Once he completes training he should experience a huge salary jump. If they have the income they both may be better off paying off the debt rather than letting it grow. We just don't have the information from OP to know if this is the case. Going to medical school is not an easy feat even if you went to a fancy private school so I can't imagine the husband is inherently lazy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

My friend met and married a guy who had just finished his MBA at Stanford University. He took loans and had a lot of student debt. She went to an average public college and had no student debt. She had a good job out of college making 100k at 25. He was going through a difficult time working at a startup. She didn’t want to be soaked into his debt and felt like he would slow her down financially. She divorced him.
That guy met another girl and remarried. His career took. Today he’s the CFO of a Fortune 500 company making tens of millions.
She was wrong and still regret her choice today.
She failed to see that the Stanford MBA student debt was a massive investment into the future.

Actually sounds like she dodged a bullet.

No sounds like he's the one who dodged a bullet.

Things that never happened for $500 Alex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

Yes, healthy marriages are the result of people discussing key issues BEFORE marriage and continuing into the marriage. Discussing finances, kids, work life balance, dealing with IL/family are all key parts. Finances are one of THE MAJOR reasons people divorce.

I got married straight out of grad school. We had discussed all of these things prior. We both were on same page to work hard/live frugal life to pay off our student loans (I Had $15K, spouse had $80K) and then continue for another year to save downpayment for a house. We knew that I might want to be a SAHP and planned financially for that.
That is what people who want a healthy marriage do. You don't get married and have kids then discuss for first time if you can SAHP. Well you don't do that if you want a successful marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

Bottom line is that your brother paid off the debt indirectly. He used his income to pay for the family’s living expenses while she used her for her personal expenses including her debt.

Your brother could have said. I pay your debt and you use your money for the family’s expenses. The result is the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

No, SHE should’ve been asking the questions. “This is my debt, these are my finances. What kind of debt do you have?” Then decisions could have been made on How/when to pay this, should marriage be postponed, is it a deal breaker?

And no one person is paying the debt, “they” are. Less money is coming into the household, whether it’s coming out of his check or hers.

Now it's the debt free person's fault, not the indebted physician with expensive taste? And we're in la la land where a male doctor would reveal his unmasculine masterplan to pressure his debt free new wife to pay off his loans after they wed. If he asked her parents to marry their daughter, he should've disclosed to them his plan was to get their successful debt free daughter to pay off his loans. All cards on the table, right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

*Correction: predates first introduction

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is he asking her to pay it all in a lump sum, or to help pay it off over the term of the loan? I agree paying in a lump sum is a big ask and probably not smart, but as a couple they should contribute to the payoff over time, and as his income increases he will contribute a lot.

No, she shouldn’t contribute at all. That’s his own debt. This predates the marriage. That’s not her problem.

I honestly don’t get how this would work.If she makes 100K and he makes 50K and uses 10K of it to pay down his debt.… their household is 140K.

If she makes 100K and he makes 50K, and they each pay 5K, their household brings in 140K.

Unless they each have 100% their own accounts, expenses, spending money, etc. And then divide everything in half with the household expenses, kids and everything going forward. But then, they’re saving for a down payment together and the interest rate on bills like their mortgage depends on their joint household income/debt, so it’s all ends up being the same.