DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

What the hell did I do wrong in life? How do some people manage to make a few millions a years and some us are stuck around 170k. And I went to a Top 20 college too..I don't have a law degree or an MBA maybe I shouldn't have studied engineering.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

What the hell did I do wrong in life? How do some people manage to make a few millions a years and some us are stuck around 170k. And I went to a Top 20 college too..I don't have a law degree or an MBA maybe I shouldn't have studied engineering.

Clearly if you married OP you’d be making a few mil a year.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

I'm not jealous, and it is necessary. I know that from decades of experience advocating for women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations where the entire world was pulled out from under them when husband decided to trade younger or sexier or whatever stupid reason he had.

It's ignorant to suggest that a woman in 2024 shouldn't be concerned about knowing the finances of her household and marriage and have at least in the back of her mind a plan in place to take care of herself, and any children who are still minors or subject to education support.

Poster you seem to have the naive view that a woman can assume her husband is good and faithful and always will be. I've seen firsthand hundreds and hundreds of times how a man can go from loving husband to cruel philanderer who wants to strip his children and their mother of as much financial support as he can get away with.

Always be prepared.

How many of these victims were white women with graduate degrees, substantial house hold savings, and didn’t have their first child until they were married and over the age of 30? My guess is very few.

Ha ha!

Wrong.

Are you seriously not aware of the lucrative dissolution practices where lawyers focus full time on high income couples divorcing? The rate may be lower overall, but those folks DO divorce and the type of personalities involved and the amount of money to burn often means years-long high conflict divorces with huge billing to attorneys on all sides.

And yes, plenty of wealthy men control and beat their wives - sorry to burst elitist bubbles.

Yes and imagine how much more fulfilling one’s life would be with a career like THAT versus an adoring spouse who makes millions of dollars!!

Rather than waste you life enjoying your own family you could have the ultimate satisfaction of helping to destroy OTHER families for money!!!

I don't drive high conflict litigation, I advocate for abused women and children. I feel very satisfied with the work I've done over the years because it has substantially bettered people's lives at a time when they were very vulnerable and desperately in need of an ally - a time when their families had been destroyed by a cheating partner, or a partner with a raging substance use disorder, or a partner who had engaged in financial infidelity, and had done so while cruelly emotionally and/or physically abusing his wife and/or kids.

I didn't destroy families - I helped hurt people be safe and somewhat secure after a beast ripped through their lives.

Sure, you “helped” them by dragging on their divorce proceedings for YEARS to keep those huge attorney fees rolling in (your words).

LMAO at you trying to pretend you’re some kind of altruistic do-gooder. Get real.

You’re a moron.

I was an advocate for abused women and children - not a high conflict, high income divorce attorney.

I can be something else and still have the ability to observe what is going on in divorce courts.

Lots of savage divorces at all income levels and yes, because abuse happens at high income levels too, some of the women and children I advocated for came from a high income setting - at least until she woke up one day and found her accounts empty, her credit cards shut off and no way to support herself and her kids without acquiescing to his abusive demands.

You are the one who brought up high conflict divorce attorneys, which was the career path I referenced in the initial reply (that’s why it was bolded). Then you got incredibly defensive, implying that this was YOUR career path - but now you’re saying it’s not what you do, so why did you argue with the initial reply to begin with? Your reply to my reply was a complete non-sequitur, and yet you are calling ME a moron…

So many women on this thread can’t comprehend what they read or even follow along in conversations in which they are one of two or three total participants. If this is the energy and intelligence that you are bringing to your various high-powered careers then it is no wonder that our society continues to deteriorate.

I NEVER said I was a high conflict high income divorce attorney - I said right from the start that I was an advocate for abused women and children in divorce and domestic violence situations.

As for everything else you said - oh to have the confidence of a mediocre man.

Congratulations. You don’t know what the verb “to imply” means, either. Seriously, you are REALLY struggling to keep up in this conversation. It’s kind of sad.

DP but it's high key hilarious that the person who said to a DV advocate "rich white women never experience DV or get hosed in divorce" decided that the DV advocate's response mentioning expensive divorce lawyers was the poster's roundabout way of declaring herself not a DV advocate but rather an expensive divorce lawyer . . . has no idea he's the one not following the thread well.

Incorrect. The initial response to the bolded was that expensive divorce lawyers destroy families, to which the DV advocate defensively responded that SHE doesn’t destroy families, implying that SHE is an expensive divorce lawyer… because otherwise why on Earth would she respond to defend HER career to a post that was not about HER career.

It’s low key not hilarious how illiterate some of you are.

Loud and wrong, and more ridiculous by the post. She literally said twice in the post that she was not a litigator but you can't read and think that makes you intuitive. Stay on brand, dude! Be louder and wronger in the next response.

Again, the ego/confidence of a mediocre man is truly something to behold.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

NP. I seriously don’t understand why people always think it’s jealousy. My DH is a physician and he makes about $600k from his job and consulting on the side. I could easily stay home with the kids but I choose to work. I spent many years of my life getting a PhD in an area I’m passionate about and I enjoy working. I am truly not jealous of wealthy SAHMs. It’s not appealing to me at all.

Right, but OP is making this choice. Stay home or don’t. But complaining about lack of self actualization due to her own choices while living a life of luxury with supportive husband is cringe.

[Anonymous]

You have an amazing husband.

No, I don’t think this generally but if he feels this way, that changes my opinion in this instance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lady you are living the dream. Enjoy every minute and be proud.

100%

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your story is almost exactly my story almost freakily so. I moved from corporate to consulting full time but at my pace which worked for me. Eventually after a few moves for my husbands work I briefly became a SAHM but eventually worked for a non profit doing work I loved but for little pay. My husband also credits me with being a big part of his success. But I do wonder how far I could have gone on my own. However, our three children are now adults, married with children and really succeeding in their own careers and lives. I take enormous pride in that and while my husband was a devoted father I was the primary parent. We have a great marriage and I know my husband could not have achieved his success without me so when he says it I believe it. I’m one of the happiest and luckiest women I know!

I'm so glad that at the end of the day I will be able to say that my husband and I are both equally responsible for how our children turned out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:No, I don't think his success is your success but it sounds like you chose to go the more traditional gender role route.

Personally I am not a fan of SAHP after the kids are in school because I do think both parents should be involved in a life other than raising children but I do get that some women like to be taken care of and just relax at home while their husband works. For those that aren't ambitious and just like luxuries and don't mind being child-like and dependent on others - this is the perfect life.

I would be embarrassed too to go to a reunion because a rich husband to me isn't my goal or what I see as success. To me that isn't the dream.

That’s the problem. I was ambitious. I was career oriented. I used to work 60+ hours per week when I had my first child. Those hours weren’t sustainable. I took a lateral less demanding less paying job when I had my second child but the job was not satisfying. It was just a job to have a job. I kept cutting down and stayed home when we had our third child.

You did the right thing. Being a working mom with a demanding job sucks. I would trade you in a heartbeat.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

Our CFO said the same thing at a board dinner once.

What was the secret to your success. And he said, My wife.

Often that’s true because sometimes the Wife’s father got them the job

No, he came through a competitor headhunter process years ago.
He meant his wife handling everything was so supportive to him and his career he was able to be very focused and successful at this career and job.

I would find it very gross to hear this comment at a business dinner. It feels very 1950s like a woman's role is to stay home and take care of everything so her DH can succeed.

Agreed. The comment was gross. Even more so because he's a CFO. He's not saving our country, curing cancer, etc. Being a successful CFO is fine, I'm a tax attorney so I know a ton of them, but I find it weird to act like having a stay at home wife is what enabled his greatness. He's a glorified CPA, which is a fine job, but come on. It just means his wife stays home so he can spend a ton of time working and making money. Which is pretty pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

What the hell did I do wrong in life? How do some people manage to make a few millions a years and some us are stuck around 170k. And I went to a Top 20 college too..I don't have a law degree or an MBA maybe I shouldn't have studied engineering.

If you marry a DCUM troll, you too can earn millions a year while she stays home!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

NP. I seriously don’t understand why people always think it’s jealousy. My DH is a physician and he makes about $600k from his job and consulting on the side. I could easily stay home with the kids but I choose to work. I spent many years of my life getting a PhD in an area I’m passionate about and I enjoy working. I am truly not jealous of wealthy SAHMs. It’s not appealing to me at all.

Right, but OP is making this choice. Stay home or don’t. But complaining about lack of self actualization due to her own choices while living a life of luxury with supportive husband is cringe.

I think the problem is that OP isn't going to find a ton of people who feel like she does.
(1) There are people who want to work and so they do. They would say to OP, just go get a job again.
(2) There are people who don't want to work and hate that they do. They would say to OP, stop complaining, your life is amazing.
(3) There are people who don't want to work and so they don't. They would say to OP, not working is the best, you're crazy to want anything else.
(4) And there are going to be a few people who don't work but want to and they will understand.

Otherwise, you're just going to get annoyed responses from (1)s, jealous responses from (2)s, and insecure responses from (3)s. OP did get a few (4)s who said they understand, and then the rest of the pages is just idiots being pedantic.

[Anonymous]

I felt the same when my husband wanted me to stay home after our third child. I couldn't see making my life about just 'laundry and groceries". Fast forward 10 years, I was laid off and spent the teen years home w the kids. I didn't mind then bc I felt 'i had my career'.
Are you perhaps mourning your career?
BtW I did not miss the job but missed having 'my money". It's complex.

[Anonymous]

1. If OP had pounded away at her career for 60 hours a week she might instead lament not being an involved parent or something else.

2. The most interesting comment is that OP was worried about her college reunion and what people would think of her lack of a career. Vanity is worrying too much about what others think of you. If you’ve stayed close with your college circle, they understand your choices. If you haven’t stayed close to those people, who cares what they think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just make sure you know where all the money is and how to access the accounts, and that you have access to sufficient funds to pay a very good lawyer up front should you ever are faced with your DH's idea of success has changed to include dumping the old for a new model.

This is so unnecessary, and your jealously is showing.

NP. I seriously don’t understand why people always think it’s jealousy. My DH is a physician and he makes about $600k from his job and consulting on the side. I could easily stay home with the kids but I choose to work. I spent many years of my life getting a PhD in an area I’m passionate about and I enjoy working. I am truly not jealous of wealthy SAHMs. It’s not appealing to me at all.

Right, but OP is making this choice. Stay home or don’t. But complaining about lack of self actualization due to her own choices while living a life of luxury with supportive husband is cringe.

I think the problem is that OP isn't going to find a ton of people who feel like she does.
(1) There are people who want to work and so they do. They would say to OP, just go get a job again.
(2) There are people who don't want to work and hate that they do. They would say to OP, stop complaining, your life is amazing.
(3) There are people who don't want to work and so they don't. They would say to OP, not working is the best, you're crazy to want anything else.
(4) And there are going to be a few people who don't work but want to and they will understand.

Otherwise, you're just going to get annoyed responses from (1)s, jealous responses from (2)s, and insecure responses from (3)s. OP did get a few (4)s who said they understand, and then the rest of the pages is just idiots being pedantic.

That’s not even the point of this thread.

The question is… without OP would her H be less successful? Is she the reason he is successful? Does she get credit for his success.

The obvious answer is no, but some need to feel they are the reason their H is successful for their own ego.

It’s wildly bizarre.

Sure it was a nice little quip her H said but we lie to our spouses all the time… like when I tell my H he’s just as hot as ever.

[Anonymous]

Why is it acceptable for both parents working full time and kids being raised by nanny or daycare workers but if parents divide responsibilities by one holding home front and other income front, people say kids are not getting enough time from breadwinner.