DH says his success is my success

[Anonymous]

https://qz.com/work/1607995/most-men-in-the-top-1-of-us-earners-have-a-spouse-who-stays-home


Same thing happened to us. I was the higher earner early on, then we both were climbing the ladder. Had kids, the travel became too much (mine more so) and I quit. DH's career took off like crazy and now he earns $1m+/yr. He says the same as your DH. He also frequently asks for help on work stuff--help as in running ideas past me, reviewing docs, etc. So I suppose in some ways it's our success?

[Anonymous]

I think a reunion would give you a new perspective. You have a shared history with classmates, yet life has taken you in many directions. Some have careers, some have kids, some own businesses, some are barely getting by, some have health issues and some have passed away. It’s not a competition, it’s a marker of time passing in your life, a time to reconnect with others and have fun reminiscing. No requirement to attend, but you seem to have a skewed view of life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hear that this bothers you, but as a woman in your reverse position (breadwinner, husband scaled way back after kids, etc), your post sounds like bragging. Yes, you have all those house, and unlike me you didn't even need to go out and struggle and work to get much of the material things you have.

+1 give me a break, op, and get over yourself

also maybe read the feminine mystique - it sounds like you could use a consciousness raising group or something like that

[Anonymous]

Most people would not be okay with a man seeing a rich woman as his success while he hangs out at home.

Yes for some - a man is the plan or a woman is the plan and they are happy to not contribute to the expenses of having an adult or having a family but it is also normal and healthy OP to want to have your own successes too, and to want to have financial income and responsibilities - that is part of being an adult.

I am not at all a fan of raising girls to have the goal or dream of meeting a rich man. Clearly many don't think they need education or ambition or careers or anything because his successes will be their successes. They just need a man with money.

And people who say well he gets to grow his career....well he gets to also take on all responsibility for a roof over your heads, food, cars, clothes, vacations, extra curriculars, health / medical costs, insurance, college, pensions, retirement, and ever other expense that comes with life. And he gets to work long hours and miss his kids growing up so you can lunch with the ladies and have the week to yourself. So yes, it is a terrible sacrifice to cancel tennis because you have a sick child but you aren't the only one making sacrifices.

[Anonymous]

I do think dh's success is my success. And the reverse is true too. We support each other, help each other lean in at the correct times.

Don't you feel like the success of your children is also his success even though you're a SAHM and are with them more?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:https://qz.com/work/1607995/most-men-in-the-top-1-of-us-earners-have-a-spouse-who-stays-home


Same thing happened to us. I was the higher earner early on, then we both were climbing the ladder. Had kids, the travel became too much (mine more so) and I quit. DH's career took off like crazy and now he earns $1m+/yr. He says the same as your DH. He also frequently asks for help on work stuff--help as in running ideas past me, reviewing docs, etc. So I suppose in some ways it's our success?

Sure. Just keep telling yourself that. No matter how you look at it, it sets women back. It always will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:no insight to your situation- but every time I see a man at work get a promotion or award I think, "who is supporting him to make it so he can take a 1-month detail at another location/position, work til 9 etc.". "What did his wife give up so that he could shine." Just mildly infuriating.

Just bc the OP has a great life doesn't mean she can't mourn what she gave up; we all have our trade-offs.

sure but also blah blah - poor op gave up so much to have multiple vacation homes

if she wanted to work, she'd work. everyone has a fantasy in their head of how great and accomplished they'd be if only xyz thing hadn't gotten in our way - but usually the only actual thing in our way is ourselves, and some luck. if she's ashamed about only being a rich wife, then she should go to therapy and work that out a little - because seriously i would bet 90 percent of the people in any room, including her fancy reunion, dream of landing an enormous amount of money that frees them from HAVING to be the most accomplished person around.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

.

No. I didn’t go to my law school reunion out of shame for no longer practicing. Even though I’m much happier now and quit when I was well ahead of where most of the people I went to school with will ever be.

[Anonymous]

What strikes me about most of these responses is that people's reaction is always coming from their own reality. Other wealthy SAHMs (who are happy) say I'm happy, OP should be happy too. WOHMs say count your blessings, look how hard I have to work. We're unable to see past our own situations to look down from 1000 feet and see the commonality: the tradeoff of raising children and having professional ambition, a point of tension most men never have to confront, and some don't even see.

Here's another perspective: I'm a SMBC and at the top of my career, can make my own hours now (so much that DD sometimes forgets I have a job outside the home), but I've felt subtle (and sometimes blatant) judgement of other women when I attend events unpartnered. I see their eyes go to my L ring finger, I've been asked questions about an ex that doesn't exist. The curiosity varies from benign to invasive. I never wanted to get married so I don't feel a loss; more of a curiosity at the pressure that I should feel one at all. I love being a parent, I love working and am good at it. And still, in the eyes of many other women, I don't measure up.

So what does it mean to succeed? What makes one excited to attend the college reunion and feel proud of their life? I'm not sure either, as in my case, professional and parenting success often feels insufficient, without a man, real or imagined, existing in the background. Where I've landed is that the pressure many of us feel to hit all the marks is real, even now, in 2024, and boy do those marks vary for all of us. Becoming comfortable with that idea took me a long time, but I'm finally there. OP I hope you get there too.

[Anonymous]

I think it’s sad that you view a college reunion simply as a competition of professional achievements. You don’t have friends you lost touch with that you’d like to spend time with again? It’s more fun to reminisce than network.

[Anonymous]

And still, in the eyes of many other women, I don't measure up.

It is ultimately about this. However, by feeling we are measured up and down , we are measuring others up an down. The only way to end the cycle is to start by not judging others.

[Anonymous]

I'm a man but I absolutely think of all of our success as joint. I'm not SAH, but I do most of the childcare, and that enables my wife to succeed in her job in ways she couldn't without me being there. We both supported each other financially during times of unemployment and schooling, and without that support neither one of us would be where we are today. We both support each other emotionally, and that support is crucial to whatever success, career or personal, we have.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh." We're a unit, we rise and fall as a unit, and there's nothing that's because of one of us but not the other.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man but I absolutely think of all of our success as joint. I'm not SAH, but I do most of the childcare, and that enables my wife to succeed in her job in ways she couldn't without me being there. We both supported each other financially during times of unemployment and schooling, and without that support neither one of us would be where we are today. We both support each other emotionally, and that support is crucial to whatever success, career or personal, we have.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh." We're a unit, we rise and fall as a unit, and there's nothing that's because of one of us but not the other.

lol, okay bud.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DH and I met when we were in grad school. We were both ambitious and had demanding careers when we got married. We earned roughly the same when we had kids and over the years, I mommy tracked, moved to part time consulting and eventually became a SAHM of our three kids. DH’s career has soared and our kids are all thriving doing well in school, happy and social.

I recently didn’t go to my college reunion. It wasn’t a convenient time but more than anything, I think I’m embarrassed that I no longer work. DH is top of his field and earns a few million dollars per year. We live in a beautiful home in a highly desired area, have multiple vacation homes, etc. We live better and have more money than the majority of my old college friends. DH thinks I should be proud of my accomplishments because DH’s success is my success. I’m not sure how I feel about that.

Do you think your spouse and children’s success if your success?

Life is a team sport. But only you can decide if you like your current role on the team or want it to be different. If you're happy, it doesn't matter what others think. If you aren't, you need to make changes while you can.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm a man but I absolutely think of all of our success as joint. I'm not SAH, but I do most of the childcare, and that enables my wife to succeed in her job in ways she couldn't without me being there. We both supported each other financially during times of unemployment and schooling, and without that support neither one of us would be where we are today. We both support each other emotionally, and that support is crucial to whatever success, career or personal, we have.

"For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh’? So they are no longer two but one flesh." We're a unit, we rise and fall as a unit, and there's nothing that's because of one of us but not the other.

I'm a woman and in my experience women are more "what's yours is mine and what's mine is mine". You might feel like her successes are yours (like OP's husband says) but is she as eager to attribute her success to you? That's not my experience when speaking with girl friends.