Daughter married a doctor, he’s pressuring her to pay off his student debt

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:When you’re married, you’re one financial unit. For us, I had $60k in law school loans and one of our first acts as a married couple was to pay it all off from a joint account that had funds from both of us.

Sucks for your spouse. Surprised they married you. You should take care of your own debt.

Buy your own groceries and eat your own food. Even better buy each you own house and live separately.

Thanks for the laugh

[Anonymous]

If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

He was still helping her pay off her loan by taking on the lion's share of living expenses while her income went to her debt. She still benefiting from his income.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

He was still helping her pay off her loan by taking on the lion's share of living expenses while her income went to her debt. She still benefiting from his income.

That’s not the same thing as literally paying off his debt. It sounds like she paid off her debt.

If they keep living off one income (hers), he should be able to pay off his debts with his own income.

She should protect herself and her income while he does this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he’s now a doctor, why can’t he pay his own debt? Under no circumstances should she use her premarital assets to pay his premarital debt. That he would even ask that is a red flag that he’s exploiting her. As they are now married, they can tackle the medical school debt with current joint income including largely his income. My SIL had an insane amount of law school debt, so she worked in big law for 4 years and paid it all off before having kids and moving to a part time role. My default, brother’s income covered more of their living expenses during the period of time she was paying off her loan.

He was still helping her pay off her loan by taking on the lion's share of living expenses while her income went to her debt. She still benefiting from his income.

True, but she worked her tail off at a big firm until it was paid off. She also never asked him to straight up pay off her debt. My brother would’ve hated that and knowing him, would’ve walked, because it’s an unreasonable ask. But he had no problem effectively carrying the lion’s share of living expenses during that time, nor does he mind carrying the lion’s share of supporting their family now as she’s the involved parent.

[Anonymous]

Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage. I paid for my husband's top5 mba by supporting him during that time. I paid of my own debt and I'm still out earning him. Sometimes we pay a lot of. money to be part of a team but I know all this going in.

He has used his fancy degree to invest our money and watch it grow. He should be a financial planner but he does non profit work that he loves. That's fine. I work for industry and it supports our lovely life.

Also, OP doesn't say what type of doctor. Some never pay off their debts but that's rare.

Paying it off is also an equasion. As somebody mentioned upthread. If your debt costs 2% and a moneymarket account pays of 5% then your breaking even with COL. But then, what if you've been investing in the stock market?

The market, over the past 12 years (using PPs numbers from memory) has been paying off 12% annually. So, this poster has done. math and is earning 10% on her money which is great.

SO OP's daughter and husband probably have done the math and he probably wants to pay off some of the debt that's not smart debt but that's what we do when we start a life together.

I really want to know what type of doctor this guy is. And what daughter does.

[Anonymous]

How is he pressuring her exactly?

[Anonymous]

My neighbor was a surgery resident while his wife worked 2 jobs to support their family of 3 kids. He dumped her for a younger woman once he became an attending. Not all these stories have a happy ending. OP is wise to be concerned.

[Anonymous]

IMO this is what a marriage is, so yes, she should. If you want to encourage her to write up a post nup or encourage her to separate out any pre marital assets, then do so.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor was a surgery resident while his wife worked 2 jobs to support their family of 3 kids. He dumped her for a younger woman once he became an attending. Not all these stories have a happy ending. OP is wise to be concerned.

I’ve heard a version of this same story many times. If people refuse to listen, then it’s on them. But OP, as a mom who is saving as much as I can to give my kids a debt-free education, I know Is have the same concerns in your situation and I’d try to talk my daughter into not paying them off. He should get a doctor job that can pay off his doctor debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would worry that this is a version of the situation you hear about where the wife supports the husband through medical school and internship, then he tosses her aside for a younger version once he has succeeded.

Betty Broderick

[Anonymous]

If they are married it’s her debt too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Didn't read the entire thread. Is it possible that OP is doing a lot of assuming here? Or adding emotion where there is none?

For the daughter, this should have been discussed before marriage.

This has been posted fifty times. How was this supposed to be discussed before marriage? Not in some advice column, in real life. "Hey babe, I know you're debt free, but just so we're on the same page, once we get married, make sure you keep rising the corporate ladder because I'm going to need you to pay down my $400,000 (or whatever sum it is) loans I racked up before we met." How romantic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband paid off his first wife's college undergrad and masters degree debt. Well, he was the main breadwinner, and they used marital assets that he mostly earned to pay them off. If he had not done that, they would have remained in her name, and she would still be in debt and he would have gotten more money from the divorce because those marital assets would be higher.

Basically if they stay married, who cares if "she" pays off the debt. If they get divorced, he gets his debt paid off, and then gets to go off and earn lots of money as a doctor that she does not benefit from. Even if she becomes a SAHM. That's the risk.

Exactly. Remember that the “we’re a team” line that PPs are pushing ends when either party decides to leave. There are no guarantees that she benefits from his income at anytime.

This. Ask me how I know.

Also remember the people that are always screaming “we are a team” are usually bringing a lot less to the relationship.

Plus a lot of social climbing tiger parents post on DCUM whose striver kids have or will have six-figures of student debt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is something that should have been discussed before marriage; they are now a financial unit and need to work together -- unless she thinks he is doing this to get his loans paid off and then plans to divorce her. Did they not talk about this before the wedding?

We as a family made very specific choices so she would have zero student debt. I can’t fault her, someone who’s never had student debt, for not gaming out how her future husband would deal with his student debt he racked up before they even met. Student debt is a foreign concept to our daughter. And now she’s feeling uncomfortable that he’s trying to soak her to quickly pay off his ritzy private degrees.

I assume many responses are from people my age. College costs and loans were much more manageable in the 80s and early 90s. Her husband took out a mortgage worth of debt to attend pricy colleges. His debt would be much more manageable had he gone to less expensive public universities as she did. I don’t know how married kids their age are dealing with this, but it feels unfair and almost coercive to anyone in my daughter’s shoes.

This is a conversation they should have had before the wedding. And not one she should be bringing her parents into.

+1000

Marriages where both spouses are NOT on the same financial page typically do not last. So don't get married until you hash out these issues.