Questions for anyone who has lived with an alcoholic

Anonymous
If they quit drinking, did they quit on their own or did they need to get help?

Did they have to hit "rock bottom" before they quit? What was "rock bottom" for them?

Most importantly, if the alcoholic was one of your parents, did you wish they would divorce/leave or are you glad they stayed together despite the alcoholism?

TIA.
Anonymous
Father was an alcoholic who quit when he got cancer, and died shortly thereafter. I wished for years that they had gotten divorced, and was very angry at my mother for staying and allowing us to be raised in that environment.
Anonymous
Mom threatened to divorce dad after I took an overdose of pills in high school. He quit but didn't really do much in the way of AA or other kinds of therapy. It would have been very beneficial for him too. Recovery is about more than just quitting drinking. It was a different time and it's much easier these days for people to take advantage of such supports.

My mom wanted to separate even after he quit but decided against it. In the long run, I'm glad they didn't separate but my dad was successful in quitting. It's impossible to predict how I would have felt about my dad if he had continued to drink. I probably would have preferred that they get divorced if he hadn't quit.

I don't know if any of this is helpful, OP, but here it is.
Anonymous
My dad was an alcoholic and I wish my parents had divorced. It totally F'd up me and my siblings. If you don't have experience with it, you might think that it's just the alcohol. It's not, it's the behavior that goes with being and enabling an alcoholic. The best thing that ever happened to me was my dad dying.

Before we had kids, my DH developed a drinking problem. We nearly separated becaue of it. It had taken me a long time to get away from alcohol abuse and I wasn't willingly going to get sucked back in. My DH went to AA. He was able to stop drinking completely but then he took up some other negative behaviors. That's when he started counseling. Turns out depression, anxiety and ADHD are the root issues for him. He was self-medicating. Until he got those things under control (with medication), he was suseptible to engagin in negative behaviors. I've seen no evidence of those problems in over 15 years.
Anonymous
thanks PPs for sharing your stories, I guess I know the answer already but needed to confirm. If anyone else cares to share I'd really appreciate it. thanks again.
Anonymous
Dad was an alcoholic. Parents did divorce when I was in high school, and I was happy about that. (Mom stuck it out for 20 years.)

Dad quit drinking (somehow) at some point during his 2d marriage. He started drinking again when wife #2 left him after 17 years.

Until the week he died, he drank straight (rot-gut) gin every night. He died believing he did NOT have a drinking problem.
Anonymous
Dad was an alcoholic. Sadly, my mother stuck it out until my brother and I were in college. It would have been much better for her and my brother and I if my parents had divorced long before. I carry a lot of emotional scarring from having to live with an alcoholic. I'm sure a divorce would have not been easy but it would have been better than staying together for sure.

My Dad is still an alcoholic. He has "tried" to quit many times but the reality is that he sees it as just a drinking problem and can't peel away the layers to figure out why he is drinking and what he's trying to cover up. At this point, he's spent 45/65 years drinking heavily (amazing he's still alive, though he's in awful physical and mental health).

Aside from addiction issues, alcoholics often drink because of other issues--depression, escape past abuse, etc. This root cause can have other effects, such as abusiveness and other problems. It's a very, very difficult thing to overcome.
Anonymous
My dad was an alcoholic. I honestly never wished that my parents would divorce -- can't really say why but he was a very gentle/non-threatening drunk. My dad's health was terrible and he went into diabetic shock and a coma a few years back. He was in intensive care for a month and went through a really scary hallucinatory detox. The doctors said that was common with extreme alcoholics. When he left the hospital, they told him if he ever drank again it would kill him. He's been sober since. He's a completely different person now and I'm really proud of him. He had to give up his career (he owned a bar) and redefine his relationship with his friends (who all drink a lot) so I know it can't be easy. He never did go to AA or anything like that.
Anonymous
My dad quit briefly after a cancer diagnosis, but a year later is back to drinking. Growing up I wished my parents would just divorce, and I do think it would have been better for me mentally. However, thanks to 15 years of distance I can now say that I've made my peace with my father and my mom's inability to leave him.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:If they quit drinking, did they quit on their own or did they need to get help?

Did they have to hit "rock bottom" before they quit? What was "rock bottom" for them?

Most importantly, if the alcoholic was one of your parents, did you wish they would divorce/leave or are you glad they stayed together despite the alcoholism?

TIA.

I can't even begin to describe it here. Keep your head up and learn to take care of yourself first. You are not being selfish by doing so.
Remember, it is easier for a strong man to pull down a weak person who is standing on a table, than what it is for the weak person to pull him up.
I eventually hit rock bottom and realized there is nothing I can do to help or to help him stop drinking. It took about half my life to figure that one out.
Anonymous
I know one woman whose father was one. Her mother put up with it all. Then she passed away from cancer before him. That made her very bitter. That it could not have been the other way around.
Life just is never fair
Anonymous
Agree with the posters above that the actual consumption of alcohol may not be the only problem. I had a boyfriend in college who's father was an alcoholic. His father had been on the wagon for over a decade, but that was the most dysfunctional, toxic, household I've ever been exposed to. I never saw his parents address each other. They were strict catholics who would never consider divorce, but I always think of them when I hear that people are "staying together for the children." Divorce is a terrible thing for children (and I have several friends who are great examples of that), but sometimes it is the lesser of two evils.
Anonymous
My dad was an alcoholic, and I wished my parents would divorce from the time I was cognizant, maybe 8 or 9 years old. I hated him for the way he treated my mom and us (the kids). I still have little love for him.
Anonymous
I don't know. I'm sorry, it is hard.

I'm coming at this from the opposite angle of the other pps in that my father is/was an alcohol but my parents were divorced.

I suppose the answer is yes -- and certainly nobody should hang around in misery -- but the sober parent should fight to keep sole custody.

My parents had joint custody. As many pps stated, alcoholism was certainly not his only vice -- he almost certainly has a personality disorder as well -- but he drove drunk with me in the car all.the.time and was just generally a very irresponsible parent. I would not want that adult having 50/50 time with my children, over my dead body. Really.
Anonymous
23:41 again. One definitely can't quit unless they really want it. Unfortunately my father has always been of the mindset that everything bad in his life has happened TO him, including this "horrible disease". I'm not denying the power of addiction, but as you seem to know, for the loved ones it does get rather old seeing them throw themselves into the same pit (to the detriment of everyone else) over and over again, especially if no responsibility is taken.
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