Questions for anyone who has lived with an alcoholic

Anonymous
My mother is an alcoholic. Has been for 20 years. She refused to stop, so we no longer speak. She'll stop the day she dies.
Anonymous
OP here, just wanted to say thanks again for sharing....sigh...I totally agree that in alot of cases, its not just about the alcohol abuse (that is the symptom of a deeper problem) but it ends up being all about the alcohol for everyone involved until that person stops or is out the family life completely. I just hope that something good can come out of such a bad thing.
Anonymous
My sister was/is a drug addict and alcoholic. She ran away from home at 16, got addicted to heroin and has "gotten sober/clean" about six times at very expensuve rehab places. We never know if she is "using" (alcohol or drugs). She has been sober for years and then starts again. It's a very tough addiction to control. Now, in her late 50's, she has serious memory problems, is a chronic lier and probably has other mental health issues. She has tried to commit suicide so in the back of my mind I am always bracing for the possibility of her killing herself.

OP: Have you tried Al-Anon, a 12 program for family members of alcoholics? It just occured to me that I should try it out also. It's all very painful...
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:OP: Have you tried Al-Anon, a 12 program for family members of alcoholics? It just occured to me that I should try it out also. It's all very painful...


I've been looking at their webiste for meeting locations and times but none of the times/locations are convenient for me right now with 2 little kids. and a FT job.
Anonymous
I had wished my parents would divorce but now looking back, I"m glad they didn't b/c one of us surely would have been seriously injured or killed when we were left alone w/ my father, who couldn't handle us sober, much less drunk.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:I had wished my parents would divorce but now looking back, I"m glad they didn't b/c one of us surely would have been seriously injured or killed when we were left alone w/ my father, who couldn't handle us sober, much less drunk.


and this is what I'm afraid of, if we go to court and fight for custody, I don't know how I would prove that he has a problem and can't take care of the kids. (he doesn't have any DUIs or record of drunkeness or violent behavior so it would be my word against his basically) He is a very high functioning alcoholic, and can fool anyone when he wants to. It scares me to death to think about him driving the kids around or being responsible for taking care of them by himself.
Anonymous
If they quit drinking, did they quit on their own or did they need to get help?

Somehow, and I'll never understand how, my father quit drinking all on his own when I was away at college. He's also the kind of personality who quit smoking cold turkey, successfully the 1st time, after smoking 20 years.



Did they have to hit "rock bottom" before they quit? What was "rock bottom" for them?

I HONESTLY don't think so. Dad was more of a good time, party drunk who binge drank but didn't drive around with a fifth of gin in the car for the trip to work.



Most importantly, if the alcoholic was one of your parents, did you wish they would divorce/leave or are you glad they stayed together despite the alcoholism?

NO!!!! but this may be circumstantial. My dad was not sloppy drunk, physically abusive to us or mom, held a teaching job and was paid fine ... I am sure, very certain, that I learned dysfunctional relationship behavior growing up with them (in their basically loveless partnership). I think I can unlearn a lot of that.

However I am just as certain that, had he moved out, I would not have seen him hardly at all and we would have drifted apart therefore. My mom was very controlling and would've kept us away from him with excuses, etc. With him under the same roof, we lived a very decent life and have a close (enough) relationship.
Anonymous
My father was an alcoholic, got sober, fell off the wagon and it killed him. My parents were codependent and needed professional help. My mom and siblings still self medicate when under stress.

I tend to avoid alcohol at all costs because I know how quickly it can become a crutch. I guess the best advice I can offer is to let the person hit rock bottom. Alcoholics don't quit unless they want to and it's more important to keep yourself as healthy as possible.
Anonymous
Dad was an angry, physically abusive alcoholic. Divorced when I was 5 but should have divorced 10 years earlier.

My much-older siblings harbor deep, severe resentment of mother for staying with father for soooooo looooong, enabling and putting up with the abuse. They will never get over it. Has torn our family apart=irreparable damage. Eldest sister is now screwing up HER children. All family interactions are forced/tense/feel artificial/easily lapse into talking about family past (and it was, like, 40 years ago!).

I don't really have same issues because they did divorce when I was young.

i have read that children of abuse have a difficult time developing empathy. This seems true among my siblings.
Anonymous
My wife was one. She raged on with divorce proceedings for 4 years to the delight of lawyers. She taught her ways to our daughter who later joined AA and is recovering. Get help it will never go away by itself. She still drinks and does not get it.
Anonymous
If they quit drinking, did they quit on their own or did they need to get help?

mom quit on her own the first time. it didn't take, she's drinking again.



Did they have to hit "rock bottom" before they quit? What was "rock bottom" for them?

i still don't think she's hit bottom, but what got her to quit before was my brother telling her he was not leaving my niece (then a toddler) with her anymore because she was always drunk.




Most importantly, if the alcoholic was one of your parents, did you wish they would divorce/leave or are you glad they stayed together despite the alcoholism?

I guess I was lucky in that my mom didn't become an alcoholic until we were both grown and out of the house. But she goes out of her way to make my father miserable, and I think she would be happier separated, although he would rather put up with the abuse than live without her.
Anonymous
Father and stepfather both alcoholic, low grade abusive. I've certainly always thought that we would have been better off w/o them, but it's hard to judge the alternative; money would have been a problem.

My brother and I became alcoholics; two sisters probably not. No way to weight nature vs. nurture there, though.

Now many years later (stepfather dead 30 years, no contact with father for 15+), each of the four of us are doing at least pretty well. Even 20 years ago, you wouldn't have called us seriously dysfunctional or anything.

Bottom line: Growing up with an active alcoholic should be avoided if reasonably possible. So should living with a jerk, dry drunk or otherwise.
Anonymous
^^^And contrary to appearances, I generally speak and write very well. ( :
Anonymous
My DD's dad was an alcoholic. I left him because he was bad for me but he was always a great father. He was totally dedicated to DD but I did worry about him driving with her. After the breakup and a couple of DUIs (possibly "rock bottom"), he got completely sober on his own, no help at all. His personality changed so much for the better. He also took some anger management classes which helped him change. But then he died in a car accident while sober. I thought he must have been drinking again since he caused the accident but they tested him and he hadn't had a drop to drink.

Sorry, you are going through this. I know it is so hard.
Anonymous
Anonymous wrote:Father was an alcoholic who quit when he got cancer, and died shortly thereafter. I wished for years that they had gotten divorced, and was very angry at my mother for staying and allowing us to be raised in that environment.[/quote



Exact same experience
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