how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

This is crazy. Can she stay through the end of the year? Was there an incident causing injury? I’m really sorry and can understand why you are upset OP.

She's staying through the end of the year, yes. And no injuries. She just burst into tears into math class yesterday because another classmate was singing under her breath and she couldn't hear the teacher. She corned the girl during recess and asked that she stop singing, girl refused, so she cried again on the playground. Straw that broke the camel's back for the admin. And I agree! She should not be crying in public or telling other students what to do.

Are private schools really this callous?

So they are expelling a 10 year old for being immature?

Why is a classmate singing under her breath on Math class? I couldn't focus either.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

She has tests every other week or so, so yes, there's a lot of studying. Claims she doesn't need to study because she knows all the material, but I don't think so. She asked to learn the piano, but she refuses to practice, and so I routinely get really embarrassing emails from her teacher about her lack of progression.

I really feel bad for DD. You are the problem OP

Because I don't like being accused of letting my child slack off when I spend every evening reminding, asking, begging, bribing, cajoling, and threating, only to be ignored? Sure, ok. I'm the problem.

Who is accusing you? And why are you so thin-skinned that you can't stand up to an "accusation" like this?

Not OP, and there have been some really nasty (mostly deleted) comments on this thread. If OP caught any of them I can't blame her for feeling upset.

I think OP was referring to getting emails from the piano teacher. It puzzles me why a grown person is embarrassed by receiving an email from a piano teacher saying that their child isn't progressing in piano. What exactly is "embarrassing" about this?

+1.

My 9 year old does not practice but wants to keep going to piano class. It's not the end of the world. If the teacher has to stay on the 1 note/ song forever, it is not the end of the world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Dont' phrase it as "has to change schools" but "GETS to change schools" - to one that can better help her with her anxiety-driven outbursts so they're less frequent, and less intense when they happen. I'd tell her a week before school ends so she has time to say goodbye to people.

But this is a lie? Public school isn't going to help her with this.

Public schools have a lot more resources to throw at kids than privates.

+1.

My kid in public school saw the school counselor for similar behavior( to a lesser extent than OP's kid). They gave her noise canceling head phones when she was feeling overwhelmed and distracted by noises made by others. They had meetings with us and created small group counseling at school for other kids who were feeling overwhelmed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

She has them occasionally at home...they're basically crying meltdowns when she can't perform to her expected level immediately, and the meltdowns lead to avoidance. We've told her it's not ok to avoid homework, studying, and practice, and every time she skips one of the three, she gets another fun thing taken away (iPad, Switch, TV time, bike, etc).

I can't believe too neurocytes didn't diagnose her with PDA that's exactly what she sounds like she has. Pathological demand avoidance. And because she's female they're probably missing that she has autistic tendencies as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

She has them occasionally at home...they're basically crying meltdowns when she can't perform to her expected level immediately, and the meltdowns lead to avoidance. We've told her it's not ok to avoid homework, studying, and practice, and every time she skips one of the three, she gets another fun thing taken away (iPad, Switch, TV time, bike, etc).

I can't believe too neurocytes didn't diagnose her with PDA that's exactly what she sounds like she has. Pathological demand avoidance. And because she's female they're probably missing that she has autistic tendencies as well.

Jesus the crying because she can't hear the teacher and trying to control the other student should be such a red flag for you for how out of control her brain feels. I assume they've examined her for auditory processing disorders as well?

[Anonymous]

When I was a para in mainstreamed elementary classes it was sometimes too common to have not one but several kids humming or singing mindlessly, it was literally maddening and the teacher and I sometimes wanted to cry too.

The teacher would try to put a stop to it but often the singers and hummers would start up again without even realizing it.

Funny that the person who is bothered by this is considered more problematic than the ones who are doing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I haven’t been in your situation, but it’s good for all kids to learn how to get over disappointment and learn from their mistakes.

My DD was devastated when her friend group finally kicked her out due to her poor behavior. This was the event that finally caused her to speak with a therapist and learn to be a better friend. It was a painful lesson, but we are all grateful for the change and maturation it brought about.

Good luck to your daughter!

Please don't call a mental illness "a mistake."

Weird that you jump right to “mental illness” when clearly this poster was describing her DD’s lack of effort to regulate her emotional outbursts and gain control of her impulses.
For a vast majority of people, this is a learned behavior that often comes either through maturity or by getting cued by their peers in a way that helps them get it in check.

For a verrrrrry small number of kids, it is a symptom of a bigger issue or underlying mental illness.
But given that the PP describes how going to a therapist after her friend group dropped her helped flip the switch for her daughter to figure out how to self regulate—this doesn’t seem to apply to her.
So maybe stop projecting?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

This is crazy. Can she stay through the end of the year? Was there an incident causing injury? I’m really sorry and can understand why you are upset OP.

She's staying through the end of the year, yes. And no injuries. She just burst into tears into math class yesterday because another classmate was singing under her breath and she couldn't hear the teacher. She corned the girl during recess and asked that she stop singing, girl refused, so she cried again on the playground. Straw that broke the camel's back for the admin. And I agree! She should not be crying in public or telling other students what to do.

Are private schools really this callous?

So they are expelling a 10 year old for being immature?

Why is a classmate singing under her breath on Math class? I couldn't focus either.

Yes.
Privates don’t need to cater to that one kid who thinks the environment should revolve around their preferences—and then who issues tears to manipulate and intimidate others. It’s too much.
And they’re correct.
They have 25 other paying students in class to your 1.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are really blaming your daughter for this. There is also blame for the school--they aren't helping her learn to manage her behavior and appropriate responses. I'm sure your daughter doesn't want to be in tears multiple times a day.

I'd flip the script and realize that this school isn't meeting her needs. She sounds miserable. Time for a new start.

I'm really surprised they kicked a kid out for being bossy and a crybaby. I wonder if there's alot more to the story that OP is not being told.

[Anonymous]

This makes zero sense.

OP says it's not a mental illness or it is.

OP punishes their kid for the very age appropriate, normal resistance to practicing piano. If she doesn't want to practice you either decide not to care or decide to stop because she's just not into it which is ok!

OP says she was kicked out for behavior that sounded pretty innocuous. I attended private school and nobody was kicked out for stuff like this. If the behavior is this bad to warrant the school kicking out the child then there is absolutely an underlying mental illness issue that needs to be addressed.

OP needs parenting classes and the child needs a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are really blaming your daughter for this. There is also blame for the school--they aren't helping her learn to manage her behavior and appropriate responses. I'm sure your daughter doesn't want to be in tears multiple times a day.

I'd flip the script and realize that this school isn't meeting her needs. She sounds miserable. Time for a new start.

I'm really surprised they kicked a kid out for being bossy and a crybaby. I wonder if there's alot more to the story that OP is not being told.

There must be, private schools would not kick a child out for something like this. Behavior that is so extreme to warrant kicking out would absolutely come with some sort of diagnosis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

She has them occasionally at home...they're basically crying meltdowns when she can't perform to her expected level immediately, and the meltdowns lead to avoidance. We've told her it's not ok to avoid homework, studying, and practice, and every time she skips one of the three, she gets another fun thing taken away (iPad, Switch, TV time, bike, etc).

You sound pretty clueless. I am guessing she is your only. I feel bad for her. Give her a break - definitely cut piano for now and set a time for homework and when she is done she is done. No wonder she is stressed.

Terrible advice. Homework needs to be done, not just worked on for 20 minutes.

If the kid is so dysfunctional she’s getting kicked out of school, her emotional equilibrium is a much bigger deal than her grades. At this point, her grades in a regular school are completely irrelevant. All that matters right now is her ability to meet low normal standards for behavior, so that she can avoid going to a therapeutic school.

[Anonymous]

OP, I'm sorry you're going through this. FWIW, we have a friend whose kids were kicked out of private school for similar issues (low impulse control). Her kids are now doing MUCH better (I would say thriving) in their highly rated public district. My friend does put effort in weekly therapy, hiring an executive functioning coach, and closely staying in touch with their stuff at school, but a key thing that helped was COVID and the overall environment reset of a new school. Switching environments helped her kids break out of the "problem kid" identity they had at their old school.

[Anonymous]

Either the school is not sharing the full story or they are suspecting the OP’s daughter is not neurotypical and feel they cannot serve her needs at the school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD10 has very low frustration tolerance. We've had several assessments, but nothing has turned up beyond "mild anxiety" for which she has been in unsuccessful therapy. Unfortunately, her private school is no longer willing to handle her outbursts and has suggested she go public next year.

She will be devastated. And obviously, she'll blame herself. What can we do to make this transition better for her?

This is exactly what needs to happen. Make no attempt to help her keep up with her friends either~If she can that’s great but don’t actively do anything yourself.

She needs to learn some respect for education and the money spent on it. Feed her the school lunch. Let her have the full public school experience. If she begs to go back to private then make her earn it.