how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What on earth?? You would not let your kid be friends IN ELEMENTARY with someone that wasn’t a good fit at private school? The fact that you are saying you would not do this knowing the situation with your own kid makes you sound like a complete jerk.

Setting that aside, the idea that parents at the other school will know why you changed schools sounds ludicrous to me.

I don’t understand why you aren’t trying anxiety meds for this kid. She DOES have a diagnosis. Try something that will potentially help her/

We took both neuropsych reports to two different psychiatrists. Both said meds were not indicated. And yes, of course parents will wonder why a fifth grader suddenly appears in public school. It's not an entrance year. And yes, of course I wouldn't let my well-behaved child (if she was) be friends with a problem child. That's just asking for trouble.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Constantly disciplining an anxious child sounds like a recipe for disaster. In addition to meds, have you tried SPACE therapy?

We don't accommodate her anxiety in the first place, so it doesn't sound like this is what she needs? I'll look into it, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

How would other parents know she'd been kicked out? Also, how does this experience not teach you that some kids who need to leave a school are good kids who deserve friends?

Have you tried medicating for the anxiety? If it's severe enough to be leading to a school placement, then medication and therapy are probably warranted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

How would other parents know she'd been kicked out? Also, how does this experience not teach you that some kids who need to leave a school are good kids who deserve friends?

Have you tried medicating for the anxiety? If it's severe enough to be leading to a school placement, then medication and therapy are probably warranted.

No, two different psychiatrists said meds weren't warranted and refused to prescribe.

They would know she was kicked out because 5th grade (next year) isn't an entrance/outplacement year.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

She is very young. Somethings may not be glaringly obvious until later, especially if she is particularly smart.

We had our 12yo tested due to some executive functioning issues that we were seeing, but nothing came up on the neuropsych except for some anxiety. DD was labeled as gifted because of her high scores on the intelligence tests. But now, a year later, it’s becoming abundantly clear that she likely has ADHD. We haven’t gotten her retested yet because of $$$ but will likely do it before high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again.

And I guess the other question is, how do we help her in a future where she won't any friends? I would never let my child be friends with someone who was kicked out of school, so I am sure the parents in her new public will feel the same.

How would other parents know she'd been kicked out? Also, how does this experience not teach you that some kids who need to leave a school are good kids who deserve friends?

Have you tried medicating for the anxiety? If it's severe enough to be leading to a school placement, then medication and therapy are probably warranted.

No, two different psychiatrists said meds weren't warranted and refused to prescribe.

They would know she was kicked out because 5th grade (next year) isn't an entrance/outplacement year.

I have a 4th grader and a 6th grader at public. I promise they know so little about private school that they would have no idea a kid was coming to public because they were counseled out. Your child simply says "Public was a better fit for me," all kids in her class buy it, and you move on.

Kids at that age are very capable of deciding whether they want to hang out with your child on their own or not. As parents of one tough-to-be-friends-with kid, we try to have pretty frank conversations about how to interact in ways that will be better for retaining friends.

[Anonymous]

I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

[Anonymous]

What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.