how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

Well now we know where she got the melodrama from!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

She has them occasionally at home...they're basically crying meltdowns when she can't perform to her expected level immediately, and the meltdowns lead to avoidance. We've told her it's not ok to avoid homework, studying, and practice, and every time she skips one of the three, she gets another fun thing taken away (iPad, Switch, TV time, bike, etc).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

Well now we know where she got the melodrama from!

What melodrama? She doesn't have anything else to take away - she's already lost it all!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

She has them occasionally at home...they're basically crying meltdowns when she can't perform to her expected level immediately, and the meltdowns lead to avoidance. We've told her it's not ok to avoid homework, studying, and practice, and every time she skips one of the three, she gets another fun thing taken away (iPad, Switch, TV time, bike, etc).

You sound pretty clueless. I am guessing she is your only. I feel bad for her. Give her a break - definitely cut piano for now and set a time for homework and when she is done she is done. No wonder she is stressed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does grounded even mean for someone her age?

What do her outbursts look like? Does she have them at home?

When someone is punished ineffectively and that often, it stops being punishment and becomes their norm. I don’t think what you are doing is working.

She has them occasionally at home...they're basically crying meltdowns when she can't perform to her expected level immediately, and the meltdowns lead to avoidance. We've told her it's not ok to avoid homework, studying, and practice, and every time she skips one of the three, she gets another fun thing taken away (iPad, Switch, TV time, bike, etc).

You sound pretty clueless. I am guessing she is your only. I feel bad for her. Give her a break - definitely cut piano for now and set a time for homework and when she is done she is done. No wonder she is stressed.

Terrible advice. Homework needs to be done, not just worked on for 20 minutes.

[Anonymous]

How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

She has tests every other week or so, so yes, there's a lot of studying. Claims she doesn't need to study because she knows all the material, but I don't think so. She asked to learn the piano, but she refuses to practice, and so I routinely get really embarrassing emails from her teacher about her lack of progression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.

This piano nonsense just reenforces that disciplining incorrectly has been the issue all along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

Well now we know where she got the melodrama from!

Don't take away her books! Think of the transition as a chance to start fresh. If the private school wasn't specific about DD's issues, ask them for specific issues so you can work on them with your DD over the summer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.

This piano nonsense just reenforces that disciplining incorrectly has been the issue all along.

Explain? If she doesn't practice as required, she's punished by losing more and more "fun" things she would rather be doing. That's literally how discipline works.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

This is crazy. Can she stay through the end of the year? Was there an incident causing injury? I’m really sorry and can understand why you are upset OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

Well now we know where she got the melodrama from!

Don't take away her books! Think of the transition as a chance to start fresh. If the private school wasn't specific about DD's issues, ask them for specific issues so you can work on them with your DD over the summer.

She doesn't have anything left to take. She's already lost access to her devices and bike, and until she can show that she can sit down and study and or practice, she's not getting them back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.

This piano nonsense just reenforces that disciplining incorrectly has been the issue all along.

Explain? If she doesn't practice as required, she's punished by losing more and more "fun" things she would rather be doing. That's literally how discipline works.

You cannot be real. Are you trolling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m surprised a private school is having a kid move on because of this and that they waited until now when it’s too late to apply to a different private school. I’m sorry OP, it sounds like either your daughter’s behavior is severe or your private is horrible.

I think I would tell her that she can’t stay due to her behavior and hopefully this will make her amenable to counseling.

We actually hadn't heard anything about her behavior until yesterday despite three parent-teacher conferences where they claimed everything was just fine. Now, apparently, it's a crisis, so I have to take the afternoon off to pack up all her books, because I'm at a loss of what else I can take away from her.

This is crazy. Can she stay through the end of the year? Was there an incident causing injury? I’m really sorry and can understand why you are upset OP.

She's staying through the end of the year, yes. And no injuries. She just burst into tears into math class yesterday because another classmate was singing under her breath and she couldn't hear the teacher. She corned the girl during recess and asked that she stop singing, girl refused, so she cried again on the playground. Straw that broke the camel's back for the admin. And I agree! She should not be crying in public or telling other students what to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.

This piano nonsense just reenforces that disciplining incorrectly has been the issue all along.

Explain? If she doesn't practice as required, she's punished by losing more and more "fun" things she would rather be doing. That's literally how discipline works.

You cannot be real. Are you trolling?

No? How else do you force a child to do unfun things they don't want to do?