Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

If he’s mooching off her, she knows.

[Anonymous]

Is the graduation to celebrate your son’s accomplishment in school or your accomplishment in paying for school? The one being celebrated gets to decide. It’s ok to acknowledge that it sucks, though. You’re human.

[Anonymous]

My 2 cents.

First, I understand OP's feelings. She paid entirely for her son's college and deadbeat Dad did not contribute a penny. She wants him to have as little recognition of the achievement of DS graduating college and he had in paying for the achievement.

That said, OP, I think you need to get a grip on your deep resentment of your son's father. While the father made no commitment to raising your son or helping your son get through college, he is still your son's father. Your son needs to decide whether having his father at his milestone achievement is important for his relationship moving forward. There are many people who attend college graduations who had no financial or other support in helping the young graduate through the college years. Grandparents, extended relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings), former teachers, family friends, personal friends (like a significant other) have all attended many graduations and had no input in helping the graduates either financially or otherwise, but still attend to congratulate the grad and celebrate their achievement. It is pretty well known that many of the people who attend college graduations did not have a financial stake in supporting the person or people that they are congratulating.

Despite your financial and emotional support for your son over the years, you have raised your son and presumable are proud of the young man you have raise, not just for his college acumen, but also for the fine upstanding individual he has become. This is one of those moments where you have raised him and have to let him make his decisions and hope that you have taught him well enough that he will make the decision that is right for him. Part of that may be making sure you are happy with his decision, but ultimately, he is the one that has to decide what is right for him. If inviting his father will help with their tumultuous relationship, then so be it. If inviting his father will cause more trouble than help, then hopefully he will not mention it to his father. But he has to decide what works. This invitation or not, may impact his future relationship with his father and he will have to decide whether the potential help for a longer term relationship is worth it to him. You will not be involved with his future relationship with his father and it is not fair for you to make such a potentially major impact on his future life as an ultimatum.

Since I know you feel strongly about this, if you can find a way to talk to your son gently and calmly, then I would suggest that you tell your son that you would rather his father not be at the graduation ceremony, but will respect his (your son's) decision however he decides. You can voice your objection as a preference and then let your son decide.

[Anonymous]

You decided to have sex with that deadbeat man and have his son. How stupid are you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

Damn, yes. You should not insert your issues in his relationship. Let your son get burned himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

Damn, yes. You should not insert your issues in his relationship. Let your son get burned himself.

OP, I get that this is crap, but at the same time, your son is going to respect - soon or sometime in the future - that you did not step in the way of him figuring out this relationship. My HS/college BFF was devastated to learn that her relationship with her mother felt fairly hollow after her dad died. They had been divorced 20 years when he died - the dad was a famous artist who took up his wife's cousin while married - and was clearly a louche. She slowly realized that her relationship with her mom had some toxic underpinnings based on the dad's misconduct. Then he was dead. Really sucked for her.

[Anonymous]

Let me play out how my scenario worked. I (child) invited the deadbeat dad to the college graduation and when push came to shove, he chickened out and didn’t show up. There’s no good answer here but your son should be prepared for things to not go well if he’s there.

[Anonymous]

This isn’t about you or how much you hate your ex. Absolutely invite him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn’t pretend or draw a blank on this one.

I’d say what I think: he hasn’t lifted a finger for years and years, nor paid a cent, so no, I would not invite him.

Sure it’s up to you but there are better ways at kicking off a father/son reunion than him sitting at graduation like a poseur.

Agree

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t about you or how much you hate your ex. Absolutely invite him.

Why?

Why invite an absent, neglectful parent who did nothing to raise you, fund your life, parent you, or have a relationship with you?

1. Do you think this is the kick off to some amazing adult son/parent relationship? Lol

2. Do you think he’s so proud of you and you want this stranger’s accolades as you continue to achieve life milestones without him? Silly

3. Or might be be trying to appear normal and caring to his new girlfriend? Son makes a good prop.

4. Or is he a mental case who actually tells himself he is a fabulous, involved father who is just so proud and happy for his 22 yo son.

I’m willing to bet it’s Door #4. The delinquent father who hasn’t been around for 20 years actually thinks he’s fantastic and it’s his fatherly right to impose on whatever stuff with his bio son he wishes. Why? Because he’s a dad. And society tells him he deserves it.

A “dad” in label only, he inseminated an egg.

NP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

Damn, yes. You should not insert your issues in his relationship. Let your son get burned himself.

OP, I get that this is crap, but at the same time, your son is going to respect - soon or sometime in the future - that you did not step in the way of him figuring out this relationship. My HS/college BFF was devastated to learn that her relationship with her mother felt fairly hollow after her dad died. They had been divorced 20 years when he died - the dad was a famous artist who took up his wife's cousin while married - and was clearly a louche. She slowly realized that her relationship with her mom had some toxic underpinnings based on the dad's misconduct. Then he was dead. Really sucked for her.

Huh? Sounds like her dad’s a schmuck. Unclear what the mom did but why stay around to watch your ex romance your cousin.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 2 cents.

First, I understand OP's feelings. She paid entirely for her son's college and deadbeat Dad did not contribute a penny. She wants him to have as little recognition of the achievement of DS graduating college and he had in paying for the achievement.

That said, OP, I think you need to get a grip on your deep resentment of your son's father. While the father made no commitment to raising your son or helping your son get through college, he is still your son's father. Your son needs to decide whether having his father at his milestone achievement is important for his relationship moving forward. There are many people who attend college graduations who had no financial or other support in helping the young graduate through the college years. Grandparents, extended relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings), former teachers, family friends, personal friends (like a significant other) have all attended many graduations and had no input in helping the graduates either financially or otherwise, but still attend to congratulate the grad and celebrate their achievement. It is pretty well known that many of the people who attend college graduations did not have a financial stake in supporting the person or people that they are congratulating.

Despite your financial and emotional support for your son over the years, you have raised your son and presumable are proud of the young man you have raise, not just for his college acumen, but also for the fine upstanding individual he has become. This is one of those moments where you have raised him and have to let him make his decisions and hope that you have taught him well enough that he will make the decision that is right for him. Part of that may be making sure you are happy with his decision, but ultimately, he is the one that has to decide what is right for him. If inviting his father will help with their tumultuous relationship, then so be it. If inviting his father will cause more trouble than help, then hopefully he will not mention it to his father. But he has to decide what works. This invitation or not, may impact his future relationship with his father and he will have to decide whether the potential help for a longer term relationship is worth it to him. You will not be involved with his future relationship with his father and it is not fair for you to make such a potentially major impact on his future life as an ultimatum.

Since I know you feel strongly about this, if you can find a way to talk to your son gently and calmly, then I would suggest that you tell your son that you would rather his father not be at the graduation ceremony, but will respect his (your son's) decision however he decides. You can voice your objection as a preference and then let your son decide.

This.

Sounds like the delinquent father has resurfaced after a couple decades, and with a new wife, and wants to show off his abandoned son at the sons graduation.

Hope new wifey is sure to ask how college was funded or how any of the Parents Weekends were to Good Ol Dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 2 cents.

First, I understand OP's feelings. She paid entirely for her son's college and deadbeat Dad did not contribute a penny. She wants him to have as little recognition of the achievement of DS graduating college and he had in paying for the achievement.

That said, OP, I think you need to get a grip on your deep resentment of your son's father. While the father made no commitment to raising your son or helping your son get through college, he is still your son's father. Your son needs to decide whether having his father at his milestone achievement is important for his relationship moving forward. There are many people who attend college graduations who had no financial or other support in helping the young graduate through the college years. Grandparents, extended relatives (aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings), former teachers, family friends, personal friends (like a significant other) have all attended many graduations and had no input in helping the graduates either financially or otherwise, but still attend to congratulate the grad and celebrate their achievement. It is pretty well known that many of the people who attend college graduations did not have a financial stake in supporting the person or people that they are congratulating.

Despite your financial and emotional support for your son over the years, you have raised your son and presumable are proud of the young man you have raise, not just for his college acumen, but also for the fine upstanding individual he has become. This is one of those moments where you have raised him and have to let him make his decisions and hope that you have taught him well enough that he will make the decision that is right for him. Part of that may be making sure you are happy with his decision, but ultimately, he is the one that has to decide what is right for him. If inviting his father will help with their tumultuous relationship, then so be it. If inviting his father will cause more trouble than help, then hopefully he will not mention it to his father. But he has to decide what works. This invitation or not, may impact his future relationship with his father and he will have to decide whether the potential help for a longer term relationship is worth it to him. You will not be involved with his future relationship with his father and it is not fair for you to make such a potentially major impact on his future life as an ultimatum.

Since I know you feel strongly about this, if you can find a way to talk to your son gently and calmly, then I would suggest that you tell your son that you would rather his father not be at the graduation ceremony, but will respect his (your son's) decision however he decides. You can voice your objection as a preference and then let your son decide.

This.

Sounds like the delinquent father has resurfaced after a couple decades, and with a new wife, and wants to show off his abandoned son at the sons graduation.

Hope new wifey is sure to ask how college was funded or how any of the Parents Weekends were to Good Ol Dad.

There is probably far more to this story. Mom has posted here many times and been clear she's not supportive of the relationship and puts up obstacles so she cannot complain he's not involved when she blocks him. Child support is by income. If her income is much higher it may not be ordered or she may have to pay.

How college is funded doesn't matter. Married couples often don't pay for college and if this kid doesn't have a relationship with dad why should dad pay?

[Anonymous]

The deadbeat should NOT get to ruin this moment between the mother and son. The deadbeat should NOT be invited period. This forum is full of trolls and maybe deadbeat losers. Who knows.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This isn’t about you or how much you hate your ex. Absolutely invite him.

Bullshit. You don't invite pieces of shit to celebratory events. He has no right to be there.