I am paralyzingly cheap

[Anonymous]

My DH is like this. He fled the Vietnam conflict as a young child and lived a very frugal childhood with his parents.

I buy his clothes (latest bunch at J Crew - not a store he would ever go in!), and know exactly what he looks good in. I just throw away his holey and stringy clothes when I can't bear to see them on him. He used to make a fuss about it, now he realizes his quality of life is better - it's just that the impetus has to come from me.

Slight hoarding behavior too with stuff in the house.
Now he more or less agrees on the rule that "if you don't have a place for it, you don't bring it home". Otherwise straight in the trash it goes, courtesy me. I have actually had to do this

This sounds terribly controlling on my part, but we are all so much happier now that ground rules have been laid and mostly adhered to. Within that framework, he can hoard salt/ketchup packets from restaurants and save grungy elastic bands to his heart's content!

And we save on the therapist.

[Anonymous]

Oops, meant that I had NEVER had to apply this rule, sorry...

[Anonymous]

DH's European grandparents lived through WWII in an occupied country, and they became incredibly frugal and hoarders because they had lived through such a horrible ordeal. It was painful for us to watch as they aged, never allowing themselves to enjoy themselves or take,care of themselves.

If you have children I beg you for them get help and into therapy. Ask yourself, would you want your child to live like that? Because that is what you are teaching them. Pay the co pay and go!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. He fled the Vietnam conflict as a young child and lived a very frugal childhood with his parents.

I buy his clothes (latest bunch at J Crew - not a store he would ever go in!), and know exactly what he looks good in. I just throw away his holey and stringy clothes when I can't bear to see them on him. He used to make a fuss about it, now he realizes his quality of life is better - it's just that the impetus has to come from me.

Slight hoarding behavior too with stuff in the house.
Now he more or less agrees on the rule that "if you don't have a place for it, you don't bring it home". Otherwise straight in the trash it goes, courtesy me. I have actually had to do this

This sounds terribly controlling on my part, but we are all so much happier now that ground rules have been laid and mostly adhered to. Within that framework, he can hoard salt/ketchup packets from restaurants and save grungy elastic bands to his heart's content!

And we save on the therapist.

Do you buy your husband beautiful dress shirts to wear under his suits? If so, I think I know your DH!

[Anonymous]

I'm cheap too. I VERY rarely by new things but I do like to go to the thrift store. If you haven't been to some of the big ones (Unique, etc) you should check them out. For me it feels equally good to get a good deal on something as it does to not buy something new.
Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Did your mother do the same, OP? My mother rarely spent money on herself and wore old and worn clothing most of the time. She was raised in the depression also, which meant she saved just about everything. Her lack of purchasing ( except for food, which she overbought) kept us from a hoarded house, thankfully. You probably don't think you're worth spending money on. I agree with the pps on seeing a counselor to work out these issues.

[Anonymous]

You dont have to spend money to hoard--my FIL is a hoarder largely of pamphlets he gets from those tourist pamphlet stands in hotels, and newspaper clippings.

OP I second the urges that you seek therapy. This seems like it must be really affecting your life--it must be evident to your coworkers, friends and family that your clothes are worn out and you look like you aren't taking care of yourself (no haircut, etc.)

[Anonymous]

I really hope you don't have a daughter because surely you are teaching her that the woman in the relationship isn't worthy of nice things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You dont have to spend money to hoard--my FIL is a hoarder largely of pamphlets he gets from those tourist pamphlet stands in hotels, and newspaper clippings.

OP I second the urges that you seek therapy. This seems like it must be really affecting your life--it must be evident to your coworkers, friends and family that your clothes are worn out and you look like you aren't taking care of yourself (no haircut, etc.)

That is true. In my mother's case, it kept things from getting out of control. However, lately, she has been accepting items that other people are casting off because they are "well-made." It's sad because she has plenty of money to live comfortably and buy nice things, but she just won't and she likely only has a few more years to live. You don't want to be like my mom, OP. Your DH also deserves to have a decently dressed woman by his side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. He fled the Vietnam conflict as a young child and lived a very frugal childhood with his parents.

I buy his clothes (latest bunch at J Crew - not a store he would ever go in!), and know exactly what he looks good in. I just throw away his holey and stringy clothes when I can't bear to see them on him. He used to make a fuss about it, now he realizes his quality of life is better - it's just that the impetus has to come from me.

Slight hoarding behavior too with stuff in the house.
Now he more or less agrees on the rule that "if you don't have a place for it, you don't bring it home". Otherwise straight in the trash it goes, courtesy me. I have actually had to do this

This sounds terribly controlling on my part, but we are all so much happier now that ground rules have been laid and mostly adhered to. Within that framework, he can hoard salt/ketchup packets from restaurants and save grungy elastic bands to his heart's content!
And we save on the therapist.

This describes my in-laws to the T.

MIL once brought me a plastic bag full of old, used scrunchies. She said, I've been cutting my hair short, but yours is long, so I thought you could use these.

I literally didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. But I'm a wimp, I just took the bag and politely said "Thank you".

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My DH is like this. He fled the Vietnam conflict as a young child and lived a very frugal childhood with his parents.

I buy his clothes (latest bunch at J Crew - not a store he would ever go in!), and know exactly what he looks good in. I just throw away his holey and stringy clothes when I can't bear to see them on him. He used to make a fuss about it, now he realizes his quality of life is better - it's just that the impetus has to come from me.

Slight hoarding behavior too with stuff in the house.
Now he more or less agrees on the rule that "if you don't have a place for it, you don't bring it home". Otherwise straight in the trash it goes, courtesy me. I have actually had to do this

This sounds terribly controlling on my part, but we are all so much happier now that ground rules have been laid and mostly adhered to. Within that framework, he can hoard salt/ketchup packets from restaurants and save grungy elastic bands to his heart's content!
And we save on the therapist.

This describes my in-laws to the T.

MIL once brought me a plastic bag full of old, used scrunchies. She said, I've been cutting my hair short, but yours is long, so I thought you could use these.

I literally didn't know whether to laugh or to cry. But I'm a wimp, I just took the bag and politely said "Thank you".

You did the right thing, PP. It is not wimpy to be gracious.

[Anonymous]

OP, I highly suggest reading All Your Worth[i] by (now Senator) Elizabeth Warren and another author. The book is based on the "Balanced Money Formula", where you look at your household budget and you make sure you have a proper balance between Wants (including haircuts), Needs (housing, etc.) and Savings.

It's great that your DH has created a budget item for you to spend on your self-maintenance. Question is, why aren't you spending it? What are you afraid of? What is the worst thing that would happen if you spent it all?

[Anonymous]

OP, I have trouble spending money on myself too!
For example, I have needed a new winter coat for the past three years. I have an old one I wear, but it is over 20 years old, dated and a little tight. Every year I look for a new coat but can never find anything I like. I will buy a coat, keep it for a week or so and then return it because it just doesn't fit or look right to me.
I look at other people with new coats and wonder how they do it!
My mother was also raised in the depression era and though solidly middle class, often bought clothes from yard sales or hand-me-downs from from friends.
I even justify this in my mind that I am being green and eco-conscious by using the same coat year after year.
Anyway, I don't know the answer, but wanted to commiserate.

[Anonymous]

There is nothing wrong with not spending money. Blowing money doesn't actually tend to make anyone happy. Just enjoy the company of your friends and family. A new haircut or shirt will be shiny for fifteen minutes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is nothing wrong with not spending money. Blowing money doesn't actually tend to make anyone happy. Just enjoy the company of your friends and family. A new haircut or shirt will be shiny for fifteen minutes.

Actually a good haircut can go a long way towards improving a person's self-esteem. I think it's a good investment. Clothes can do the same but you can often get away with spending less (i.e. you don't need a whole new outfit, just a shirt). If OP's self-esteem is suffering (as it must be b/c her DH is embarassed and she's on DCUM talking about it), then she needs to think of some of these purchases as investments in herself that are much, much cheaper than therapy (to paraphrase another PP).