If one of your siblings is very successful...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As a parent reading this, I just cannot fathom valuing one child more than the other. I know in my heart that I will never head down that path. My boys are very different, one easy, one very difficult, but I appreciate them both. I appreciate my difficult boy for his spunk, determination, and independence and I appreciate the diplomacy and positive nature of my "easy" child.

If one is living in a gutter and one in a castle one day, I know I will value each of them for their unique qualities. Reading this stuff is pretty sad.

Would you hope your castle boy helps out his gutter-dwelling brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I am the successful one and my parents absolutely do not acknowledge it because they don't want to hurt my sibling's feelings. So my accomplishments are downplayed to the extreme or they are likened to my sibling's accomplishments as if our successes are of the same caliber. My parents have also spent literally hundreds of thousands of dollars so that my sibling can appear to be on equal footing with me. And I am excluding the cost of education from that amount. I bought a house so my sibling had to have one too. I own my business so my sibling has to own her own business as well.

+1. Same dynamic in my family basically since school days. I aspire to be more objective and fair with my DCs.

[Anonymous]

My parents favor me, SAHM of a child with SN. I had a successful career but gave it up to SAH when my husband got very ill and before we realized DC had SN. Hubby is better now but my child is young and I want to be home and available for him.

My brothers have done very well, very wealthy but their personal lives are not so good. One left his wife and children for his yoga instructor. Another is just not pleasant to be around: He retired at 40 and has his hobby - mainly, being a "tiger" dad. Sigh.

So my parents favor me. Always have maybe b/c I'm the only girl. Money and career has nothing to do with it. I get along with my brothers too and don't envy their money at all. My life is what I chose and I'm happy with it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No. I am the successful one and my parents absolutely do not acknowledge it because they don't want to hurt my sibling's feelings. So my accomplishments are downplayed to the extreme or they are likened to my sibling's accomplishments as if our successes are of the same caliber. My parents have also spent literally hundreds of thousands of dollars so that my sibling can appear to be on equal footing with me. And I am excluding the cost of education from that amount. I bought a house so my sibling had to have one too. I own my business so my sibling has to own her own business as well.

Tell me more...

Does this upset you? If so, why?

And what do you mean "successes are of the same caliber". Like what?

I have some assumptions but I'd like to reserve them until I know more.

[Anonymous]

Yeah ... my brother is a performer in the music biz and all the trappings of that -- glam life in LA, travels the world, lots of money. It's hard for people not be be impressed by that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:in my family, i'm the successful one. while i know my parents are proud of me, they do expend disproportionate resources on my less-successful siblings. So, there's that.

me too

[Anonymous]

In my large family, there is a huge difference between the way that the boys are treated vs. the girls. It has become painfully apparent to me that my father's only expectation of his daughters was for them to get married and have children (much like our mother). Ironically, despite the low expectations and minimal time/resource commitment, the girls in the family are far more educated and successful than the boys. The older we get the more I sense that my father is actually repulsed by his very independent daughters. Sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In my large family, there is a huge difference between the way that the boys are treated vs. the girls. It has become painfully apparent to me that my father's only expectation of his daughters was for them to get married and have children (much like our mother). Ironically, despite the low expectations and minimal time/resource commitment, the girls in the family are far more educated and successful than the boys. The older we get the more I sense that my father is actually repulsed by his very independent daughters. Sad.

That's at play in my large family too. The expectations for girls and boys are very different. In my dad's dreamland, all his daughters would marry rich dudes and becomes SAHMs. Hasn't happened -- except for my SIL, who married my rich brother.

[Anonymous]

I'm the successful one. My parents still favor my brother who didn't have a job until he was almost 40.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yeah ... my brother is a performer in the music biz and all the trappings of that -- glam life in LA, travels the world, lots of money. It's hard for people not be be impressed by that.

What about your parents? Do they treat you differently?

[Anonymous]

Not OP, but I would guess age differences also have an impact on this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but I would guess age differences also have an impact on this.

Interesting. How so -- do you think the "baby of the family" (that's me -- and what I'm still called, at 38!) will always be treated like a baby?

[Anonymous]

Yes, it saddens me too, because we all have something useful to offer the world and our family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yeah ... my brother is a performer in the music biz and all the trappings of that -- glam life in LA, travels the world, lots of money. It's hard for people not be be impressed by that.

What about your parents? Do they treat you differently?

Yes and no. They are really impressed with what he does and how he can get them into places and meet famous people, but really, who wouldn't be?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not OP, but I would guess age differences also have an impact on this.

Interesting. How so -- do you think the "baby of the family" (that's me -- and what I'm still called, at 38!) will always be treated like a baby?

I think that unless one child is famous at 20, the expectations of success will be different with a 29 yr old and a 20 yr old or a 40 yr old and a 30 yr old. It is probably different if the siblings are less far apart in age though -- 35 and 33 or 38 and 40 the time in the working world would be so close that the differences would be less noticeable unless one had a very high paying job and the other did not.