Bored in marriage. Need advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have to say I was surprised most people said I should get out.

You were a kid when you married him and it won't last. The only question is whether this is a nice relationship which you can both look back to with some sadness but also joy, or this is a terrible maybe child producing mistake which leaves you both miserable and depressed.

The longer you stay, the more likely it will be the latter.

Also, are you LMC? What did your family say when you married as a teenager? If they were against it, I'd enlist their support now. They know you well and are a decent data point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would have this problem with anyone you married-- every marriage goes through changes and people expect the passionate "I'm soooo in love" feeling to continue forever. Guess what, that doesn't last. Sometimes the commitment you made has to get you through to the real love that's on the other side. Marriage isn't easy, and since he isn't doing anything wrong, grow up and work it out.

I tend to agree with this. Why do I feel like in 15 years you will be posting on some forum about the one that got away OP?

Look: take some time to think about how you felt about him those first 2 years. If you were passionate and infatuated then, it is probably worth salvaging because like PP said, passion will fade with everyone. Once you get past 3 years or so it's time to work on getting to a deeper love which is HARD.

That said, only you know how you feel and now is the time to get out if you think it's right. It's only going to get harder especially once kids are involved.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You would have this problem with anyone you married-- every marriage goes through changes and people expect the passionate "I'm soooo in love" feeling to continue forever. Guess what, that doesn't last. Sometimes the commitment you made has to get you through to the real love that's on the other side. Marriage isn't easy, and since he isn't doing anything wrong, grow up and work it out.

I don't get the sense that she wants out simply because the passion has faded. I think she made a monumental decision when she wasn't emotionally mature enough to know what she wanted. Their unborn kids deserve two parents who are committed to one another and to raising a family together. Leaving is the adult thing to do under these circumstances.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You would have this problem with anyone you married-- every marriage goes through changes and people expect the passionate "I'm soooo in love" feeling to continue forever. Guess what, that doesn't last. Sometimes the commitment you made has to get you through to the real love that's on the other side. Marriage isn't easy, and since he isn't doing anything wrong, grow up and work it out.

I don't get the sense that she wants out simply because the passion has faded. I think she made a monumental decision when she wasn't emotionally mature enough to know what she wanted. Their unborn kids deserve two parents who are committed to one another and to raising a family together. Leaving is the adult thing to do under these circumstances.

I'm a PP who told her to get out and I agree 1000%. This isn't marriage getting tough. Her marriage actually sounds conflict free. This is someone becoming an adult and realizing they made a decision as a child that they would not make again today and regretting the choice. It's better for she AND the husband if she gets out now and spares them both years of misery and resentment.

[Anonymous]

get out! don't get pregnant!!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Here's some advice: Suck it up, Buttercup.

You were not a "baby" when you married. You were young, perhaps naive, maybe even just outright dumb... but you made your decision. Deal therewith.

You're bored. Boo-hoo. Get a hobby. Make some new friends. Don't expect your marriage to be your sole source of pleasure, enjoyment, stimulation, etc.

You claim you've found a nice guy who treats you well and would allegedly make a good dad. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't fuck it up by expecting one person to be your perfect match in all categories. That will never happen.

As to your schoolgirl crush, don't be an idiot. That's all it is, and all it's likely to ever be. You're a married woman. Act like one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's some advice: Suck it up, Buttercup.

You were not a "baby" when you married. You were young, perhaps naive, maybe even just outright dumb... but you made your decision. Deal therewith.

You're bored. Boo-hoo. Get a hobby. Make some new friends. Don't expect your marriage to be your sole source of pleasure, enjoyment, stimulation, etc.

You claim you've found a nice guy who treats you well and would allegedly make a good dad. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't fuck it up by expecting one person to be your perfect match in all categories. That will never happen.

As to your schoolgirl crush, don't be an idiot. That's all it is, and all it's likely to ever be. You're a married woman. Act like one.

Disagree 100% with this. Your husband deserves someone who loves him, not just someone settling because you have to "live with your mistakes". That's a terrible attitude for a successful marriage. I say go to therapy. Go and be honest. And then take the plunge and leave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's time to move on before you have children. Marriage is a long haul. The differences you share in terms of religion and interests and the low sexual compatibility sound unsatisyfying for the long term.

+1

You have your whole life ahead of you - I got married, and then pregnant, at 35 - had my DD at 36. File for a divorce.

Is he overseas? I can't remember. . . if so, maybe wait till he's on his way home and then move out so you can qualify for a divorce faster based on being separated for 6 or 12 months. But I would feel bad if you told him while he is overseas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Here's some advice: Suck it up, Buttercup.

You were not a "baby" when you married. You were young, perhaps naive, maybe even just outright dumb... but you made your decision. Deal therewith.

You're bored. Boo-hoo. Get a hobby. Make some new friends. Don't expect your marriage to be your sole source of pleasure, enjoyment, stimulation, etc.

You claim you've found a nice guy who treats you well and would allegedly make a good dad. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't fuck it up by expecting one person to be your perfect match in all categories. That will never happen.

As to your schoolgirl crush, don't be an idiot. That's all it is, and all it's likely to ever be. You're a married woman. Act like one.

+1. You made a commitment, took a vow, and now you're bored and met a guy and want to bail?

It doesn't sound like you're exactly giving the relationship, your marriage, everything you've got. In fact, it doesn't sound like you're working at it at all.

Instead of spending your time with guys who want to explore why you chose to get married so young, maybe you could work on some strategies for saving your marriage.

Good grief.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's some advice: Suck it up, Buttercup.

You were not a "baby" when you married. You were young, perhaps naive, maybe even just outright dumb... but you made your decision. Deal therewith.

You're bored. Boo-hoo. Get a hobby. Make some new friends. Don't expect your marriage to be your sole source of pleasure, enjoyment, stimulation, etc.

You claim you've found a nice guy who treats you well and would allegedly make a good dad. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't fuck it up by expecting one person to be your perfect match in all categories. That will never happen.

As to your schoolgirl crush, don't be an idiot. That's all it is, and all it's likely to ever be. You're a married woman. Act like one.

+1. You made a commitment, took a vow, and now you're bored and met a guy and want to bail?

It doesn't sound like you're exactly giving the relationship, your marriage, everything you've got. In fact, it doesn't sound like you're working at it at all.

Instead of spending your time with guys who want to explore why you chose to get married so young, maybe you could work on some strategies for saving your marriage.

Good grief.

Completely disagree with both of you ladies. Marriage is hard over the long haul, and having kids makes it much much harder if you don't have a solid foundation to start with. The fact that you got married essentially as children and are finding that you are fairly incompatible adults doesn't make either of you bad people. If you can mutually agree that this isn't working out, you may even remain friends after a cooling period. Wagering the rest of your (long) remaining life, your happiness and his, and that of the poor kids who may be stuck between parents who really don't want to be in this together on the simple fact that you "made a vow" years ago sounds delusional. There are no kids involved and there is no one who will suffer from both of you going back on that vow. As for friends and relatives, forget them. They're not living your life--you are.

[Anonymous]

try gay marriage, obama did

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Here's some advice: Suck it up, Buttercup.

You were not a "baby" when you married. You were young, perhaps naive, maybe even just outright dumb... but you made your decision. Deal therewith.

You're bored. Boo-hoo. Get a hobby. Make some new friends. Don't expect your marriage to be your sole source of pleasure, enjoyment, stimulation, etc.

You claim you've found a nice guy who treats you well and would allegedly make a good dad. Sounds like a pretty sweet deal to me. Don't fuck it up by expecting one person to be your perfect match in all categories. That will never happen.

As to your schoolgirl crush, don't be an idiot. That's all it is, and all it's likely to ever be. You're a married woman. Act like one.

+1. You made a commitment, took a vow, and now you're bored and met a guy and want to bail?

It doesn't sound like you're exactly giving the relationship, your marriage, everything you've got. In fact, it doesn't sound like you're working at it at all.

Instead of spending your time with guys who want to explore why you chose to get married so young, maybe you could work on some strategies for saving your marriage.

Good grief.

I agree with you guys. Why are people so quick to divorce? Seriously, there is no marriage vow that says, "Until I realize I am bored and met this cute, fun guy when I begin to feel bored or lonely." Who cares that you were young when you married. You made that decision as an adult.

It sounds like you haven't really even talked to your husband about it at all. Every marriage requires that spouses talk about some difficult, uncomfortable stuff. You need to learn how to do that. If it doesn't work out after you have actually TRIED, then think about divorce. If there is no abuse and you married under your own free will, you should always contact a therapist before a lawyer.

I do agree with others who say don't get pregnant. You have plenty of time for that, but you need to learn how to communicate with your partner (about the difficult/uncomfortable stuff!) before then. For example, you can't just tell your husband "I'm bored." You have to actually tell him that you are bored in the relationship. That's the difference between thinking you are communicating and actually communicating.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I wanted to clarify a few things.

I am not just bored (I know, it's the title of the thread. I'm dumb, I shouldnt have written that post in the middle of the night). I have come to the conclusion that my husband and I have absolutely nothing in common. We don't have the same interests, hobbies, friends.. We don't even like the same foods or tv shows. I value education; he doesn't care for it. He wants children within the next 5 years; I want to wait until I'm closer to 30 (and I'm not even sure I want kids, which he has known from the start). He likes to spend money; I like to save money and despise shopping. I swear, we have so little in common, that I don't know how we've made it work so far. I guess when I was younger, I didn't realize that we had nothing in common. I loved him and that's all I knew.

Also, we have talked about our differences before. I mentioned that in an earlier post. It's difficult to talk about because we both realize that the only reason we are together is because of how much we love each other. He mentioned separation once. I'm not sure if he was serious about it, but I'm beginning to think that maybe we should try it. I just dont know how that works. Do we live together? Do we date other people? Do we still talk?

I wouldn't mind therapy, but I just don't know what it could possibly do for us. We get along just fine. We respect each other, and don't have any real issues. We are just incompatible.

Oh, and the guy I mentioned, he's not the reason I feel this way. I've felt like this for about two years. I just try to push those thoughts out of my head, hoping that our love will be enough. But every time that I meet someone like this guy, it happens. It's happened with my professor. I talk to him and while I don't have a crush on him, I end up feeling awful that I cannot have any sort of deep conversation with my husband.

As for my family, they love him to death so they try to stay out of it. The only one that has ever said anything is my mom. When I went to her about this, she said she saw it coming. In fact, she said she was surprised that I would fall for someone that different from me. She didn't say much back then because our relationship was strained. Plus, she loves my husband as her own son.

To the person that said that he'll make a woman happy but it won't be me, thank you. It hurts to hear it, but it's probably because it's most likely true. He's an amazing person that deserves someone that wants the same future as him.

Thanks again for your responses, even the ones calling me an idiot. I think about all the points you've all made, which is why I'm having such a difficult time. I know I made a commitment to him, so that's why I don't take this lightly. I just wonder if we are doomed to an unhappy marriage if we stay together.

[Anonymous]

I really think that it may be a good idea for you to wait to make any sort of decision. I don't think this is a decision that you want to make while your husband is in a war zone (right?) I don't think it's a clear headed decision for a few reasons:

- If you decide that you're going to leave, even if you wait until he's back, this decision will surely have you feeling guilt, and he will feel blind sided if he's home for an hour and you are packing your things..

- It may be possible, that when he comes home, and you're there picking him up from the airport, that the butterflies and feelings of "in love" may just take over, at least for a little while, and after your separation, if this happens, you both should enjoy it.

- You had talked about how you dislike the military lifestyle.. How far away is his ETS or re-up date? If you discuss this, perhaps he would be willing to ETS and not make this a career.. You haven't really said much about this so I don't know if this is something that would help.

- My husband and I are very different in respect to a lot of the things that you've mentioned, it's taken a lot of compromise, but we have found middle ground. We take part in and usually end up enjoying each others hobbies (I am strongly considering getting myself a motorcycle and LOVE fishing now.. and he has taken me to the theatre and concerts, and usually talks about how they were a good time). I think that if you try hard, a good, and enjoyable middle ground can be found.. my husband and I were similar financially to you guys also, one of us spends, one of us saves, we give an allowance at pay day for spending money and we save some.


Let me close by saying, that there was a time when I could have written this exact post, almost word for word, it's uncanny actually how similar my situation was to what you're dealing with right now, from the fact that we married at 19 to military and separations etc.. But we've now been married for seven years and we are so happy and doing wonderful. I'm not saying this is your outcome, but more, I think proof that sometimes, love can be enough... Enough to get you started at least.

[Anonymous]

I truly cannot believe the number of PPs who think marriage is some sort of endurance test you have to finish just because you started it.

I married my best friend. We do everything together, and still miss each other when we're apart. I cannot imagine sharing my life with someone when we don't share anything but a house. Why would you tell someone "you made your bed, now lie in it" when they both still have time to find someone they can enjoy spending their lives with?

Are your marriages that empty?