Bored in marriage. Need advice?

[Anonymous]

I'm going to start off by saying that I know I'm going to sound like an awful person, but I have nobody to turn to, so that is why I am posting on here. 

My husband and I are in our early twenties. We have been married almost five years. We met in our teens, and married a year later. The difference between our situation and most people's is that the biggest reason we got married was because he joined the military. We loved each other and didn't want to be apart, so the best solution was to get married. We live in a state away from all our family and friends, which is a little lonely, but we've dealt with it. 

I love him very much and he is a wonderful person. He takes care of me, he treats me well, and he's the nicest, sweetest person I know. But here's the problem, I don't know that I am in love with him anymore. I certainly love him very much and care about him a lot, but I am just not happy anymore. I've changed a lot in the past couple of years, and we have been drifting apart. When we first started dating, we had our differences. Now, I don't think we have anything in common except that we love each other. We have no common interests or hobbies. I'm much more interested in science and math, and am no longer religious. He has no interest in anything I ever have to say, and I have no interest in his sports. When we talk (he's currently away), we don't have anything to talk about. I am often bored, even when he is here because we don't even like the same movies. He's a sweet guy, but he's just nothing me. I like to talk about different things from him, and I can never go to him because he has no idea what I'm talking about. We've talked about these issues before, and he has mentioned that he's afraid we won't last because we just have nothing in common. He also is ready to buy a house and start having kids. I want to travel and continue my education. 

I feel awful because I meet people at school that are similar to me, and I feel the urge to pursue them. I dream of what it would be like to have someone, even just a friend, I could share my interests and ideas with. I recently met a guy in one of my classes who really opened my eyes. He was so intelligent and so... different. I can't even explain it. We talked for hours and he asked me why I'd married so young. I told him I loved my husband, but idk, that is starting to sound like not a good enough reason anymore. 

I've thought about a separation or divorce, before we have a slip up and I get pregnant, but I'm afraid to go through with it because I love him. I also don't want to hurt him. The sad part is that I'm do used to him being gone that I don't know if not being with him anymore would affect me much. I don't find myself missing him much, and instead, I want to do things on my own. I want to apply to a school without worrying how it's going to work with his military lifestyle. I want to travel, and I want to be able to have male friends. I can't do any of those things (plus many more) because I'm married. 

I feel so alone because I can't even talk to him about things that I'm passionate about. He has no knowledge or interest in any of the topics I could talk about for hours. Also, I thought about therapy but I just don't know what that would fix. We are two very different people, and I think the only thing that could fix this is if one of us changed who we are. And I just don't see that happening.

So, I'd like some advice. I'm not an extremely sexual person, which has caused problems between us as well. So now that I feel like I'm not as interested in the relationship, I'm afraid that when he come back, it'll be blatantly obvious. Idk what to do. I love him and I know he's a wonderful person and would make a great father, but I'm just not ready for that. 

Thnks in advance.

[Anonymous]

I think that it's time to move on before you have children. Marriage is a long haul. The differences you share in terms of religion and interests and the low sexual compatibility sound unsatisyfying for the long term.

[Anonymous]

You said he's away right now, and I'm guessing he's probably been away off and on a lot during your marriage. Part of me can't help but wonder if the fact that you're lonely might be affecting your thoughts on this.

I say this as someone who's been EXACTLY where you are, but post military, we are extremely happy and great together. I would actually vote that you wait a while.. Let him be home for a while and see if you're still feeling the same way.

[Anonymous]

This sounds like breaking up with a high school sweetheart, except you got married. You need to get out before buying a house and getting kids involved. There are so many unhappy people out there that wish they followed this advice and are miserable. Don't be one of them. Make a clean break now while you can.

[Anonymous]

OP, several times in the note you say you love him, and then you don't love him. Which is it? As far as education, if you have an interest, you need to fully pursue it. You both got married soooo young. You are both STILL very young. You brought up several issues. Marriage is tough, even w/o kids. Kids will make things that much harder. You may want to address these things before kids complicate matters. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

I was you 20 years ago, OP. Met a guy my second month in college, and we got engaged the following summer. I went through all of college engaged to a guy who was working in a town 40 miles away.

In that time, I grew to know myself better, while he basically stayed the same. By the time my senior year arrive, I knew I didn't want to spend my life with him. I loved him, but it was far kinder to break up than to go through with a marriage just to avoid hurting his feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think that it's time to move on before you have children. Marriage is a long haul. The differences you share in terms of religion and interests and the low sexual compatibility sound unsatisyfying for the long term.

+1

This is why most marriages between teenagers end. Have the maturity to end the relationship now, rather than waste your 20s/30s in a dead end relationship.

[Anonymous]

You're not an awful person.

I would suggest to try therapy, just so you don't end things with out trying. Have you discussed your feelings with your husband at all?

Whatever you do, make sure you don't get pregnant!

[Anonymous]

This is a time in your life when you should be having a lot of relationships, or at least several. It teaches you that just because you love someone, you are not necessarily compatible with that person. That loving someone is not enough to be in a long-term relationship. It takes much more...values similarity, companionability, respect, similar drives, similar interests, the same level of education.

I think it's time for you to move on in your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You said he's away right now, and I'm guessing he's probably been away off and on a lot during your marriage. Part of me can't help but wonder if the fact that you're lonely might be affecting your thoughts on this.

I say this as someone who's been EXACTLY where you are, but post military, we are extremely happy and great together. I would actually vote that you wait a while.. Let him be home for a while and see if you're still feeling the same way.

He's has been away on and off. But so have I. I go visit my family, and have no problem being away from him for months at a time. As for right now with him being gone, I suppose I get a little lonely sometimes, but for the most part I enjoy being alone. He will be gone for a couple more months, and I won't do anything until we figure something out when he comes back. I would never just leave him during a deployment. That's why I feel horrible. I feel like I'm being selfish because he needs my support. He's done so much for me, and I kind of feel like I need to be there for him like he's done for me.

To the person that said that I contradicted myself, I do love him very much, as a person. I recognize what an amazing guy he is, and I appreciate him. My issue is that I don't feel like I'm IN LOVE with him anymore. I don't have passion for our relationship, and I'm almost dreading his home coming. Another reason I feel awful.

I guess I just wonder if a relationship like ours can make it, and if it is worth it. Can love be enough? Because right now, I am not sure that it is. Btw, we have talked about our fear of not making it due to our differences. But we both end up in tears.

I'm also afraid of how his family and our friends will judge me. He's such a sweetheart, and I feel bad leaving him alone since he's in the military and will be alone, away from his family and friends. But then I think of living this military lifestyle for another few years, ugh.

I just don't want to hurt him, and I feel like I'm being selfish.

Thanks everyone for your responses. I have to say I was surprised most people said I should get out.

[Anonymous]

I'd also like to add that I never wanted to be married. Since I was a kid, I knew marriage and kids weren't for me. Not much has changed. I try to convince myself that it would be good for me because I don't want to be old and alone.

But then I talk to someone like my classmate. He's so intelligent, he likes to travel (my husband has little interest in traveling), has aspirations, is voluntarily going to college (my husband only started taking classes because I pressure him to do it), and just from talking to him for a little bit, I realized how much we have in common. I've developed a crush on him and can't wait until the next semester because we are supposed to be taking a class together. This guy reminds me that there are people out there that I could have an amazing time with.

Gah, I'm so confused.

[Anonymous]

Divorce, OP. You will never be happy in this marriage. You want different things, and seem to not be "proud" of your husband. (You mention having to push him to take classes, which I assume he did for you.) I broke up with my high school boyfriend a year or so into college because of stuff like this. He was great and never treated me badly- but I knew he didn't want the same things I did, and I knew if I went through college only to marry him at 25, never having been in another relationship, I'd regret it. You HAVE to be in other relationships- the good ones and the bad ones all teach you lessons in how to be a better partner, and to know what you really want and don't want. You have no concept of this because you married your first real boyfriend. It will hurt him. Get the idea that you don't want to hurt him out of your head, because it will hurt him like hell. But you will end up, both of you, miserable if you remain in a marriage where you are unhappy like this. He will know it, and it will destroy him to know that even though he's perfect on paper, it's not enough for you and never will be. You deserve to be happy, and he sounds like he would definitely make some woman very happy- but it's not you OP. And it's not ever going to be.

[Anonymous]

OP, will you email me at theskyflashedblue (at) yahoo.com?

I have insight into a similar situation but I don't want to discuss it on an open message board.

[Anonymous]

I dated a guy I met when I was 20 for 9 years. We lived together but never married because I just couldn't pull the trigger (always felt like something was missing). When I hit 29, I bailed. It was the hardest thing I've ever done because he was my friend and I didn't want to hurt him. But, I met my current husband a year later and we've been together for 6 years. I have never once doubted this relationship, and we now have a son together (though with guy #1, I never thought I wanted kids) .

If you're sure you don't want to be married, and since you don't have kids, I wouldn't bother with counseling. It will only prolong the agony for you both. And try not to feel too bad--you were so young! Now that you know better, do better.

[Anonymous]

You would have this problem with anyone you married-- every marriage goes through changes and people expect the passionate "I'm soooo in love" feeling to continue forever. Guess what, that doesn't last. Sometimes the commitment you made has to get you through to the real love that's on the other side. Marriage isn't easy, and since he isn't doing anything wrong, grow up and work it out.