Vent

[Anonymous]

I am Venting...


My husband and his wife (we have been divorced for 10 years, they have been married for 5 and have 2 dc, 3DD and 5DS) are "downsizing" from a 5 bedroom house to a 3/4 bedroom house closer in. I am just frustrated because the 4th bedroom - where my 3 DC (12 DD, 14DS, 15DS) will all have to share a bedroom that is in the basement of this new house. It has its own bathroom which is a plus but DAMN FOR SOME REASON THIS MAKES ME ANGRY. Especially for my 12 DD... she shouldnt have to spend 2x a week and every other weekend sharing a room with her brothers. Does this seem unfair to anyone else? I feel like my kids are being treated like 2nd class citizens in what should be considered their own home. His says he does not want the older kids in the same room as the younger kids because of noise/bedtime issues. Am I being unreasonable in that I think his 3 and 5 yo should share a room so my DD can have her own space?

[Anonymous]

Can your daughter be given a private space in the basement that is separate from a bedroom the two boys would share?

This would make me angry. If all five kids lived there full time, I assume the 3 and 5 year olds would share a room. I would say his decision is based on your joint children being there less than full time so, yes, in a way they are being treated like second class citizens.

[Anonymous]

I would be vexed as well. The kids are getting older - they may choose to not spend the weekends with him if this is the set up. Does he want that? How is the room in the basement set up? Is there some privacy at all for your DD?

[Anonymous]

How do your kids feel? I would think theirs would be the most important opinions here.
Also, this sounds more like a turf war than an actual problem. Life is too short, don't get so angry over something so minor.

[Anonymous]

Why are you calling him your husband if you have been divorced for 10 years and he's remarried?

[Anonymous]

It is inappropriate and your children have to know that they are being treated as second class citizens. I would ask what they think and try to get visitation changed to no overnights.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why are you calling him your husband if you have been divorced for 10 years and he's remarried?

Do you always have this much trouble focusing on the main topic in a paragraph? Bet that made taking your SATs hard, hunh?

[Anonymous]

I get your point, but the other options are to put a 5 YO DS in the basement (probably young for that) or put your 12 YO daughter in with a 3 YO if they can both fit in the third bedroom.

Could the basement be partitioned to create a separate bedroom for DD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get your point, but the other options are to put a 5 YO DS in the basement (probably young for that) or put your 12 YO daughter in with a 3 YO if they can both fit in the third bedroom.

Could the basement be partitioned to create a separate bedroom for DD?

I would be mad and then I would focus on making it as good as possible for DD. IKEA has great curtains with ceiling groves you can use to make separate spaces, if she wanted a bed walled off in the basement, not in her brothers' room.

[Anonymous]

OP,

I'm divorced, and I would be FURIOUS. You're doing shared custody at 50-50 and they are not providing two bedrooms for the older children, your children? It is inappropriate for two teenage brothers to share with their sister. Plus they need space, and quiet, to do their homework. What's the basement like? Separate rooms? Partition?

What are the children saying? Maybe it's time to modify the schedule? Would your ex be interested in 4/3, at least shave off a few nights a month?

I tell you these children from first marriages can get screwed. I do not recognize the cheapskate my son's father has become towards our son but his new family lives rather well, thank you very much.

[Anonymous]

If the kids are there two days a week and every other weekend, this is not an an insignificant amount of time. Maybe you could suggest that on the nights that your kids are at their house, the three and five year olds share a room and your 12 year old stays in the other room upstairs. Frankly, the little ones will love the arrangement for the next few years as little ones always like to bunk together. Teenagers need more privacy. It would be possible to decorate a room that would be appropriate for both a three and a twelve year old to share, especially if they are not using it at the same time.

It sounds like the real issue is how to bring up the topic with your ex and his wife. I wouldn't lead with the second-class citizen argument because it will just antagonize the situation. Lead with the argument that the older kids are developmentally at stages where sharing a room with a sibling of the opposite sex makes them uncomfortable. They will remember being teenagers and hopefully comply.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP,

I'm divorced, and I would be FURIOUS. You're doing shared custody at 50-50 and they are not providing two bedrooms for the older children, your children? It is inappropriate for two teenage brothers to share with their sister. Plus they need space, and quiet, to do their homework. What's the basement like? Separate rooms? Partition?

What are the children saying? Maybe it's time to modify the schedule? Would your ex be interested in 4/3, at least shave off a few nights a month?

I tell you these children from first marriages can get screwed. I do not recognize the cheapskate my son's father has become towards our son but his new family lives rather well, thank you very much.

Same here!

[Anonymous]

17:20 Actually I would not say it makes the children feel uncomfortable because he could ask them and they could say it's fine. I'd say it's developmentally inappropriate, I'd also express concern about homework space and quiet.

[Anonymous]

I agree, the 12 yo dd should share with the 3 yo dd. If this doesn't work, then the 3 yo's bed should be moved into the master bedroom, or your ex and his wife should take the smallest bedroom and give the more spacious master to one of the sets of children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:17:20 Actually I would not say it makes the children feel uncomfortable because he could ask them and they could say it's fine. I'd say it's developmentally inappropriate, I'd also express concern about homework space and quiet.

NP here- I think 17:20 has great advice- I would try this tack.