Should I be mad about this

[Anonymous]

Yeah, (OP here), my SIL is kinda.... psycho. I can't really talk to her or, heaven forbid, say anything directly to her child. And neither she nor her husband are MY sibling.

Because of relationship with SIL, usually our kids are only together with Grandma. So I guess I will have to talk to MIL about it.

As an aside, example about SIL: One time I was talking to MIL about an outing she was planning with the kids. I expressed my concerns about something - something scary. I won't use the actual example here but let's pretend it was something like, "please watch out for good hygiene because you know swine flu is going around and a child died from that recently". (This is NOT what the discussion was about but it gives you an idea of the tone).

My ten year old neice overheard me (I was not talking to her nor was I aware she was listening to the adults) and like a month later, at a mutual friend's home during a birthday party, SIL cornered me and FREAKED out on me - I had terrified her daughter, I was "usurping" her parenting authority, her daughter was sure she was going to DIE now - SIL even told mutual friends that I "told" her kid that she'd get sick and die if she did x, y and z. So, suffice to say, I don't feel comfortable talking to my neice or her mother directly. Dad is overseas at the moment.

Most people think I'm pretty good with kids, nice to them, etc. So it's pretty outrageous that SIL would imply I intentionally hurt her child somehow. Wouldn't a normal person pick up the phone and say, "hey, my kid overheard you say blah blah blah - could you please be careful around her because when she hears things like that she gets really frightened. And I know you wouldn't want to be responsible for scaring little Suzie....."

Ah family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a 9 year old and he has a lot of friends over here all the time. Kids as early as preschool get really upset if you mess up a pice of their artwork or project or paper or worksheet. By first grade for SURE they know not to put marks on someone else's paper at school. I cannot even imagine on of my son's 8 or 9 year old friends taking a marking stamp and marking up my children's report cards, art projects, etc. I think it shows real immaturity on behalf of the 10 year old, or at least a serious lack of knowledge of social rules. "Don't mark up other people's stuff" -- to me it's the same thing as writing on the walls.

This is SO true. My Pre-Ker knows not to draw on someone else's work!

Do you suppose the 10 y.o. is jealous that the aunt has all of her DC's artwork and report cards up and her own parents don't with her work? Or maybe she is struggling in school and jealous that the aunt is happy with her children's work?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
As an aside, example about SIL: One time I was talking to MIL about an outing she was planning with the kids. I expressed my concerns about something - something scary. I won't use the actual example here but let's pretend it was something like, "please watch out for good hygiene because you know swine flu is going around and a child died from that recently". (This is NOT what the discussion was about but it gives you an idea of the tone).

My ten year old neice overheard me (I was not talking to her nor was I aware she was listening to the adults) and like a month later, at a mutual friend's home during a birthday party, SIL cornered me and FREAKED out on me - I had terrified her daughter, I was "usurping" her parenting authority, her daughter was sure she was going to DIE now - SIL even told mutual friends that I "told" her kid that she'd get sick and die if she did x, y and z.

OP, I mostly agree with you about your niece's behavior. Kids that age should know to respect other people's belongings. But this example isn't helping your case. It makes you come across as outwardly concerned about safety but also extremely insensitive to the feelings of children around you--or at least clueless about the fact that kids will listen to what you're saying, always. (Reminds me of the time another mom confided that she was pregnant but that her older child--sitting right there!--didn't know yet. Did she really think kids are so clueless?)

If my DD overhead you saying this (and she does hear almost everything adults say, though they think kids don't listen), she'd be freaked out. Same as if you said, "be careful at the crosswalk, because a child recently was hit by a car at that intersection," or "please cut up the hotdogs, because kids often choke on them."

Two more thoughts:

Your niece may have some sorts of issues, whether bad parenting or something psychological. Either way, you don't have much control of her. I'd tell her and her parents that I was upset with her behavior, and then in the future I'd have someone watching her more carefully.

It sounds like grandma may not be up to the task of babysitting all the kids. Cut her a break, hire a sitter, and let grandma enjoy her time with the grandchildren without having to be their babysitter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
As an aside, example about SIL: One time I was talking to MIL about an outing she was planning with the kids. I expressed my concerns about something - something scary. I won't use the actual example here but let's pretend it was something like, "please watch out for good hygiene because you know swine flu is going around and a child died from that recently". (This is NOT what the discussion was about but it gives you an idea of the tone).

My ten year old neice overheard me (I was not talking to her nor was I aware she was listening to the adults) and like a month later, at a mutual friend's home during a birthday party, SIL cornered me and FREAKED out on me - I had terrified her daughter, I was "usurping" her parenting authority, her daughter was sure she was going to DIE now - SIL even told mutual friends that I "told" her kid that she'd get sick and die if she did x, y and z.

OP, I mostly agree with you about your niece's behavior. Kids that age should know to respect other people's belongings. But this example isn't helping your case. It makes you come across as outwardly concerned about safety but also extremely insensitive to the feelings of children around you--or at least clueless about the fact that kids will listen to what you're saying, always. (Reminds me of the time another mom confided that she was pregnant but that her older child--sitting right there!--didn't know yet. Did she really think kids are so clueless?)

If my DD overhead you saying this (and she does hear almost everything adults say, though they think kids don't listen), she'd be freaked out. Same as if you said, "be careful at the crosswalk, because a child recently was hit by a car at that intersection," or "please cut up the hotdogs, because kids often choke on them."

Two more thoughts:

Your niece may have some sorts of issues, whether bad parenting or something psychological. Either way, you don't have much control of her. I'd tell her and her parents that I was upset with her behavior, and then in the future I'd have someone watching her more carefully.

It sounds like grandma may not be up to the task of babysitting all the kids. Cut her a break, hire a sitter, and let grandma enjoy her time with the grandchildren without having to be their babysitter.

I don't disagree with you. It was a useful reminder to be careful about what I say around my niece, and others. But the SIL's way of handling it was totally over the top.

Which is why, back to the original post, I can't approach her directly about this. You never know with her what kind of reaction you are going to get.

[Anonymous]

I agree that your neice's behavior was annoying and you have every reason to be irate, but try to have a sense of humor about it.
When I was a kid my mother got a set of antique mahogany chairs that perfectly matched a dining room table that she bought at a flea market. For some reason, my brother thought it would be a good idea to put a Star Wars action figure sticker on the seat of each chair. Well, when my mother saw that I thought that she was literally going to explode she was so mad. Her nostrils flared, she turned red and let out a string of expletives the likes of which I've not heard since. She started to rip a sticker off, but it wouldn't come off all the way and left a sticky glue mark. She went to the second chair and tried a little more gently to coax it off, but again, it it ripped and left a mark. She tried everything she could think of, but when she tried to get the glue off it damaged the finish. In the end, she decided to leave the stickers right where they were and cover them with chair pads contructed out of a beautiful toile fabric, as if that at been her plan all along. I now own those chairs and four of them still have the stickers right where my brother put them 30 years ago - Boba Fett, Darth Vader, Chewbacca and Hans Solo. As a child my brother was somewhat of a handful and certainly knew better than to do what he did, but he's now a well-adjusted, professional adult with two kids of his own, and all us, my mother included, get a huge kick out of the chairs and have vowed to pass them on through the generations. They're our version of a time capsule and a reminder that even seemingly incorrigible kids can turn out to be just fine.
So, someday when you're going through those mementos with your family, seeing that little peace sign might bring a smile to your face.
Or not.

[Anonymous]

I like the PPs Star Wars episode. But OP: the next time you are with both your SIL and niece, I would tell both of them, so your SIL hears you, that you did not like what your niece did and that the next time she comes over to your house, to not change or move your things. Then there is no issue. I don't think you can put it on your MIL who probably won't confront either niece of SIL from what you write. You could also decline to host her at your house or be home when she comes over.

It sounds as if the kid does need some TLC, but she also needs to know boundaries at your house. The next time, she may be in your bedroom deciding to pick out a piece of jewelry. There is nothing wrong saying you have rules at your house.

[Anonymous]

Have you tried talking to your niece and asking her why she did it? There are a lot of theories here about her being angry, purposely naughty, just plain rude, or seeking attention but possibly she was putting a stamp on the items b/c she thought they were special, a good job and deserved a stamp as a reward. I'm not trying to sound naive, just wondering what she would say when calmly asked about it. I have a ten year old and often am a pretty good judge of what she is thinking, but she can blow me away with her thoughts/reasons for things at times. If you have a calm discussion with her and find out her motives, you can also talk about how it made you feel. Probably won't address all the issues, but will help you feel as if you've dealt with it.

I know you worry about how your SIL might react, but I'd prefer to have the discussion directly with the child rather than risking it getting mixed up in translation through your MIL or SIL.

You don't mention the age of your children possibly this happened while MIL was taking care of younger children and while a ten year old should understand this, if her father is away and she is used to getting most of MIL attention at other times she may have been jealous. This is not an excuse for the behavior, but might be an explanation. Possibly when MIL is babysitting for the group you should have something specific and even a little special for your niece to do while MIL is tending to the other children. (Starting this might be tough w/o it seeming like a reward for the stamping behavior, so possibly the first time it might be writing an apology or something and then move forward).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Yeah, (OP here), my SIL is kinda.... psycho. I can't really talk to her or, heaven forbid, say anything directly to her child. And neither she nor her husband are MY sibling.

Because of relationship with SIL, usually our kids are only together with Grandma. So I guess I will have to talk to MIL about it.

As an aside, example about SIL: One time I was talking to MIL about an outing she was planning with the kids. I expressed my concerns about something - something scary. I won't use the actual example here but let's pretend it was something like, "please watch out for good hygiene because you know swine flu is going around and a child died from that recently". (This is NOT what the discussion was about but it gives you an idea of the tone).

My ten year old neice overheard me (I was not talking to her nor was I aware she was listening to the adults) and like a month later, at a mutual friend's home during a birthday party, SIL cornered me and FREAKED out on me - I had terrified her daughter, I was "usurping" her parenting authority, her daughter was sure she was going to DIE now - SIL even told mutual friends that I "told" her kid that she'd get sick and die if she did x, y and z. So, suffice to say, I don't feel comfortable talking to my neice or her mother directly. Dad is overseas at the moment.

Most people think I'm pretty good with kids, nice to them, etc. So it's pretty outrageous that SIL would imply I intentionally hurt her child somehow. Wouldn't a normal person pick up the phone and say, "hey, my kid overheard you say blah blah blah - could you please be careful around her because when she hears things like that she gets really frightened. And I know you wouldn't want to be responsible for scaring little Suzie....."

Ah family

I remember your original posting about this like 6 months ago, though I do not feel like searching for it and do not recall the exact circumstances but your niece definitely thought she could die/be hurt from what she overheard. The problem is with you OP

[Anonymous]

I would not watch her anymore or allow her to be in my house with out complete supervision. She is old enough to know better unless there is something wrong with her.

[Anonymous]

I probably would have had a completely unguarded moment of weeping and rage.

I'm so sorry this happened. Huge sentimental loss. (Hence, the weeping.)

That it's evidently part of a pattern is utterly maddening (See: Rage).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I probably would have had a completely unguarded moment of weeping and rage.

I'm so sorry this happened. Huge sentimental loss. (Hence, the weeping.)

That it's evidently part of a pattern is utterly maddening (See: Rage).

Are you being sarcastic?

[Anonymous]

Yes, ten is too old for this behavior.

I wonder, though, were the kids extremely bored at your house? Can this MIL really provide enough supervision (I don't know your MIL)? If something always happens, I think it is time for you to rethink some of your assumptions about either a) the length of time you are gone, b) your chosen sitter, c) what things there are in your house for a ten-year-old to do.....

[Anonymous]

You get what you pay for with free child care.

[Anonymous]

I agree with most of what's been said - 10 year old is too old for this behavior, and since it affects YOUR things, YOU need to be the one to say something, and I like the idea the PP wrote about saying something with your SIL in the room.
And, honestly, if this happened, my niece would only be coming to my house when I was there to supervise. Not fair to blame your MIL. Yes, kid is probably acting out, but you're an adult and you need to decide if going out and having your niece at your house is worth the risk of things being damaged.