Protecting my neighbor from abusive husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No, not ones that can actually do anything in this situation. Now you know why victims stay.

Makes me sick women are basically set back 100 years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is a troll or not, but it definitely seems like the more narcissistic partner can have a field day manipulating the court system. I am watching this process with my cousin and his STBX. From the beginning she has made false allegations, filed restraining orders, and basically said and done anything she can to make his life a living hell, and there seems to be very little he can do about it.

Temporary restraining orders? Or Interim ones? Or protective orders?

The burden of proof with an actual protective order or even a temporary one is extremely high. Interim ones are up to the judgement of the officer that takes the complaint and can be biased because only one side is presenting evidence.

Don’t assume that just because you get along with the accused but he seems nice enough that he isn’t guilty.

Probably an interim order- with all of the delays, it lasted almost 9 months. So it was nine months my cousin couldn’t see his kids without a court appointed supervisor and didn’t have access to his own house.

When the court date finally came the judge told the STBX she had lost her credibility because of the numerous texts she sent my cousin trying to get back together, trying to get money, and all of the times she showed up at his Airbnb harassing him. Not exactly what you do when you are fearful. So that was thrown out and she just filed for ANOTHER protective order/restraining order against the judge’s recommendation. She is also on her second or third lawyer.

My cousin actually isn’t that great and I don’t know what kind of husband he was but this woman is a complete psycho. She goes back and forth between texting him about what a monster and terrible husband/father he is and how she would like to get back together so that she can go to school and become a clinical psychologist (throughout their 10 year marriage she declined to work and was always “studying” for a new career, she was going to med school, then veterinary school, etc.). I don’t think my cousin is a dream man (although he is a high earner) but this woman is mentally ill.

I’m not a lawyer, but I am not aware of a state in which an interim one doesn’t expire after a week. You don’t have all the information, PP.

[Anonymous]

Way too invested in this, OP.

[Anonymous]

Also, PP, the dynamic you are describing is classic domestic violence dynamic. Ask anyone who works on domestic violence cases.

Just stay out of it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is a troll or not, but it definitely seems like the more narcissistic partner can have a field day manipulating the court system. I am watching this process with my cousin and his STBX. From the beginning she has made false allegations, filed restraining orders, and basically said and done anything she can to make his life a living hell, and there seems to be very little he can do about it.

Very true. Repeated frivolous court dates can put jobs in jeopardy. Financial disclosures are filed and court ordered vendor appointments can be ordered until most wealth is gone, and they are not optional. High conflict, and it only takes 1, is how Family Court lawyers and vendors rake it in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Way too invested in this, OP.

Not really. The reason abuse is so prevalent is because there's no support for victims. Everyone is so afraid of "getting involved." She has no family here. So many of us are transplants. Can you imagine being alone while dealing with an abusive spouse who took your kids away?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Classic victim blaming, but I expect nothing less from DCUM.

Here's the thing about DV: the most dangerous time is when you try to leave.

[Anonymous]

When the Police “ did nothing” did they tell her to get a protective order herself or file charges herself?
I know VA and MD have different laws but in MD unless they witness it happening or see obvious signs of injury you need to be the one to file charges not the Police.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is a troll or not, but it definitely seems like the more narcissistic partner can have a field day manipulating the court system. I am watching this process with my cousin and his STBX. From the beginning she has made false allegations, filed restraining orders, and basically said and done anything she can to make his life a living hell, and there seems to be very little he can do about it.

Temporary restraining orders? Or Interim ones? Or protective orders?

The burden of proof with an actual protective order or even a temporary one is extremely high. Interim ones are up to the judgement of the officer that takes the complaint and can be biased because only one side is presenting evidence.

Don’t assume that just because you get along with the accused but he seems nice enough that he isn’t guilty.

Probably an interim order- with all of the delays, it lasted almost 9 months. So it was nine months my cousin couldn’t see his kids without a court appointed supervisor and didn’t have access to his own house.

When the court date finally came the judge told the STBX she had lost her credibility because of the numerous texts she sent my cousin trying to get back together, trying to get money, and all of the times she showed up at his Airbnb harassing him. Not exactly what you do when you are fearful. So that was thrown out and she just filed for ANOTHER protective order/restraining order against the judge’s recommendation. She is also on her second or third lawyer.

My cousin actually isn’t that great and I don’t know what kind of husband he was but this woman is a complete psycho. She goes back and forth between texting him about what a monster and terrible husband/father he is and how she would like to get back together so that she can go to school and become a clinical psychologist (throughout their 10 year marriage she declined to work and was always “studying” for a new career, she was going to med school, then veterinary school, etc.). I don’t think my cousin is a dream man (although he is a high earner) but this woman is mentally ill.

I’m not a lawyer, but I am not aware of a state in which an interim one doesn’t expire after a week. You don’t have all the information, PP.

Different poster here. An interim order typically lasts "until the next court date". When I had a temporary order (in another state), it was extended "to the next court date" many times. I think a year after all was said and done. The next court date would come, no evidence would be presented, there was discussion among lawyers, I would refuse to release the temp order until trial, so it was extended "to the next court date". Multiple times. I was always given a copy to carry indicating its "new" expiration date in case I needed to call the police to report a violation. After I received the temporary order, the custody court dates and protective order court dates were always on the same dates, same file, because both were issued by the family court (again, not in VA, I do not know the process in VA).

I kept it in place until all of our custody disputes were resolved, and by then we'd had a year of "good behavior" (no threatening, harassing, violent behavior) so I would not have gotten a "permanent" order anyway (permanent orders last usually 1-2 years).

Now - in my situation, my ex was NEVER abusive towards our shared child. So the Temp order was ONLY in regards to my ex's behavior TOWARD ME. It did not limit visitation. I can see if a protective order limited visitation that judges would be hesitant to extend longer than necessary.

[Anonymous]

OP, why are you afraid of a subpoena? If you have helpful testimony to provide, why wouldn’t you provide it? If you really want to help her, that’s one way to do it. Credible witnesses who support her claims are invaluable. Whatever you and the other neighbors can talk about based on your first-hand observations is extremely important. Do what’s right, even if it’s hard.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:A woman that is close to me used to go outside when her husband started up with her. He was very concerned about appearances and if he followed her out, he would not scream and threaten like he did inside the house. You could have her try that, so that either he calms down, or if he persists, you can record it and call the police. You can also (if safe) ring their bell or call them when you hear yelling, to let him know people are watching. Another thing you can do is offer to watch their kids, for example if she has to go to court or to the police station.

That works til he sees what she’s doing and blocks the door/prevents her from leaving.

+1. Other abusive husbands are keen to go to outside places and gaslight in public . Someone close to me has a husband that will rage in the garage, yard, etc . To make it seem she is the problem. This in spite of him having a long court record . So be careful with that tactic, OP!

Fairfax police are not reliable in civil matters, and you need to use them sparingly, if at all. Their tendency is to do what is best for them at the time only- they tend to not care about facts.

Second year law school I was a victim witness advocate in Fairfax family court(juv/domestic). It was free to victims of dv. It is worth calling family court to see if they still have these.

I would also say your neighbor needs a lawyer, asap. Abusers play DIRTY.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My neighbor has been dealing with her abusive husband for months now and I'm at a loss for how messed up family court is in Virginia. They hate women! How are you supposed to leave an abusive marriage?

In November, she called the cops on him and they did nothing. Even though she had videos. She told me they were not concerned by her videos. Then, she gets in trouble because he lies to the police about stuff he did to the house. I don't get it?!?! This area seems so progressive, but she's going to be falsely accused right into jail. I cannot even be her support system because his lawyer shark subpeonas like it's going out of style.

Our entire street has banded together to be her tribe. I'm rallying up everyone i know to help her. We watch him day and night to make sure he knows we all have HER back. Are there any compassionate resources out there for women being abused by the system?

What type of videos? Did you see these videos? Police was not concerned and she still lives with him. It is 2024. No one is a prisoner. It is her choice to stay with him and go around the neighborhood telling everyone how abusive he is.

Classic victim blaming, but I expect nothing less from DCUM.

Here's the thing about DV: the most dangerous time is when you try to leave.

+1 Agree PP here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Not sure if OP is a troll or not, but it definitely seems like the more narcissistic partner can have a field day manipulating the court system. I am watching this process with my cousin and his STBX. From the beginning she has made false allegations, filed restraining orders, and basically said and done anything she can to make his life a living hell, and there seems to be very little he can do about it.

Temporary restraining orders? Or Interim ones? Or protective orders?

The burden of proof with an actual protective order or even a temporary one is extremely high. Interim ones are up to the judgement of the officer that takes the complaint and can be biased because only one side is presenting evidence.

Don’t assume that just because you get along with the accused but he seems nice enough that he isn’t guilty.

Probably an interim order- with all of the delays, it lasted almost 9 months. So it was nine months my cousin couldn’t see his kids without a court appointed supervisor and didn’t have access to his own house.

When the court date finally came the judge told the STBX she had lost her credibility because of the numerous texts she sent my cousin trying to get back together, trying to get money, and all of the times she showed up at his Airbnb harassing him. Not exactly what you do when you are fearful. So that was thrown out and she just filed for ANOTHER protective order/restraining order against the judge’s recommendation. She is also on her second or third lawyer.

My cousin actually isn’t that great and I don’t know what kind of husband he was but this woman is a complete psycho. She goes back and forth between texting him about what a monster and terrible husband/father he is and how she would like to get back together so that she can go to school and become a clinical psychologist (throughout their 10 year marriage she declined to work and was always “studying” for a new career, she was going to med school, then veterinary school, etc.). I don’t think my cousin is a dream man (although he is a high earner) but this woman is mentally ill.

I’m not a lawyer, but I am not aware of a state in which an interim one doesn’t expire after a week. You don’t have all the information, PP.

It’s California, and in this case the judge can grant a temporary restraining order and it did indeed go on for months. It even states this is a possibility on California’s website about this.

To the pp that thinks this is “classic” domestic violence. This is a case where the woman is the one who has been violent to the point where my cousin had to go to the hospital and is using everyone’s assumption that the woman is a victim against him.

[Anonymous]

Be careful OP. PP who worked in courts here. Sometimes a restraining order can set a narcissistic abuser over the edge. Remember, they have control issues, as it is. Does this guy have a gun? You dob’t want him coming after you or your family. Just be wise.