What would you call this? Friend question.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know what you call it, but I was in a very similar situation with a group of friends and one woman who, frankly, made me very uncomfortable. I attempted for the sake of the group to be civil but to hold her at an arm’s length but she refused to respect my boundaries.

I tried to swallow it for the group’s sake, but eventually it really started to really take a toll on me. More so than I’m proud to admit. I was constantly thrust into her orbit whether I wanted to be or not. I ultimately had to back away from the group. I do miss the other women, and maybe I’m the problem since seemingly no one else has an issue. But I find I feel so much lighter and less anxious and stressed than I did constantly having to be around her.

I’m sorry, OP. It’s a really crappy position to be put in. My guess is that your friend (and mine) is trying to keep the peace and smooth things over. But sometimes people need to accept and respect that not everyone jives and stop trying to force it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don't let B stop you from having a good time. A probably just likes to bring people together and is hoping you'll give B another chance.
Who knows? Maybe she was going through something that she's done with now.

This. Why are you letting this person dictate your friends? You enjoy A? Then sometimes you have to be around B. Your best revenge is to live your best life and not let her bother you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:We need to know how bad is B, did she call you a b to your face, or did you say you can’t have gluten but she went on a rant about how it’s a fad, but you really are celiac?

I made an effort to get along with B. I felt not great around her from day 1, but I told myself to give her a chance. Each time I tried to talk to her, she shut me down. I was talking to someone else about feeling tired after a 5 mile walk and she put in, "You have to consider the reality that you are out of shape." I am not out of shape, I was recovering from surgery. That was the insult. For some reason, that was the final straw for me. I suppose she made it clear she doesn't like me and I can't win her over, nor do I want to. Thankfully, I tolerate gluten just fine.

“I’m actually not. I’m recovering from surgery.” Then ignore.

She doesn’t sound like she was trying to insult, from this one comment. But just an insensitive and rude person.

[Anonymous]

It’s called. I can’t navigate everybody’s personalities and I’m just planning an event and you guys decide if you want to attend based on who’s there.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s called. I can’t navigate everybody’s personalities and I’m just planning an event and you guys decide if you want to attend based on who’s there.

It's OK if she informs op that B is going too when asking. Not ok, knowing their history, to tell her after she agreed

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ditch them both at this point.
I’ve got 2 friends that don’t like each other. I would never invite one then just sneakily tell them other friend is going. That’s insensitive. Don’t know if there is a specific word for friend A though, other than manipulative l.

Op here. If A is insensitive, then that's not a quality I want in a friend. If she is manipulative, that's even worse. I honestly don't know if she actually likes me or if she is bringing me round for B to take jabs at.

There’s your answer. If you trust A so little that you can envision her doing this, then you might as well let the friendship go. You don’t trust her or have a strong connection.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ditch them both at this point.
I’ve got 2 friends that don’t like each other. I would never invite one then just sneakily tell them other friend is going. That’s insensitive. Don’t know if there is a specific word for friend A though, other than manipulative l.

Op here. If A is insensitive, then that's not a quality I want in a friend. If she is manipulative, that's even worse. I honestly don't know if she actually likes me or if she is bringing me round for B to take jabs at.

There’s your answer. If you trust A so little that you can envision her doing this, then you might as well let the friendship go. You don’t trust her or have a strong connection.

No adult is going to spend a bunch of time and effort to bring someone around to be a punching bag. It sounds like insecurity. OP said she hasn’t said she dislikes B directly, to my understanding. A likes OP. A likes B. She wants to hang out with the people she likes. Take it at face value, assume the best, and go from there.

I used to have a friend like OP, who made everything about her like this. She thought anything people said or posted or did without her was an attack on her. It’s just that I couldn’t think about her at all times, and it ruined our friendship. It’s a real shame, because I cared very much about her.

[Anonymous]

Protect your peace.

[Anonymous]

I was in a similar situation and eventually I just faded out with Friend A. In my case, I don't think she was being manipulative, just obtuse. I think she'd just forget that I wasn't interested in hanging out with B because that fact was inconvenient to her.

It makes me a little sad because I really did value A's friendship, but I have other friendships that don't force me to spend time with someone who has treated me poorly, so I don't regret shifting my energy to those.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would ditch them both at this point.
I’ve got 2 friends that don’t like each other. I would never invite one then just sneakily tell them other friend is going. That’s insensitive. Don’t know if there is a specific word for friend A though, other than manipulative l.

Op here. If A is insensitive, then that's not a quality I want in a friend. If she is manipulative, that's even worse. I honestly don't know if she actually likes me or if she is bringing me round for B to take jabs at.

There’s your answer. If you trust A so little that you can envision her doing this, then you might as well let the friendship go. You don’t trust her or have a strong connection.

No adult is going to spend a bunch of time and effort to bring someone around to be a punching bag. It sounds like insecurity. OP said she hasn’t said she dislikes B directly, to my understanding. A likes OP. A likes B. She wants to hang out with the people she likes. Take it at face value, assume the best, and go from there.

I used to have a friend like OP, who made everything about her like this. She thought anything people said or posted or did without her was an attack on her. It’s just that I couldn’t think about her at all times, and it ruined our friendship. It’s a real shame, because I cared very much about her.

OP said she told A directly that she didn't want to spend time with B, and has turned down prior invites from A specifically because she knew B would be there.

Not wanting to be around someone who has treated you poorly in the past isn't really asking a lot. If you were friends with two people who were married and got divorced and no longer got along, would you be able to remember that and not invite them both to hang out at the same time all the time? That's the same level of care OP is asking for. It's actually not a big ask, it's pretty basic and doesn't mean your life "revolves around" them. It's just like oh yeah, Carole and Lily don't mesh, I'll do drinks with Carole this week and see if Lily wants to catch up next time. NBD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s called. I can’t navigate everybody’s personalities and I’m just planning an event and you guys decide if you want to attend based on who’s there.

Right but it sounds like in this case OP thought she was being invited to hang with A and then A revealed later she invited B. It also doesn't sound like an "event" -- just friends getting together. A has put OP in an annoying situation of either spending time with someone she can't stand or bailing on these plans last minute and looking flaky or petty.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know what you call it, but I was in a very similar situation with a group of friends and one woman who, frankly, made me very uncomfortable. I attempted for the sake of the group to be civil but to hold her at an arm’s length but she refused to respect my boundaries.

I tried to swallow it for the group’s sake, but eventually it really started to really take a toll on me. More so than I’m proud to admit. I was constantly thrust into her orbit whether I wanted to be or not. I ultimately had to back away from the group. I do miss the other women, and maybe I’m the problem since seemingly no one else has an issue. But I find I feel so much lighter and less anxious and stressed than I did constantly having to be around her.

I’m sorry, OP. It’s a really crappy position to be put in. My guess is that your friend (and mine) is trying to keep the peace and smooth things over. But sometimes people need to accept and respect that not everyone jives and stop trying to force it.

Same, except with time I've realized the other women in the group were not very good friends to me. Because while they may not have been unkind in the way the one woman was, they saw how she behaved towards me and chose to view it as not a big deal, and expect me to not care that a "friend" was repeatedly saying these really rude and hurtful things toward me. With some distance, I can see that they didn't really value me that much if they expected me to just tolerate that behavior or laugh it off. I personally would not ask that if someone, and would (and have) call someone out for behaving that way toward a friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I feel that A is in denial about how awful B is b/c she's not personally been on the receiving end of it. So she puts her head in the sand and wants to hang out with both of you when you've made your boundary clear.

She's immature and insensitive. I'd back out.

This. Or maybe she gets something else out of her friendship with B and that makes her overlook both B's bad behavior AND the fact that you don't want to be around B. Willful ignorance.

Like maybe B invites her to her family's ski lodge every year and she doesn't want to give up the free vacay, so she just pretends she doesn't notice that B puts you down a lot. I have definitely seen this.

[Anonymous]

She likes having two women vie for her attention, OP. The other friend is jealous of you so she makes you feel unwelcome hoping you’ll go away. I stopped playing those games in high school. They are not worth your time, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She likes having two women vie for her attention, OP. The other friend is jealous of you so she makes you feel unwelcome hoping you’ll go away. I stopped playing those games in high school. They are not worth your time, OP.

Could be this. I had a friend once who knew I didn't care for another friend of hers who we had both worked previously worked with. It wasn't a big thing, we just didn't mesh.

My friend wouldn't invite the other woman to join us, but she would bring her up all the time. It would annoy me (who wants to talk about someone they don't care for constantly) but I didn't think it had anything to do with me -- I thought it was incidental.

Then one day my normally oblivious husband said to me "she's baiting you-- she wants to trash talk this woman and hopes you'll do it first." The minute he said it, I knew it was true. She was looking for drama. I couldn't see it because I was working hard to be respectful of their friendship-- I thought I was the problem. But why would you mention the same friend you know a person doesn't care for every time you talked? Is there anyone other than a spouse or child you'd mention to anyone that much? No.