My ex gave my allergic kid unsafe candy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My severely ADHD husband has always been terribly lax about nuts, which my son is anaphylactically allergic to. We had so many fights about it. Luckily my son grew to systematically check ingredients, but he knows not to trust his father. It’s sad.

Does he prepare meals for your son?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My severely ADHD husband has always been terribly lax about nuts, which my son is anaphylactically allergic to. We had so many fights about it. Luckily my son grew to systematically check ingredients, but he knows not to trust his father. It’s sad.

Similar here - different allergen in kid and cause of neglect in Dad but same outcome - Dad is not someone who can be trusted. I didn’t have to teach them this - they figured it out for themselves by about age 8. They still have a decent relationship with him, but know they keep themselves safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My severely ADHD husband has always been terribly lax about nuts, which my son is anaphylactically allergic to. We had so many fights about it. Luckily my son grew to systematically check ingredients, but he knows not to trust his father. It’s sad.

Similar here - different allergen in kid and cause of neglect in Dad but same outcome - Dad is not someone who can be trusted. I didn’t have to teach them this - they figured it out for themselves by about age 8. They still have a decent relationship with him, but know they keep themselves safe.

Are you divorced? Is your kid at their house for multiple day stretches?

I'm not sure how a child keeps themselves safe in this situation. What does it look like for your kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

How does she want to handle it?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

How does she want to handle it?

The kid or the mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

Suggest mom be more careful. Do you have reason to think she would intentionally harm your child?

How would you want her to react if roles were reversed?

Intentionally? No. But she can definitely be negligent.

I am not sure how this impacts the precautions I expect my kid to take. She is really good about carrying safe snacks, waiting to eat at home if she can’t read labels and be sure it’s safe etc . . . but those strategies assume that food from home is safe.

Well, now that messaging can be tweaked a bit. Glad she is ok.

My kid had anaphylaxis once when she was too young to read, was pretty traumatic for both of us. Restaurant error though, not from a parent. Teach kiddo to ALWAYS check.

But what does that look like at home with the parent. I can’t imagine coming home from the grocery store and expecting a child to check the ingredients, or to ask in detail how you prepared dinner.

How would that play out in your house?

We don't keep my kid's allergens in the home so it really cuts down on risk. I tend to cook with whole foods.

What did mom have to say? Does she commonly keep and cook with DD's allergens?

You may want to post this on the Kids with Food Allergies site.

Mom hasn’t spoken to me about it. She told the kid the kid should have been reading labels, but the candy was removed from packaging and put into eggs with my kid’s name on them.

I had assumed that mom wasn’t bringing allergies into the home. I no longer feel like that is a safe assumption.

[Anonymous]

Look, it’s terrible what happened. But people do make mistakes. I have 2 kids who have anaphylaxis from nuts. One took a swig of DH’s protein drink and immediately swelled up vomited etc bc it was made with cashews. He needed 2 epipens and a 3rd in the hospital. He was 14. It was negligent, stupid, careless, etc. but what’s the solution? Not ever be with DH or eat food from DH? It sucks that onus will be on your DD but that’s how it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My kid is a tween, so old enough that she wouldn’t usually eat unlabeled candy, but could easily assume that candy her own mother hid specifically for her would be safe. Luckily she didn’t, but not sure how to proceed.

How does she want to handle it?

The kid or the mom?

Sorry, the kid. Have you talked to mom?

[Anonymous]

The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My severely ADHD husband has always been terribly lax about nuts, which my son is anaphylactically allergic to. We had so many fights about it. Luckily my son grew to systematically check ingredients, but he knows not to trust his father. It’s sad.

Does he prepare meals for your son?

Yes, but that's not the problem, because he knows not to cook with nuts. The two anaphylactic reactions my son suffered from, that weren't part of a food challenge at the allergist's, were under my husband's supervision: one in a Vietnamese restaurant (we are Vietnamese), when he gave our then-young son a bite of his dish - he'd completely forgotten his dish was sprinkled with peanuts. The second at a potluck dessert party, when he failed to check baklava ingredients and DS reacted from the pistachios. DS, who also has ADHD, learned from that last incident to check ingredients himself! My husband will just routinely forget that my son can't have chocolate pralines, because he's allergic to hazelnuts. DS thankfully doesn't have a sweet tooth, and will just refuse the chocolate, or check whether it's "just" chocolate, or has a praline filling. His allergy, with deliberate exposure at the allergist's, is such that he can now tolerate the equivalent of 3 peanut/pistachio/hazelnut before anaphylaxis, so generally foods that are processed in a facility with nuts, but without those ingredients, are fine, since a very small contamination is OK. He can feel after the first bite that something's off, which is a valuable signal.

[Anonymous]

OP, I am so sorry. As a parent of a child with severe food allergies, I can't imagine not being able to trust that their other parent wouldn't do everything possible to keep them safe from their allergen. Like you, our house is allergen free and will always be...even when my child is out of the house and only comes back for visits. My spouse and I have decided that we will always keep a safe home. I am very thankful that your child chose to read the label, even when it was candy given to them by a parent, and did not ingest it. How old is your child? A young teen or an older teen? Perhaps you could speak with the other parent about how this incident scared the child. How it would be really nice if their home/homes could always be safe places. And then, I would encourage the child to follow up with the other parent themselves. They need to let them know that they know the other parent loves them, and would never want anything to happen to them, and that it was an accident, but the child should let them know that they are always on guard with a food allergy and the one place that they should be able to feel completely safe is their own home. I would place a great deal of emphasis on the wording for this request. Don't let the childe be accusatory, just let them remind the other parent that they spend most of their days having to avoid their allergen and it would be great to be able to relax at home. That being said, my child is an older teen, has spent his whole life navigating his food allergies and will be going off to college next year and will have to handle this on his own. He is very good at avoiding buffets, any food given to him by someone else, etc. I have done my part by teaching him how to advocate for himself and how to do his best to avoid food that is not safe for him. He does this everyday at school, at friend's houses, i.e. It is so important for him to be able to turn it off when he is home and not have to be vigilant in his safe haven. I wish your child the best and hope that they are able to have a sincere conversation with your ex about their need for safety in their own home.

[Anonymous]

I posted above, but I would also add.. please run out today and buy some safe replacement candy for your kid! She deserves it! My child has always given away candy too and I keep safe candy for him to have. I am sure that you trusted your ex to have some, but since they did not, please buy some for your kid!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The kid is scared. I feel as though she has good self protection skills for a middle schooler. She knows how to read a label, and how to order in a restaurant. She is super cautious about eating outside of home, and often will just choose to eat the emergency snacks she carries in her backpack or ask for a piece of fruit she can peel or wash herself.

But she still relies on me to keep the groceries in the fridge allergen free, or to not use allergens in a recipe. If I serve dinner she trusts me that what is on the table is safe.

I hear people saying that the onus for being safe is on her, but I don’t know how that works for a child at home. She isn’t the one shopping or cooking. She can’t use a strategy like waiting till she’s back with me, or only eating packaged snacks when she is there for a week.

I should also add that it bothers me that my kid gave away all her candy from her school party, and didn’t participate in the church Easter egg hunt because of safety concerns. So she was looking forward to her safe candy that wasn’t safe.

I hear you. That really sucks.

Consider :

How old is teen? Can she cook or assist?

How often is teen over there? What meals? Does she eat packaged things like bread and meat that she can read the label? If mom serves pasta with sauce, was the pasta from a box or does mom keep it loose in a jar? Is the sauce homemade or from a jar with cheese label?

Is your ex unreliable in general? How do you feel? Was it an honest mistake and she mixed it up with candy for another kid? How did DD find out it was unsafe? Was mom apologetic?

If I were you, I would have a conversation with mom, preferably over text or email, not being accusatory but just clarifying, does she follow the same rule as you about not bringing allergen into house, and is there anything you can do to help?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It'll happen. You train your kid and really can't account for what other people will do. You won't be able to control everything.

You train your kid that they can’t trust their own parent?

DP

No, you train your kid that sometimes, loving, well intentioned people (yes, even parents) make mistakes. Trust but verify - that’s what you teach your kid!