How to respond (if at all) to bf's high conflict baby mama

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a child involved so it doesn’t get to be about you and your feelings. Best thing for kid is a civil relationship among adults. Figure out how to get there or get out of the way.

A mom has a right to know the person her kid is around all the time.

NP. All due respect, I don't think OP is the one standing in the way of a "civil relationship". The BM sounds unhinged and since the BF is setting up boundaries she's trying to find a way to cause chaos through the GF.

But I agree that it's the kid who suffers. OP, would your BF be willing to do any kind of co-parenting therapy with BM, and then you all could let the therapist decided what your role would be in those sessions (I'm guessing pretty minimal at first). At the very least, offering to do that would call her bluff about her wanting what's "best for her kid." if she refuses.

I agree that the child’s mother sounds difficult. But OP is focused on stirring the pot, causing drama, etc. And the term “baby mama” is indicative of lesser maturity on her part as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Whether you believe it or not doesn’t really matter. What matters is you’re handling this situation very immaturely by blaming some woman you’ve never even had a conversation with for your problems. Stay off social media, stop listening to your boyfriends messages, take an hour to have a conversation with the mother of the child you’re starting to raise. If you can’t handle that you’re too immature and don’t deserve to be in any type of parenting role to this child. You talk a lot about respect but you’re showing this little girl zero respect by ignoring her mother like you are.

+1 Also, no one said you had to meet with her. Refusing to acknowledge this woman is immature enough.

Well, that’s why I’m here asking for advice about how to acknowledge her, isn’t it? I’m just not sure how any of this makes me immature.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There’s a child involved so it doesn’t get to be about you and your feelings. Best thing for kid is a civil relationship among adults. Figure out how to get there or get out of the way.

A mom has a right to know the person her kid is around all the time.

NP. All due respect, I don't think OP is the one standing in the way of a "civil relationship". The BM sounds unhinged and since the BF is setting up boundaries she's trying to find a way to cause chaos through the GF.

But I agree that it's the kid who suffers. OP, would your BF be willing to do any kind of co-parenting therapy with BM, and then you all could let the therapist decided what your role would be in those sessions (I'm guessing pretty minimal at first). At the very least, offering to do that would call her bluff about her wanting what's "best for her kid." if she refuses.

I agree that the child’s mother sounds difficult. But OP is focused on stirring the pot, causing drama, etc. And the term “baby mama” is indicative of lesser maturity on her part as well.

I’m lost. Could you please tell me how I’m the one causing drama and stirring the pot?

[Anonymous]

She might be a little in-your-face, OP, but her need to meet you and talk in person is legitimate and should be respected. She is the mother of his child. The child interacts with you. She wants to make sure you are a safe person.

It appears you have your own insecurities and hang-ups about this, because you are not being reasonable right now. Why are you hiding from this woman, who is concerned for the welfare of her child?

And stop reading negativity into everything she does. She did not give you gifts you appreciated. But she gave you something, and I don't think they were meant to be insulting at all. She wants to get to know you.

Honestly, with your description, I'm more on her side than yours.

[Anonymous]

I can’t get beyond feeling so bad for this poor child, who is dependent on immature idiots for survival.

[Anonymous]

Baby mama is insulting.

I think you're being ruder to her than she is being rude to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Baby mama is insulting.

I think you're being ruder to her than she is being rude to you.

Interesting. I would rather be called baby mama than the plethora of rude things she’s called me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She might be a little in-your-face, OP, but her need to meet you and talk in person is legitimate and should be respected. She is the mother of his child. The child interacts with you. She wants to make sure you are a safe person.

It appears you have your own insecurities and hang-ups about this, because you are not being reasonable right now. Why are you hiding from this woman, who is concerned for the welfare of her child?

And stop reading negativity into everything she does. She did not give you gifts you appreciated. But she gave you something, and I don't think they were meant to be insulting at all. She wants to get to know you.

Honestly, with your description, I'm more on her side than yours.

I’m not asking anyone to take my side! I’m asking for advice on how to respond to this woman who has disrespected me, called me names, and treats my partner badly yet says I should her friend for the sake of her child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be a little in-your-face, OP, but her need to meet you and talk in person is legitimate and should be respected. She is the mother of his child. The child interacts with you. She wants to make sure you are a safe person.

It appears you have your own insecurities and hang-ups about this, because you are not being reasonable right now. Why are you hiding from this woman, who is concerned for the welfare of her child?

And stop reading negativity into everything she does. She did not give you gifts you appreciated. But she gave you something, and I don't think they were meant to be insulting at all. She wants to get to know you.

Honestly, with your description, I'm more on her side than yours.

I’m not asking anyone to take my side! I’m asking for advice on how to respond to this woman who has disrespected me, called me names, and treats my partner badly yet says I should her friend for the sake of her child.

And you got advice- grow up and talk to the mother of the child. You’re too immature to take the advice though, you’d rather pout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

This. Grow up OP. If you want a relationship with this man then be an adult and address this woman. You can say that you are aware of things she has said about her and do not wish to build a friendship with her.

But if you want to be in this child’s life, then get over yourself and quit being so immature.

I don’t believe I’m immature for not willing to meet with someone who has called me a “f****** b**ch” among other disrespecting terms, verbally abuses my partner when given the opportunity, talks shit about me on social media, and will not respect a single boundary that my partner has put up out of respect for me.

Whether you believe it or not doesn’t really matter. What matters is you’re handling this situation very immaturely by blaming some woman you’ve never even had a conversation with for your problems. Stay off social media, stop listening to your boyfriends messages, take an hour to have a conversation with the mother of the child you’re starting to raise. If you can’t handle that you’re too immature and don’t deserve to be in any type of parenting role to this child. You talk a lot about respect but you’re showing this little girl zero respect by ignoring her mother like you are.

+1 Also, no one said you had to meet with her. Refusing to acknowledge this woman is immature enough.

Well, that’s why I’m here asking for advice about how to acknowledge her, isn’t it? I’m just not sure how any of this makes me immature.

You really need to be told to say hello when she pulled up next to the car? Or to respond to her FB message that you were uber careful to make sure wasn’t marked as read?

[Anonymous]

You lost me at ‘baby mama’, OP. Even if she’s not a model person, be the bigger person for the daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I mean you sound immature as well. I'd recommend getting out of the relationship.

+ a million. You are loving the drama as recount every minute detail and try to analyze it on DCUM. You didn’t need to be at the exchange, if you and bf were adults you wouldn’t have made this another opportunity for drama. You would have stayed home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:. You are too immature to be parenting a child. Leave now before you do even more damage.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity, and spend the night at their house when she is there.

Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time, she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all.

More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her.

So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone.

Your boyfriend is including you inappropriately in his custody time with his daughter. You should not be picking up his kids at school on his custody time. He is their Dad and he is farming out childcare to you (probably unpaid). He should be offering custody time he can't use to his wife or alternatively paying for aftercare or a babysitter. Lots of men use their kids as proxies to make themselves look more attractive to prospective girlfriends. It makes them seem like "good guys". Then when the GF is drawn in, she is asked to do childcare and spend time building a relationship with the kid that makes it harder to break up.

He is also inappropriately sharing info about conversations, emails, texts and social media exchanges between him and his wife about you with you. He is doing this to create drama - a common enemy (his wife) bonds you closer to him.

If you want this kind of emotional manipulation to be the rest of your life, by all means keep seeing him, but go into it eyes wide open seeing him for the manipulator he is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She might be a little in-your-face, OP, but her need to meet you and talk in person is legitimate and should be respected. She is the mother of his child. The child interacts with you. She wants to make sure you are a safe person.

It appears you have your own insecurities and hang-ups about this, because you are not being reasonable right now. Why are you hiding from this woman, who is concerned for the welfare of her child?

And stop reading negativity into everything she does. She did not give you gifts you appreciated. But she gave you something, and I don't think they were meant to be insulting at all. She wants to get to know you.

Honestly, with your description, I'm more on her side than yours.

I’m not asking anyone to take my side! I’m asking for advice on how to respond to this woman who has disrespected me, called me names, and treats my partner badly yet says I should her friend for the sake of her child.

The answer was probably in one of the posts you had deleted.