How to respond (if at all) to bf's high conflict baby mama

[Anonymous]

I would not want you around my child, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity, and spend the night at their house when she is there.

Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time, she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all.

More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her.

So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone.

Your boyfriend is including you inappropriately in his custody time with his daughter. You should not be picking up his kids at school on his custody time. He is their Dad and he is farming out childcare to you (probably unpaid). He should be offering custody time he can't use to his wife or alternatively paying for aftercare or a babysitter. Lots of men use their kids as proxies to make themselves look more attractive to prospective girlfriends. It makes them seem like "good guys". Then when the GF is drawn in, she is asked to do childcare and spend time building a relationship with the kid that makes it harder to break up.

He is also inappropriately sharing info about conversations, emails, texts and social media exchanges between him and his wife about you with you. He is doing this to create drama - a common enemy (his wife) bonds you closer to him.

If you want this kind of emotional manipulation to be the rest of your life, by all means keep seeing him, but go into it eyes wide open seeing him for the manipulator he is.

His wife? Why are you calling her his wife? They weren’t married and have been separated for years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity, and spend the night at their house when she is there.

Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time, she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all.

More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her.

So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone.

Your boyfriend is including you inappropriately in his custody time with his daughter. You should not be picking up his kids at school on his custody time. He is their Dad and he is farming out childcare to you (probably unpaid). He should be offering custody time he can't use to his wife or alternatively paying for aftercare or a babysitter. Lots of men use their kids as proxies to make themselves look more attractive to prospective girlfriends. It makes them seem like "good guys". Then when the GF is drawn in, she is asked to do childcare and spend time building a relationship with the kid that makes it harder to break up.

He is also inappropriately sharing info about conversations, emails, texts and social media exchanges between him and his wife about you with you. He is doing this to create drama - a common enemy (his wife) bonds you closer to him.

If you want this kind of emotional manipulation to be the rest of your life, by all means keep seeing him, but go into it eyes wide open seeing him for the manipulator he is.

His wife? Why are you calling her his wife? They weren’t married and have been separated for years.

That’s what you took from PPs message? That’s exactly why people are pointing out your immaturity.

[Anonymous]

For the sake of this child, RUN!

[Anonymous]

As someone who was the “baby mama” I will say that I was in no way comfortable with my ex bringing girlfriends who were not willing to do a 5m meet and greet with me. But frankly, I assumed that my ex had been trashing me to the women he dated after our divorce. I expected that they heard a lot about how terrible I was and how victimized he was, which was not true.

Consider that your boyfriend lied to this woman about who was spending the night with her child and picking her up from school. No wonder she’s furious. It sounds like she is trying to be civil to you, which you have received like a damn child - leaving her unread so as not to be accountable for a message you definitely received? Are you 15 years old?

What you do is respond to the message and meet her as requested. Stop hating her for allegedly disrespecting your lying boyfriend. Feel free to be upset about the things she says to you, but stick to your own indignation. It’s not a good look to refuse to meet this woman because she was mean to your boyfriend on social media.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity, and spend the night at their house when she is there.

Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time, she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all.

More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her.

So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone.

Your boyfriend is including you inappropriately in his custody time with his daughter. You should not be picking up his kids at school on his custody time. He is their Dad and he is farming out childcare to you (probably unpaid). He should be offering custody time he can't use to his wife or alternatively paying for aftercare or a babysitter. Lots of men use their kids as proxies to make themselves look more attractive to prospective girlfriends. It makes them seem like "good guys". Then when the GF is drawn in, she is asked to do childcare and spend time building a relationship with the kid that makes it harder to break up.

He is also inappropriately sharing info about conversations, emails, texts and social media exchanges between him and his wife about you with you. He is doing this to create drama - a common enemy (his wife) bonds you closer to him.

If you want this kind of emotional manipulation to be the rest of your life, by all means keep seeing him, but go into it eyes wide open seeing him for the manipulator he is.

Different poster here. He might not be doing it on purpose, but the result is the same.

[Anonymous]

You’re trying to play house with this woman’s child but don’t have the balls to say hello during drop off?

[Anonymous]

Consider that you formed a preconceived opinion of this woman when your boyfriend described her to you.

Do you think he's impartial?
Do you think this woman shows her best self when she has to deal with him?

Point being, you have to be careful to judge her on actions. Less on words. She's tried to meet you, she's given you gifts. This does not appear to be an unreasonable person, OP. But because emotions are running high, and common sense is in short supply on all sides, you think she's awful.

Be a grown-up. Meet her, read her messages, respond like a mature person.

[Anonymous]

You all sound like you have issues.

[Anonymous]

What has she actually done to you? The post gives a lotttt of details about random things but glosses over what she’s actually done to you. It also glosses over the way you and your bf have chosen to handle you meeting and being with the daughter without the mom’s knowledge and participation. It sure sounds like he is violating an agreed parenting plan. I’d consider it a red flag if he’s not honoring his word to the mother of his child.

[Anonymous]

Oof. OP, as you can tell, this forum is mostly jilted ex wives who absolutely hate their ex husband's new girlfriend no matter what they do and youre just one of them. You won't get unbiased advice here. Head over to r/stepparents (or maybe you already have judging by the lingo you use; if so, definitely post this there!) to get sound advice from people who are dealing with high conflict baby mamas and just doing their best like you. Don't let these bitter old broads convince you that you are somehow the problem for being wary about getting close to someone who is known to violate boundaries, is verbally abusive, and has a history of cursing at you and calling you names. She has no right to meet you, much less a friendship, with you or to dictate whether or not you can spend time with her child unless it's written in a parenting agreement. You're not immature or doing anything unethical or immoral by trusting your partners judgment in what's best for his daughter and the timeline of your relationship. You sound like you're trying to do what's best for the three of you, and kudos for not stopping to her level. You can't be the stable person this child clearly needs in their life if you're going crazy trying to accommodate a crazy baby mama and her bad behavior.

As for advice, I would send a brief thank you card for the gift and wishing her a happy holiday. Let her think you never read the Facebook messages because you just don't get on there much so she doesn't know she can harass you there.

[Anonymous]

Unfortunately this is how it goes, OP. You as the childless newcomer can't see all your boyfriend's red flags. He's conditioned you to perceive the ex as unhinged, and with your lack of experience and your blind trust in this man, you can't understand that she has legitimate concerns about his lack of responsibility and tendency to lie and fudge... all of which are extremely concerning.

If you marry him and have your own kids, you might realize the ex was actually right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Oof. OP, as you can tell, this forum is mostly jilted ex wives who absolutely hate their ex husband's new girlfriend no matter what they do and youre just one of them. You won't get unbiased advice here. Head over to r/stepparents (or maybe you already have judging by the lingo you use; if so, definitely post this there!) to get sound advice from people who are dealing with high conflict baby mamas and just doing their best like you. Don't let these bitter old broads convince you that you are somehow the problem for being wary about getting close to someone who is known to violate boundaries, is verbally abusive, and has a history of cursing at you and calling you names. She has no right to meet you, much less a friendship, with you or to dictate whether or not you can spend time with her child unless it's written in a parenting agreement. You're not immature or doing anything unethical or immoral by trusting your partners judgment in what's best for his daughter and the timeline of your relationship. You sound like you're trying to do what's best for the three of you, and kudos for not stopping to her level. You can't be the stable person this child clearly needs in their life if you're going crazy trying to accommodate a crazy baby mama and her bad behavior.

As for advice, I would send a brief thank you card for the gift and wishing her a happy holiday. Let her think you never read the Facebook messages because you just don't get on there much so she doesn't know she can harass you there.

Nice try OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oof. OP, as you can tell, this forum is mostly jilted ex wives who absolutely hate their ex husband's new girlfriend no matter what they do and youre just one of them. You won't get unbiased advice here. Head over to r/stepparents (or maybe you already have judging by the lingo you use; if so, definitely post this there!) to get sound advice from people who are dealing with high conflict baby mamas and just doing their best like you. Don't let these bitter old broads convince you that you are somehow the problem for being wary about getting close to someone who is known to violate boundaries, is verbally abusive, and has a history of cursing at you and calling you names. She has no right to meet you, much less a friendship, with you or to dictate whether or not you can spend time with her child unless it's written in a parenting agreement. You're not immature or doing anything unethical or immoral by trusting your partners judgment in what's best for his daughter and the timeline of your relationship. You sound like you're trying to do what's best for the three of you, and kudos for not stopping to her level. You can't be the stable person this child clearly needs in their life if you're going crazy trying to accommodate a crazy baby mama and her bad behavior.

As for advice, I would send a brief thank you card for the gift and wishing her a happy holiday. Let her think you never read the Facebook messages because you just don't get on there much so she doesn't know she can harass you there.

Nice try OP.

+1 The style of writing/language is identical.

[Anonymous]

The mature thing to do would be to consider the child's well-being above all else and to make a sincere effort to make the situation less tense and awkward than it already is, regardless of what the mother says on SM. Take the higher road and be nice anyway, if you plan to stay in this child's life. Allowing her to push your buttons and name calling is just going to escalate tension and is counterproductive to a healthy future.