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Parenting -- Special Concerns
Reply to "How to respond (if at all) to bf's high conflict baby mama"
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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I have been dating my bf for over a year. I started spending time with his daughter about a month ago and now see her regularly during his custody, [b]pick her up from school twice a month during bf's custody weeks out of necessity[/b], and [b]spend the night at their house when she is there.[/b] Because of the way his BM has disrespected me and our relationship, called me names, talked about me/us on social media, and not been willing to respect simple boundaries, she has not been kept in the loop about the escalation of our relationship and me meeting the child as she would have liked. I do not have any interest in meeting her at this time and my boyfriend respects this fully. After I met the child for the first time, she sent me a facebook message--the gist of which was "I'm glad BF is happy and you'll be in daughter's life I just want to meet you, I'm not a bad person he just made me angry " It sounded nice enough, but [b]she was still leaving him angry voicemails, telling him he's not allowed to let me spend the night, calling him names, telling him he needs to do this that and the other etc. [/b]I only read the preview and it wasn't marked "read." A couple of weeks later, after he explained how things were going to be during his parenting weeks, including the fact that it's none of her business who he and their daughter keep company with, and [b]stating clearly that neither of us want to be friends with her at this time[/b], she sent me another message, this time guilting me about how I need to be friends with her because it's the best thing for the kid, she wants to get to know me one on one, take me to lunch, demanded that we all have to sit down together and talk about things. Again, I didn't really "read" it and as far as she knows I didn't see she messaged me at all. More recently, she sent a christmas gift with the kid containing some borderline insulting gifts for us, clearly just stuff she had at home--cheap face masks, a lotion, and a lip scrub for me, some hot sauce (expired 2020, [b]my bf remembers buying it before he moved out of their house[/b]), and a package of "Dude Wipes" for him (I guess?). Then when he did the exchange on Christmas day, I was in the car so he purposely parked far away from her so he could walk the child over to her car and she wouldn't try to approach me. Except she moved her car, pulled up right next to us and got out, and said to bf "Can I say hi?" And he said no, and she said "Really?" and he said yes, really. I don't understand why she refuses to respect that I don't want to be in communication with her and why that is such a problem for her. So I don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to have any kind of relationship with her until she shows she's willing to respect our boundaries. I know she feels disrespected that things are moving forward without her knowledge or consent, and I feel for her, but if she had respected boundaries and not started being nasty months ago it wouldn't be like this. I just feel guilty. My boyfriend says I can do whatever I feel is best and he will support me--left it on delivered, left it on read, block her, respond whatever I want, give back the gifts, or have him tell her to leave me alone. [/quote] Your boyfriend is including you inappropriately in his custody time with his daughter. You should not be picking up his kids at school on his custody time. He is their Dad and he is farming out childcare to you (probably unpaid). He should be offering custody time he can't use to his wife or alternatively paying for aftercare or a babysitter. Lots of men use their kids as proxies to make themselves look more attractive to prospective girlfriends. It makes them seem like "good guys". Then when the GF is drawn in, she is asked to do childcare and spend time building a relationship with the kid that makes it harder to break up. He is also inappropriately sharing info about conversations, emails, texts and social media exchanges between him and his wife about you with you. He is doing this to create drama - a common enemy (his wife) bonds you closer to him. If you want this kind of emotional manipulation to be the rest of your life, by all means keep seeing him, but go into it eyes wide open seeing him for the manipulator he is. [/quote]
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