Should a deadbeat dad be invited to a college graduation?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good grief. You're going to be a nightmare of a MIL some day. Let your grown son decide. And btw your ex doesn't sound like a winner but neither do you, speaking about your son in such a derogatory manner ("he's a pushover").

-a woman

I imagine she'll be posting something like that "my son's girlfriend is pretending that the house they bought is HERS" thread in a few years.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Looks like someone is starting threads just to provoke a fight.

She is frustrated, wanted support and isn't getting it. It's easy for us to say it's son's decision but emotionally she can't let it go.

That said, it really is son's decision. Son is a pushover probably because Mom has helicoptered all these years.

Context. 22 year old kids tend to be pushovers in the context of a pushy parent just inviting themselves somewhere. It could be as passive-aggressive as randomly asking, "What is your degree going to be in?" That alone is enough info to look up ceremony on the college website and just show up. Or more direct, "When is your graduation ceremony?" Especially if the question is in person, and especially if DS is unprepared for it, it is unrealistic for most 22 year old kids to pushback and tell a deadbeat parent they are not wanted at the ceremony. That is not the same as a child actually inviting the parent nor does it mean they genuinely want the deadbeat parent there. It is a reflection of the discomfort in disinviting a pushy deadbeat parent inviting themselves. It is a dynamic a deadbeat will shamelessly take advantage of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

Your son is an adult. You’re so focused on your ex that you don’t even see how negatively you talk about your own child. Who tf cares if his dad is there or not? Being at a graduation does not mean anything in terms of the source of the accomplishment. Your son is the one who graduated. That’s not something you or your ex did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s up to your son. This is his achievement, not your.

I will be candid since this is anonymous. I totally disagree with you. It is also my achievement. Raising him by myself with no money from his dad. Were it not for me, he is not in college, let alone graduating. Were it up to his father, he'd possibly be in jail. Who knows.

This is the problem, OP. You are viewing the graduation as a chance to pat yourself on the back for helping your kid get to/through college. You do deserve a pat on the back for that, but the graduation ceremony is not it. That is about your kid feeling proud of his accomplishment, and about him wanting to know that his parent (parents?) are also proud. If your son has been rejected by his dad his whole life not having him at the ceremony may feel like one more rejection. If dad comes, hugs him, puts on a show with new wife and takes a picture, that might feel good. IDK, I'm not your kid. But you spewing bitterness about the dad joining in on your day is not the way to go.

When is graduation? Do you have time to talk to a therapist about this? If you can get yourself to the point where you can have a mature conversation with your son about it, that might actually be really healing for both of you. But you are not there yet.

I'm really not putting the milestone on a pedestal at all. Maybe I'll get more emotional about it when it happens, I'm not sure. And I'm not bitter at all. I'm just trying to be open and honest in an anonymous thread. I don't think it's appropriate for a deadbeat who was most detrimental to this even happening, who didn't pay a cent of the degree's six-figure cost, should bask in the perceived parental glory of it, put on a charade, and con his wife (and social media friend group). If my son wants to see him a day before or day after, so be it.

OP...I'm not sure what you think "bitter" means, but you are definitely bitter.

+1

And who cares about social media postings? I assume you don’t follow each other so why waste your time worrying about what his wife and friends think? They are going to believe whatever he tells them.

[Anonymous]

I totally understand and agree with you. Why does or would an absent patent want to be there knowing they have done nothing to support the child (emotionally, physically or emotionally)?

And even though i agree with you, I think it should be the sons decision. What does your son say? If he says no he doesn't want him there, respect his wishes. If he says yes he wants him there, respect his wishes. If the son isn't brave enough to tell the patent, have him send a letter saying so and why. If he says yes, send him the invite. I am ok with your son not taking his calls until after graduation also if he can't handle telling his Dad no. It's protecting his peace of mind.

[Anonymous]

Why ask a question if all you really want is for people to affirm what you think?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why ask a question if all you really want is for people to affirm what you think?

This poster regularly starts posts looking for a reaction. The dad is probably involved as much as he can be but she blocked it and has turned the kid against him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:regretfully, yes.

If you are in my shoes, you’d say nothing? No veto power?

dp. No veto power but you should ask your son what does he really want and why. Your son is still digesting the abandonment by his father and pining for love and acceptance from this man. He will be disappointed if your ex is who you say he is, but he deserves to make his own choices.

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation, i would be seething too.

[Anonymous]

Are there limited amounts of tickets available? If that’s the case he can’t go unless he’s paying something off

[Anonymous]

Does your son even have a relationship with his father?

After all this time, my vote is you drop the rope. Why harbor any ill will toward this man at all? It's a waste of mental and emotional energy.

If your son has enough of a relationship that he wants to invite him, then fine. Just be pleasant and recognize that you have won already. You are free of him, and you have a lovely son, and your son has graduated from college and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does your son even have a relationship with his father?

After all this time, my vote is you drop the rope. Why harbor any ill will toward this man at all? It's a waste of mental and emotional energy.

If your son has enough of a relationship that he wants to invite him, then fine. Just be pleasant and recognize that you have won already. You are free of him, and you have a lovely son, and your son has graduated from college and NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

Her instincts tell her that the swindler that is her son's father will ambush her son into an invite. Most people are uncomfortable with confrontation or handling a delicate situation like this, let alone a 22 year old.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your son gets to decide this

My son gets to decide without my input? I paid for the college. Are you saying I ought to bite my tongue if my son mentions inviting his father or voice my issue? My son is a pushover and his father will take advantage. Because his father wants to play pretend with his wife, who has zero idea what a POS he is.

Your son is an adult. You’re so focused on your ex that you don’t even see how negatively you talk about your own child. Who tf cares if his dad is there or not? Being at a graduation does not mean anything in terms of the source of the accomplishment. Your son is the one who graduated. That’s not something you or your ex did.

It's a college graduation, not a funeral or wedding. The parents who paid should be there, not a deadbeat.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let him come and bring the Wife. That way you can tell her in person he didn’t contribute.

I am petty, but I would do this. Be nice to her, but when you get a minute with her or just anyone except your son around, say what a good influence she is, that he’s finally paying back child support he never did, and how you appreciate it even if he never contributed to college or a single thing while the boys grew up. Practice your tone so it sounds neutral.

This is good advice.

[Anonymous]

This was my dad. I did not invite him.

[Anonymous]

not by me. this is between kid and Dad.