co-parenting with a verbally abusive ex

[Anonymous]

Approximately once a month, my ex decides to go on some tirade about me. This is largely on text, but is occasionally in person. For example, yesterday he stood at the door of my house and yelled expletives at me after I told him to leave (we were doing the hand-off of the child). He has addiction issues (one of the reasons for divorce). Texts mean I have all that as a record. The verbal abuse is calling me derogatory names including expletives, telling me how bad I am of a mother, saying how awful I am at this, that, and another thing. It is straightforward.

I am grey-rocking and remaining calm as best as I can. I am trying to reduce all contact to just stuff that is material to the child. I am trying to do what's best for my child.

My ex does not make threats to harm me, so my understanding is that there is no ability for me to attempt to get a restraining order. I don't want to escalate things, because of impacts on our kid. My ex occasionally does say that he is going to kill himself, saying that's what I drive him to (he wants me to move to a different state that he likes; he says that me not moving away from the city we currently live is unfair to him and his needs).

So my questions to DCUM:
There's nothing I can do here, is there, aside from keep doing what I'm doing (barring the language escalating to threats)? Has anyone had success with something else?

How do I not let my child see the effect this has on me? I feel like I just have to go numb at these times, and it means I'm not mentally present for my child. How does anyone else do it?

Is there anything I can do that would have an impact on him enough to get him to chill out, without it being problematic for the child?

Yes, I am in therapy, and my therapist and I work on these issues as well.

[Anonymous]

Can you do the exchange in public or with a neutral 3rd party?

Can you negotiate with him about moving? Tell him that you’ll make sure he gets some visitation time if he moves?

[Anonymous]

I was able to get a civil restraining order in DC after I recorded similar situation. Check your state wiretap/recording rules. If this is one party consent it’s ok to record

[Anonymous]

You absolutely do not have to tolerate someone yelling explitives at you! After he leaves, call the police and make a report. Your word is enough to file a report. If you can record it, great. You can get a ring camera or have your phone set to record before he gets there.

If he threatens suicide, same. Call police for a wellness check.

[Anonymous]

Use the court ordered app to communicate.
Have all texts and emails also go to both lawyers/ they have access.
Voice record all handoffs and upload them there as well.

If Big Brother doesn’t fix his behavior then you’ll have more proof of how unsuitable his is for custody.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can you do the exchange in public or with a neutral 3rd party?

Can you negotiate with him about moving? Tell him that you’ll make sure he gets some visitation time if he moves?

You can do hand offs at the police station. No need for him to come to your home. I'd get a parenting app ordered so he is not texting you either. Have you spoken to your lawyer about these episodes and his addiction issues?

[Anonymous]

Definitely do a pubic handover location. Coffee shop or fast food restaurant can work if a police station seems to scary for your child. You can buy one item and sit.

[Anonymous]

There are 2 pieces to this, OP. You not experiencing his abuse and 2 the safety of your child with an addict with anger management issues. A neutral monitored hand off site and the court app protect you. Is he likely to redirect to the child? How old is your child?

[Anonymous]

OP you don't "co-parent" with someone like this, you parallel parent.

What safety provisions are there for your child? Does ex scream at them? Does the addiction impact driving safety? Has the addiction been documented?

[Anonymous]

What is his addiction, OP? How do things go when he has the child?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Approximately once a month, my ex decides to go on some tirade about me. This is largely on text, but is occasionally in person. For example, yesterday he stood at the door of my house and yelled expletives at me after I told him to leave (we were doing the hand-off of the child). He has addiction issues (one of the reasons for divorce). Texts mean I have all that as a record. The verbal abuse is calling me derogatory names including expletives, telling me how bad I am of a mother, saying how awful I am at this, that, and another thing. It is straightforward.

I am grey-rocking and remaining calm as best as I can. I am trying to reduce all contact to just stuff that is material to the child. I am trying to do what's best for my child.

My ex does not make threats to harm me, so my understanding is that there is no ability for me to attempt to get a restraining order. I don't want to escalate things, because of impacts on our kid. My ex occasionally does say that he is going to kill himself, saying that's what I drive him to (he wants me to move to a different state that he likes; he says that me not moving away from the city we currently live is unfair to him and his needs).

So my questions to DCUM:
There's nothing I can do here, is there, aside from keep doing what I'm doing (barring the language escalating to threats)? Has anyone had success with something else?

How do I not let my child see the effect this has on me? I feel like I just have to go numb at these times, and it means I'm not mentally present for my child. How does anyone else do it?

Is there anything I can do that would have an impact on him enough to get him to chill out, without it being problematic for the child?

Yes, I am in therapy, and my therapist and I work on these issues as well.

Listening to that is not good for your child. You can set up public or police station hand offs and use court app to have other eyes on texts.

How do you plan to protect your child going forward? What advice has your lawyer given, steps that have been taken? Does he scream at the child? What is his addiction? How does it impact safety during custody time? Is he employed? Who does he live with?

[Anonymous]

Get your child a therapist and have the therapist talk to your child about how your ex treats the child when they’re alone.

Go to court with evidence and ask that exchanges happen at a police station. They can also order communications be done through an app.

How old is your child? You need to model for them that it’s not ok to be treated that way or to treat someone that way. I hope your therapist is helping you figure out how to have conversations about it with your child.

I agree with the PP who said you had strength to make a change. You can improve this situation as well, OP. And you should. Keep us posted.

[Anonymous]

OP, what is the child's safety plan when not with you? Surely it is more than your modeling not reacting in the face of rage? What are the parameters around driving? Does the child have a therapist? How is their well being monitored? What has your lawyer advised re: drug testing, supervised visits, etc.? Hard to believe that an angry addict is Zen with the kid, kids challenge the best of us.

https://www.twohealthyhomes.com/blog/how-to-co-parent-with-an-addict/

[Anonymous]

Important to always always always blame the mother for abuse

[Anonymous]

This should be in Special Concerns.

OP, what does your lawyer say about how to keep the child safe? Public handoffs and the court app are easy to interpose, the kid's well being is harder. What is your schedule? What does the court know about his use disorder and need for anger management? What orders have been entered for the safety of the child?