Alcohol use and aging, ill dad
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Anonymous
| 75 year old dad has been a functioning alcoholic for years. A stay in the ICU last summer followed by in-patient rehab (related to his heart and physical therapy - not substance use rehab) made him stop drinking (he doesn’t drive and my stepmom finally stopped purchasing alcohol). His health is stable now - but he has cirrhosis, congestive heart failure and chronic kidney disease. FWIW - his labs show that his liver is actually functioning pretty well. He wants to start drinking again, in moderation (I do think that’s possible if my stepmom only buys 1 bottle of wine per week or so). The rest of the family is totally opposed but I am kind of thinking - he probably has 5 years left at best, and maybe he should be able to enjoy the things he enjoys? What do others think? |
Anonymous
| I think you and the rest of the family doesn't get to have an opinion and I am appalled it's even a topic of discussion. |
Anonymous
| I think he is drinking now when he can, and he will continue to drink. |
Anonymous
| What is the goal in micromanaging this man in his final years? |
Anonymous
I guess family members don't want him to fall, don't want to cause dangerous interactions with the many prescription medications that he takes and don't want to hasten his decline but putting additional stress on his heart, kidneys and liver. He's definitely not drinking now - unless they are lying to me. There is no alcohol in the house, he doesn't drive because he has terrible neuropathy and can't feel his feet and I feel certain that he's not ordering it online without my stepmom's knowledge. Prior to his hospitizlation last summer he was drinking a magnum of wine almost every day. |
Anonymous
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People with alcohol problems don’t drink because they enjoy it. They drink because they have a disease. One drink reignites cravings (which seem to be there anyway). No amount is sufficient while remaining conscious. Reaction and quantity used on any given occasion are unpredictable.
Nobody will be doing your father any favors by giving him booze. They will be torturing him by exposing him to the substance his mind and body cannot handle. They will be adding pressure to your already doubtless-overwhelmed mother by making her his gatekeeper and clean up person. “It’s all he has” is meant in pity, but what really is pitiful is that people genuinely believe that a mood-altering industrial solvent the person already demonstrably will abuse is a solution. If booze is “all he has,” he needs different stuff in his life. Friends, visitors, church, clubs, support groups, even a 12 step program. A lot of this can be done online. Good luck. It isn’t easy. |
Anonymous
| Moderation isn't possible and if your stepmom starts to buy it having to moderate will feel just as torturous to him as not having any at all. Be thankful that he can't drive and procure it himself. My dad convinced family he could drink in moderation after 8 years sober and it didn't make him happier but it did hasten his death. |
Anonymous
| Spend that money on a hobby. Get him out of the house more. If he’s still walking you’re doing well, keep it that way. |
Anonymous
He's barely walking - can only stand for a couple of minutes. His hobbies are attending theater, watching the History Channel, watching CNN and complaining about Trump. He also goes out to restaurants with my stepmom and their small group of friends. He goes to church with my stepmom but won't join "groups" - was never his thing. He was a lifelong boater on the Great Lakes but had to sell their boat a couple of years ago due to his health issues. It is what it is - he's not going to develop a new hobby at this stage of his life. Ultimately since my stepmom controls access and will be the one that has to deal with the consequences it's her decision along with my dad. |
Anonymous
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It should be entirely your stepmother's decision, since she has to live with him and however he behaves under the influence - and since she's being asked to be an enabler, again.
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Anonymous
I don’t mean to be personal, but this sounds like co-dependency and enabling. If it’s up to your mother, does she want your opinion? Did she ask for it! She may feel very caught between a rock and a hard place. Supporting her in a decision to hold the line could be important if that’s what she decides. Alcoholics Anonymous is controversial on DCUM, but it is free, available in multiple Zoom meetings globally, and many people find it enlightening and fun. Even the precept that a person needs “a desire to stop drinking” is flexible at the outset. Especially for a non-joiner, the first time can be scary, but it is genuinely anonymous (you can turn off your Zoom camera and even just listen), and he may well hear things he can identify with that will help him understand. There is a difference between being “dry” like he is now, and in recovery. And if AA’s not the thing there are other programs. |
Anonymous
| Unless you are volunteering to live with your father and take over his care, while supporting your stepmom living elsewhere, you have zero say in whether your dad should be drinking or not. Living with an alcoholic is a freaking nightmare. Do not open that can of worms again. And alcoholics are not "functional" - they are just good at hiding the wreckage for awhile. Be glad that you have a chance to spend some sober time with your father before he passes; my kids didn't have that chance. |
Anonymous
This is a petpeeve of mine but I've said "stepmom" in each of my posts and respondents keep saying "mom". My dad will absolutely not go to an AA meeting - doesn't believe he has/had a drinking problem. Yes - my stepmom has enabled this for years and was in deep denial. While he was hospitalized this summer my brother and I learned for the first time how much he was drinking and how much she was buying. She really believed because she left bottles of wine in the trunk of the car in the garage, instead of bringing it into the house, she was somehow helping him moderate the drinking. |
Anonymous
| He is an alcoholic. Moderation doesn't exist. |
Anonymous
| Who said he’s an alcoholic? Did he tell you that? |