Am I crazy? Please tell me if I am.

[Anonymous]

Facts:
1. My wife is Asian and her mother refused to come to our wedding because she is anti-gay. She goes to alllll weddings, including, for example, a friend’s grandchild’s wedding in Seoul. Months after refusing to come to our wedding, she asked my wife if she could come stay with us in DC so she could take the train to a distant cousin’s NYC wedding.
2. After my brutal 4-year infertility slog, her mother was obviously unhappy to learn that I was finally pregnant and was completely unsupportive to my wife and me. She travels nonstop, but did not come meet our first child until he was 2 years old.
3. About a year ago, her mother had a major health event that left her almost bedridden. Suddenly, now that she has nothing else to do, she calls and is interested in my wife and our children. She continually asked my wife to bring our kids (now 2 and 4) to visit her (which requires 25+ hours of travel each way).
4. My wife knows I do not like her mother. Not because I have ever said so, but because she just knows. But I came on the trip. I didn’t complain. I was pleasant. I worked to facilitate my children’s interaction with her mother.

I told my wife that a friend commented that bringing my children “literally half way around the world,” under these circumstances was, “commendable,” and that I explained that I was important to me to support my wife. When I told my wife this, she got so angry and absolutely does not comprehend why it’s “commendable.” She told me she doesn’t need that and that I shouldn’t have anything to do with her mother ever again. She also said that I “judged” her mother for her refusal to come to our wedding and being displeased/unsupportive/absent re: the birth of our child, which blew my mind.

If this woman were anyone but my wife’s mother, I would have verbally chewed her up and spit her out and would certainly not have her in my life in ANY capacity. But unfortunately she IS my spouse’s mother, so here I am taking my young kids to Asia and trying to get my kids to play with her. And my wife is furious with me for telling her the commendable comment and then, when she asked why my coming on the Asia trip was commendable, my having the audacity to remind her that her mom skipped our wedding and wasn’t happy about the birth of our child/children.

How would you have handled the mother in law in my situation? What would your reaction to my wife be if you were me?

Trying to make sense of things….

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds like a big B. Your wife sounds very conflicted. I would imagine she craves the feelings of love and support from her parent, but she hasnt gotten that for a long time. Maybe now that she is finally showing interest, your wife is trying to make up for lost time? And doesnt want her moms previous negative interactions brought up?

It's a bit ostrich-y. She may rather dunk her head in the sand and pretend everything is lovey dovey now.

Anyways. I'd look at couples counselling, and maybe individual for your wife. She has a lot of feelings to sort through, as do you and as do you both as a couple.

[Anonymous]

Agree that your wife sounds like she is projecting her hurt/anger at her mother on to you. Also agree that she is trying to lalala past the bad stuff her mom has done and pretend everything is fine now.

I also agree that counseling might be in order, though your wife may resist because deep down she probably knows she is pretending. How much to push for it is up to you. How much longer do you think her mom will play a role in your lives?

[Anonymous]

I think that all mothers and daughters have complicated relationships and Asian M + D dynamics adds yet another layer of complexity on top. Plus there are American v Homeland type dynamics. (Have we not all watched the Joy Luck Club, or Kdramas?) So overall I’d say your wife is conflicted and you should drop the subject and continue to support her by remaining neutral.

[Anonymous]

Your wife grew up in a different culture, with different expectations around the way people relate to family members. It sounds like you were looking for a proverbial “pat on the back” with the commendable conversation and she wasn’t up for giving it to you.

My suggestion would be to recognize the impact your different backgrounds have, and don’t push your wife on this issue.

[Anonymous]

This happens a lot with families. They can have a lot of trouble among themselves, but they close ranks against outsiders. Even you are an outsider in the context of DW's mother.

The "commendable" but was way out of line.

Think about it: you told your wife how great people thing you are for showing pity on your wife and doing her a big favor, instead of feeling committed to support her. How should that make her feel?

She's going through a hard time trying to resuscitate a nearly dead relationship with her own mother. Do you have a mother who you love?

Apologize briefly for what you said, but don't literally repeat it. Then spend some time paying extra attention to how you can be kind and caring. That would be commendable -- but don't go telling her I said that!

[Anonymous]

I cannot comprehend your wife’s reaction, unless your MIL has become much friendlier towards you particularly. If she’s genuinely caring now, then you can’t ruminate on events from the past. And I mean specifically towards you, OP. If your MIL is still barely courteous to you, then you have to tell your wife you expect more gratitude for overlooking this treatment and bringing your kids to your ML.

[Anonymous]

I am confused. Is your wife there with you? Why do you phrase it like the children are only yours, and you're the only one who traveled?

Supporting a spouse through a hard thing like the decline of a parent, is what a spouse does. It's not something you should seek praise for.

[Anonymous]

I do think what you did was commendable OP.

Overcoming a homophobic, hateful MIL and travelling with your partner and your children to visit someone who was so disgusting to you is something that I would not personally do. It sounds like a huge sacrifice to just *poof* forget the years and years of derogatory treatment.

If my partner asked me the same question, I absolutely would have brought up all the terrible things she did. Why does she care about your kids now? Why didnt she before? Did she even apologize for all these things?

[Anonymous]

Are you Asian?

[Anonymous]

Your MIL is Korean, so there's not a lot you can do. I really would be surprised if she behaved any other way. The homophobia and "what would the neighbors think?" runs deep.

Your wife on the other hand seems way out of line. I guess you could chalk that up to the pressure she's feeling about the trip. However, that's an explanation, not an excuse. She owes you an apology.

[Anonymous]

I think you did the right thing in going. Not for MIL’s sake, but for your wife.

But now, you’re making everything about you, when it’s not about you & your relationship with MIL - it’s about your wife & her complicated feelings around her dying mother.

Doing something loving for your wife & then telling her how everyone thinks you did such a good deed by being a loving partner does not feel genuine or loving.

She’s struggling. I would let it go, stop talking about how commendable it was, stop talking about how MIL was wrong. Don’t make it about you & your feelings towards MIL - your spouse’s feelings are much more complicated & more important right now. Just listen & be a shoulder for her to lean on right now. No praise or reward needed- she will return the favor of being a supportive spouse when you are in need.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Facts:
1. My wife is Asian and her mother refused to come to our wedding because she is anti-gay. She goes to alllll weddings, including, for example, a friend’s grandchild’s wedding in Seoul. Months after refusing to come to our wedding, she asked my wife if she could come stay with us in DC so she could take the train to a distant cousin’s NYC wedding.
2. After my brutal 4-year infertility slog, her mother was obviously unhappy to learn that I was finally pregnant and was completely unsupportive to my wife and me. She travels nonstop, but did not come meet our first child until he was 2 years old.
3. About a year ago, her mother had a major health event that left her almost bedridden. Suddenly, now that she has nothing else to do, she calls and is interested in my wife and our children. She continually asked my wife to bring our kids (now 2 and 4) to visit her (which requires 25+ hours of travel each way).
4. My wife knows I do not like her mother. Not because I have ever said so, but because she just knows. But I came on the trip. I didn’t complain. I was pleasant. I worked to facilitate my children’s interaction with her mother.

I told my wife that a friend commented that bringing my children “literally half way around the world,” under these circumstances was, “commendable,” and that I explained that I was important to me to support my wife. When I told my wife this, she got so angry and absolutely does not comprehend why it’s “commendable.” She told me she doesn’t need that and that I shouldn’t have anything to do with her mother ever again. She also said that I “judged” her mother for her refusal to come to our wedding and being displeased/unsupportive/absent re: the birth of our child, which blew my mind.

If this woman were anyone but my wife’s mother, I would have verbally chewed her up and spit her out and would certainly not have her in my life in ANY capacity. But unfortunately she IS my spouse’s mother, so here I am taking my young kids to Asia and trying to get my kids to play with her. And my wife is furious with me for telling her the commendable comment and then, when she asked why my coming on the Asia trip was commendable, my having the audacity to remind her that her mom skipped our wedding and wasn’t happy about the birth of our child/children.

How would you have handled the mother in law in my situation? What would your reaction to my wife be if you were me?

Trying to make sense of things….

Try to understand that the MIL did not grow up in America and the culture she grew up in is vastly different. While it may be incomprehensible to you that she does not immediately condone a same sex relationship, you were raised in a completely different place with different mores. Just saying to put yourself in her shoes/culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Facts:
1. My wife is Asian and her mother refused to come to our wedding because she is anti-gay. She goes to alllll weddings, including, for example, a friend’s grandchild’s wedding in Seoul. Months after refusing to come to our wedding, she asked my wife if she could come stay with us in DC so she could take the train to a distant cousin’s NYC wedding.
2. After my brutal 4-year infertility slog, her mother was obviously unhappy to learn that I was finally pregnant and was completely unsupportive to my wife and me. She travels nonstop, but did not come meet our first child until he was 2 years old.
3. About a year ago, her mother had a major health event that left her almost bedridden. Suddenly, now that she has nothing else to do, she calls and is interested in my wife and our children. She continually asked my wife to bring our kids (now 2 and 4) to visit her (which requires 25+ hours of travel each way).
4. My wife knows I do not like her mother. Not because I have ever said so, but because she just knows. But I came on the trip. I didn’t complain. I was pleasant. I worked to facilitate my children’s interaction with her mother.

I told my wife that a friend commented that bringing my children “literally half way around the world,” under these circumstances was, “commendable,” and that I explained that I was important to me to support my wife. When I told my wife this, she got so angry and absolutely does not comprehend why it’s “commendable.” She told me she doesn’t need that and that I shouldn’t have anything to do with her mother ever again. She also said that I “judged” her mother for her refusal to come to our wedding and being displeased/unsupportive/absent re: the birth of our child, which blew my mind.

If this woman were anyone but my wife’s mother, I would have verbally chewed her up and spit her out and would certainly not have her in my life in ANY capacity. But unfortunately she IS my spouse’s mother, so here I am taking my young kids to Asia and trying to get my kids to play with her. And my wife is furious with me for telling her the commendable comment and then, when she asked why my coming on the Asia trip was commendable, my having the audacity to remind her that her mom skipped our wedding and wasn’t happy about the birth of our child/children.

How would you have handled the mother in law in my situation? What would your reaction to my wife be if you were me?

Trying to make sense of things….

Try to understand that the MIL did not grow up in America and the culture she grew up in is vastly different. While it may be incomprehensible to you that she does not immediately condone a same sex relationship, you were raised in a completely different place with different mores. Just saying to put yourself in her shoes/culture.

This is good advice. OP, please try to put yourself in someone else’s shoes. Same sex relationships are a relatively new concept for a majority of the world’s population. Because someone takes some time to come around/get used to it, that alone does not make them an evil person. Even if your MIL did some truly egregious things, it sounds like she is changing.

If you continue to dwell on the past, you will not be happy, and you will also contribute to the mindset that some conservative people have where they feel like they either have to “perfectly” live up to your norms, or why even try? You clearly do not give your MIL any credit or benefit of the doubt and your wife is picking up on this.

OP, you must have been pretty lucky to grow up and come out in a supportive environment. Even in the U.S., that was not the case for many of us. And failing to acknowledge progress and showing hateful attitudes to those who think differently aren’t a way to win hearts.

[Anonymous]

Agree with some other pp's - it sounds like your wife was projecting her conflicted feelings about her mother following the commendable comment. While I do think it actually is commendable (I've similarly had a hard time with a homophobic FIL not accepting our family) - it's not the sort of thing your wife wants to hear. She's probably just trying to turn a page and try to get back on a good path with her mother and doesn't want to dwell on the bad things she's done in the past.