how to tell 10 yo they have to change schools

[Anonymous]

Good advice, PP.

The one thing I’d add is to try to coach your child through an “apology of action.” If she breaks something, she could repair or replace it, for example. If she’s unkind to someone, she could think of something kind to help the person she hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Good advice, PP.

The one thing I’d add is to try to coach your child through an “apology of action.” If she breaks something, she could repair or replace it, for example. If she’s unkind to someone, she could think of something kind to help the person she hurt.

Thank you. I use the phrase "making amends". For example, you can make amends by being extra polite next time you see that person.

[Anonymous]

I barely made it through the first two pages and all I can think is that I would be miserable and frustrated too if I were constantly grounded and my mom seemed like she didn’t think very highly of me or even like me much.

[Anonymous]

A lot of posters are out of line blaming OP. This is a clear SN case. I would guess combination ASD and ADHD which is just pure hell. OP's child's brain does not work right and there are no magic parenting methods that turn children like this into normal functioning kids that you can be proud of rather than constantly embarrassed by. OP, your kid needs medication. It's a game changer and you will go from wishing you had an abortion to actually loving spending time with her, at least until the dosage wears off.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

Oh, we're consistent. It's exhausting, but we're consistent. When she won't ever study or practice piano, what are we supposed to do? She has never shown that she's capable of earning freedom.

This piano nonsense just reenforces that disciplining incorrectly has been the issue all along.

Explain? If she doesn't practice as required, she's punished by losing more and more "fun" things she would rather be doing. That's literally how discipline works.

You cannot be real. Are you trolling?

No? How else do you force a child to do unfun things they don't want to do?

Hire a parenting coach. You seem at your wits end and what you’ve been trying isn’t working and you can’t seem to imagine any other paths. Yet, they so clearly exist. What’s that definition of insanity?

Get help. For you.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:How much studying does a 10 yo need to do? Go over her spelling words?

Maybe piano isn’t a good fit. Does she even want to play the piano of is this something you force her to do?

She has tests every other week or so, so yes, there's a lot of studying. Claims she doesn't need to study because she knows all the material, but I don't think so. She asked to learn the piano, but she refuses to practice, and so I routinely get really embarrassing emails from her teacher about her lack of progression.

I really feel bad for DD. You are the problem OP

Because I don't like being accused of letting my child slack off when I spend every evening reminding, asking, begging, bribing, cajoling, and threating, only to be ignored? Sure, ok. I'm the problem.

Yes. What you are doing is NOT WORKING. How is your response to double down?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of posters are out of line blaming OP. This is a clear SN case. I would guess combination ASD and ADHD which is just pure hell. OP's child's brain does not work right and there are no magic parenting methods that turn children like this into normal functioning kids that you can be proud of rather than constantly embarrassed by. OP, your kid needs medication. It's a game changer and you will go from wishing you had an abortion to actually loving spending time with her, at least until the dosage wears off.

Both things can be true. Her child can need different assistance and I can also be critical of someone who is posting online without any ability to show self awareness and seems unhinged. Both can be true.

[Anonymous]

I would say she’s going to a school that will fit her better. No one will know she’s being told to leave the school unless you tell them. I’ve switched my kids’ school before and it wasn’t because they told me they weren’t welcome, it was because I was unhappy with the school. Also, I am surprised that they would not offer any anxiety medication for your child. Your child has more severe anxiety than originally thought if she is crying over the classmate’s singing. My son is anxious like this and he also has sensory processing disorder and hates people singing. 2 of my kids are on anxiety meds and the psychiatrist said they look at how much their symptoms are a detriment to their life before they recommend them. If your child is being told to leave their school over this behavior, I think a psychiatrist would be willing to offer her medication. They definitely helped my kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of posters are out of line blaming OP. This is a clear SN case. I would guess combination ASD and ADHD which is just pure hell. OP's child's brain does not work right and there are no magic parenting methods that turn children like this into normal functioning kids that you can be proud of rather than constantly embarrassed by. OP, your kid needs medication. It's a game changer and you will go from wishing you had an abortion to actually loving spending time with her, at least until the dosage wears off.

It might not be a special needs case.

How would you act if you were told no and what to do exactly all day at school and then all day at home? What if your boss told you you couldn't get up to use the bathroom? Or if you didn't do something PTO would be taken away or your salary would be cut?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

This. I have a child who has some outbursts at home, but never at school. I stopped saying "no" all the time. I didn't realize how much I said no or don't do that. Unless it was something dangerous, I would try and reframe how I said it. "I want ice cream!" Instead of saying no or not today, I would say something like, "such a great idea, but why don't we go this weekend since we have x activity in 15 minutes. Would you like to go to Mitsys or Thomas Sweet for ice cream on Saturday?" Gives them more autonomy and gives them the answer, but not right then. Teaches them patience and explains why you can't have that thing right now.

Have you talked to her instead of punishing her? Some doctors think punishments are not good for kids. I find that having a star chart where my child earns certain things has helped him. Some doctors don't like star charts either, but that is what has helped my kid. We started with daily start charts now have weekly and long term star charts. Makes them learn about how you have to work for really big things.

Have you attended any of Dr. Becky's workshops? I found them helpful. Some of the things worked for my kid and some things didn't. I also realized my child needed more sleep. Goes to bed 7:30-8PM every night and wakes up around 7am.

Also, let kids be kids. I was annoyed when my child wouldn't study or do their homework right away. Let them play! Does she have playdates? Ride her bike? Just be a kid? Why does she always have to practice piano? Maybe tell her she needs to practice 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes or 90 minutes per week and she gets to pick the time/ how long. That gives her autonomy but doesn't make her do it every single day if she doesn't want to. Same thing with studying and homework.

You need to stop punishing her. Talk to her. Ask her what she thinks are appropriate responses for not doing things and give her more autonomy. Would you like to do your math homework or practice piano? Would you like to do writing homework now or would you like to ride your bike for 25 minutes first and then do your writing homework? Also, if she doesn't like piano tell her she can quit, but needs to pick another activity- music or athletic. Tell her once she picks it she needs to see it through for that session/ season as it costs $ and you made a commitment to your team/ teacher.

Also, get rid of the screens! We only now allow screens on the weekend and are strict about it and our child has been SO much better. We used to have meltdowns after the screens were turned off. Now he needs to earn the screen time and it is limited to 30 minutes at a time. He turns it off on his OWN now.

Maybe this is a blessing OP. Maybe your child will thrive at public school. Look at the positive. But honestly cut all the punishments, cut the screens, and give your kid more autonomy over stuff.

[Anonymous]

11:28 is on point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your child is 10. If her behavior is so bad that it’s getting her kicked out of school, she either:

1.) has some undiagnosed issue
2.) she has never been disciplined in her life.

Have you done a neuropsych?

Yes. Twice. Like I said, both showed nothing other than mild anxiety.

She is constantly disciplined for not abiding by our rules, so often that it's exhausting and I wish I had never had kids.

If this is the case, then you sit her down and calmly and matter of factly tell her that she will be moving schools next year, and exactly the reasons why. She needs to learn that her actions have consequences.

You might also consider putting her on a low does of Lexapro. I wouldn’t be surprised if the “mild anxiety” is more than that.

Wouldn't the neuropsych evals have picked up anything else?

That’s because she doesn’t have anything else. There are discipline issues that the parents didn’t do correctly at a younger age and now child is a world class brat.

Like I said, she's grounded more often than not and has been since K. We do discipline, every single day.

May I gently suggest, as someone who has the same tendency, that if you're disciplining that much you aren't doing so effectively? The usual problem is not consistently enforcing the rules, so your kids never know when they will get away with stuff. Maybe having fewer rules that are more of a big deal to you might help. That way you always discipline for those infractions, but your kid has some freedom within those boundaries.

This. I have a child who has some outbursts at home, but never at school. I stopped saying "no" all the time. I didn't realize how much I said no or don't do that. Unless it was something dangerous, I would try and reframe how I said it. "I want ice cream!" Instead of saying no or not today, I would say something like, "such a great idea, but why don't we go this weekend since we have x activity in 15 minutes. Would you like to go to Mitsys or Thomas Sweet for ice cream on Saturday?" Gives them more autonomy and gives them the answer, but not right then. Teaches them patience and explains why you can't have that thing right now.

Have you talked to her instead of punishing her? Some doctors think punishments are not good for kids. I find that having a star chart where my child earns certain things has helped him. Some doctors don't like star charts either, but that is what has helped my kid. We started with daily start charts now have weekly and long term star charts. Makes them learn about how you have to work for really big things.

Have you attended any of Dr. Becky's workshops? I found them helpful. Some of the things worked for my kid and some things didn't. I also realized my child needed more sleep. Goes to bed 7:30-8PM every night and wakes up around 7am.

Also, let kids be kids. I was annoyed when my child wouldn't study or do their homework right away. Let them play! Does she have playdates? Ride her bike? Just be a kid? Why does she always have to practice piano? Maybe tell her she needs to practice 3 days a week for at least 30 minutes or 90 minutes per week and she gets to pick the time/ how long. That gives her autonomy but doesn't make her do it every single day if she doesn't want to. Same thing with studying and homework.

You need to stop punishing her. Talk to her. Ask her what she thinks are appropriate responses for not doing things and give her more autonomy. Would you like to do your math homework or practice piano? Would you like to do writing homework now or would you like to ride your bike for 25 minutes first and then do your writing homework? Also, if she doesn't like piano tell her she can quit, but needs to pick another activity- music or athletic. Tell her once she picks it she needs to see it through for that session/ season as it costs $ and you made a commitment to your team/ teacher.

Also, get rid of the screens! We only now allow screens on the weekend and are strict about it and our child has been SO much better. We used to have meltdowns after the screens were turned off. Now he needs to earn the screen time and it is limited to 30 minutes at a time. He turns it off on his OWN now.

Maybe this is a blessing OP. Maybe your child will thrive at public school. Look at the positive. But honestly cut all the punishments, cut the screens, and give your kid more autonomy over stuff.

PP you quoted, and I agree with so much of what you said, but staunchly disagree with the bolded. Star charts were great for my sensitive kid (don't need them now that she's a tween, but they were a godsend when she was in preschool and primary school), but teaching kids work before play is invaluable.

But the focusing on some positives, talking through things in a bright way, and getting rid of screens are all huge. That doesn't just mean removing devices - just make no or low TV a habit. We have family movie night and kids can do school assigned screen time, and that's about it. My kids went insane (youngest still does) when it was time to end the TV show or movie, so it wasn't worth it to do TV except in small doses.

Though given that OP has tried to get her kid to do homework first, and it didn't just take 3 weeks of fits and now it's done, maybe what you suggested would actually work, or PPs are right that there's something non-neurotypical going on.

I'd also suggest that for anxious kids autonomy can be the worst. Giving my sensitive child choices made her freak out even more.

Some punishments are probably still worth it - framed as logical consequences of behavior where at all possible - for really non-negotiables like hurting other people. But yes, cut screens, give rewards.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What on earth?? You would not let your kid be friends IN ELEMENTARY with someone that wasn’t a good fit at private school? The fact that you are saying you would not do this knowing the situation with your own kid makes you sound like a complete jerk.

Setting that aside, the idea that parents at the other school will know why you changed schools sounds ludicrous to me.

I don’t understand why you aren’t trying anxiety meds for this kid. She DOES have a diagnosis. Try something that will potentially help her/

We took both neuropsych reports to two different psychiatrists. Both said meds were not indicated. And yes, of course parents will wonder why a fifth grader suddenly appears in public school. It's not an entrance year. And yes, of course I wouldn't let my well-behaved child (if she was) be friends with a problem child. That's just asking for trouble.

Pssst, no they won't. Public school parents don't question this and don't use the term "entrance year." It's PUBLIC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What on earth?? You would not let your kid be friends IN ELEMENTARY with someone that wasn’t a good fit at private school? The fact that you are saying you would not do this knowing the situation with your own kid makes you sound like a complete jerk.

Setting that aside, the idea that parents at the other school will know why you changed schools sounds ludicrous to me.

I don’t understand why you aren’t trying anxiety meds for this kid. She DOES have a diagnosis. Try something that will potentially help her/

We took both neuropsych reports to two different psychiatrists. Both said meds were not indicated. And yes, of course parents will wonder why a fifth grader suddenly appears in public school. It's not an entrance year. And yes, of course I wouldn't let my well-behaved child (if she was) be friends with a problem child. That's just asking for trouble.

Pssst, no they won't. Public school parents don't question this and don't use the term "entrance year." It's PUBLIC.

This. They will not notice or care, and if you say "We just didn't think it was worth it" they will accept that. Or say "We think [this public] has more [whatever they're proud of].

[Anonymous]

Once you have taken everything away, you have removed every incentive for your kids to behave ever. So it will go down a much bigger rabbit hole of challenging behavior.
Figure out what motivates your kids (in a additive/positive way and not in a punishing way) and work with that. And stop/pause piano. Its hard enough to manage to practice for those who are motivated by success of playing correctly. My kid wants to play and practices every day but getting her to transition from any activity and sit down even with a solid routine is a bear. And then shell sit and practice for a long time.