Am I worrying over nothing?

[Anonymous]

So I'm going back to work in a few weeks when my daughter is 9 weeks old. I got in touch with an in home day care provider back in January, and have been paying her a $100 a month to hold a spot in her daycare for my daughter. When I interviewed her in January, she said that since we're in Arlington County, she's only allowed to have 2 infants at most, and no other children if she has two infants. I've been calling her once a month to check in and make sure that she's holding the spot. When I called her this week, she told me that she has two other infants now, and that she's hiring an assistant to stay within the county guidelines. When I asked a little more, she said that her "assistant" is going to be her teenage daughter (who I met and is a really great kid, but a kid, not someone I would normally trust with my infant just because she's under the age of 18). When I asked her about what to do to get ready for my daughter staying with her, she said to try to train my daughter to not need to be held much because the 3 month old she's taking care of needs to be held all the time and she can't necessarily do that. Which makes sense, but now I'm all worried that she'll totally ignore her and not stimulate her because she's busy taking care of the other children. My daughter has bad reflux and needs to be held upright for 30 minutes after she eats, so that kind of got me worried that she'll first not do that, and second that she'll just plop my daughter somewhere and not play with her or stimulate her.

I called her references back in the day and they were great. I really liked her when I met with her in January, but I'm not sure if that's because she spoke English really well. She's had a day care in Arlington for over 15 years. Am I being crazy trying to scramble and find new care now? The ratio isn't any worse than a day care would be, so I'm not sure what to do. Right now my plan is to work a reduced schedule to make it so she's only in there for 4 hours a day, but I don't know how long I can keep that up. Technically she didn't violate her agreement to hold the spot, but I'm also kind of annoyed that she didnt mention the other babies earlier.

[Anonymous]

It is normal to worry about putting your child in daycare. I'd be concerned about her using her 18 year old daughter as an "assistant" but if she gets all the appropriate training and certifications, it is probably be fine. I'd follow up on that. Is the daughter likely to be left alone with all 3 infants? That would concern me - but it would also put her in violation of ratio regulations, so hopefully she wont be doing that.

I don't think your baby is likely to be ignored any more then either of the other two infants. If your baby needs to be held upright for 30 minutes after eating, tell the provider and see how she responds - if she balks, then you have your answer.

The problem with looking for a new daycare provider based on concerns that your baby might be ignored is that you are very likely going to face these issues with other providers. At either a center or other home based daycares, you could enroll and be the only infant and a few weeks/months later, the provider can take on additional kids. As long as this provider (or any other potential provider) is within the legal limits of their ratios, you can't really stop them from taking on additional kids.

[Anonymous]

I would be very careful about entrusting your child to this woman. As you stated yourself, your child has very bad reflux. The first red flag would be her telling you that you need to start training your daughter to not need to be held so much. Babies NEED to he held to help with growth, social development, and every other piece of their development! It is crazy that she told you to practice not holding your child. I wish you luck in your search for better care.

[Anonymous]

I agree that in an ideal situation, babies need to be held often. However, if you are putting your child in daycare, your baby WILL be one of multiple children. A single provider can not provide that much 1 on 1 care. If you want your child to have guaranteed 1 - 1 access to a provider, you should consider looking for a nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree that in an ideal situation, babies need to be held often. However, if you are putting your child in daycare, your baby WILL be one of multiple children. A single provider can not provide that much 1 on 1 care. If you want your child to have guaranteed 1 - 1 access to a provider, you should consider looking for a nanny.

I agree with this PP. Now at 3 months of age, I do not see how you can train a baby not to be held so much, they need to be held with every feeding and that's a lot of holding. But I also agree that in a group setting it is IMPOSSIBLE to provide one to one care. I agree that a Nanny is much more appropriate and fine for parents who are seeking one on one care. It can't happen in a group, even with the top of the field providers, they simply don't have enough hands. And they don't get paid enough to only keep one child. Those are just facts. So it will help your baby if you can "teach" them that they are ok to play alone for a few minutes at a time. And the baby can be held upright by a bouncy seat or swing on limited occasions.

[Anonymous]

Find another provider.

Its not reasonable or professional to hire a teenager as an assistant. I wouldn't be comfortable with a teenager being responsible for assisting with 3 infants.

Also, the comment about "training" your child is terrible.

I worked as a infant "teacher" in a daycare and no way, no how would I have ever suggested something like this to a parent. First off, it's a horrible suggestion to say that infants do not need to be held or need the care an attention of an adult and second it gives you insite into how the provider generally views care for infants - as long as they aren't crying they are fine and they don't need to be bothered with...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Find another provider.

Its not reasonable or professional to hire a teenager as an assistant. I wouldn't be comfortable with a teenager being responsible for assisting with 3 infants.

Also, the comment about "training" your child is terrible.

I worked as a infant "teacher" in a daycare and no way, no how would I have ever suggested something like this to a parent. First off, it's a horrible suggestion to say that infants do not need to be held or need the care an attention of an adult and second it gives you insite into how the provider generally views care for infants - as long as they aren't crying they are fine and they don't need to be bothered with...

As an infant teacher in a daycare, how did you hold, feed and play with 3-4 infants at once? How did you manage it then? I'm not being smart, I really want to know.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about the teenage daughter, to be honest, but more of the concern about her wanting you to train your child not to be held. Believe it or not there are lots of folks who don't buy into the 'you can't spoil a baby when they're that young' school of thought, just like there are still people who think you can get them on a feeding schedule. We also had a baby with reflux and decided to hire a grad student as a nanny for the summer since daycare wasn't going to provide enough attention to manage his moderate-to-severe reflux. It was ridiculously expensive, but eventually we found a family with another infant and it worked out great. Since the reflux gets progressively worse if you don't take the steps to manage it correctly, that would be my priority.

So if I were you, I'd try craigslist and see if you can find (and afford) a full or even a part time college/grad student nanny. You could even do half a day in the daycare and then have the student take care of the baby in the afternoon, for example. Eventually your baby will grow out of the reflux (usually by 8 months or so, but definitely by a year), so you'll want the spot when it's more appropriate for your baby to be put down, IF you're still interested in that daycare.

FYI with our second child, we have him in daycare, and since his reflux is only mild-to-moderate, it's working out fine with the bouncy seats and swings. They even keep a boppy pillow in his crib so he's elevated when he sleeps.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't worry about the teenage daughter, to be honest, but more of the concern about her wanting you to train your child not to be held.

That sets off bells for me, too, especially because her argument seems to be that she has one child she will be holding all the time, and your baby will have to fend for herself.

All three of my kids went to centers, and they got plenty of one-on-one time because at any given time, some of the babies are sleeping and some are playing happily by themselves, freeing up the teachers to focus on a single kid. I do think there are kids who need to be held all the time, and for them, the choice may be between a nanny and a miserable child. But a baby needing to be upright because of reflux is pretty common, and a daycare should be able to cope with that.

[Anonymous]

All three of my kids went to centers, and they got plenty of one-on-one time because at any given time, some of the babies are sleeping and some are playing happily by themselves, freeing up the teachers to focus on a single kid. I do think there are kids who need to be held all the time, and for them, the choice may be between a nanny and a miserable child. But a baby needing to be upright because of reflux is pretty common, and a daycare should be able to cope with that.

Yes, and this scenario just can't happen in a daycare. The other kids will never be sleeping, eating, or playing by themselves, so your child will never get one on one care like they will at a center with 20 infants.

I think a lot of you are overreacting to the daycare provider's comment. She didn't say she would not hold the OP's infant. She also didn't say she'd be holding the other infant all day. The way I read it was more of a "If your child is used to being held 24-7, when she starts daycare it will be a tough transition because she isn't going to get that here. If you help her learn how to cope with independent play/non-holding time, it will be easier on everyone." That is a perfectly reasonable statement to me.

My mother is a childcare provider, and she can absolutely tell which babies get held 24-7 at home. They are MISERABLE at daycare because they want to be held all the time. It is not physically possible for a good daycare provider to hold an infant 90% of its waking hours. They'd be neglecting the other kids. It is fine if you do that at home, and I don't see anything wrong with doing that at home, but as parents you must acknowledge that your infant will be less able to cope with less attention in a daycare setting.

OP, did your provider say she was not going to hold your child upright after feedings? I don't see why we are even debating this issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

All three of my kids went to centers, and they got plenty of one-on-one time because at any given time, some of the babies are sleeping and some are playing happily by themselves, freeing up the teachers to focus on a single kid. I do think there are kids who need to be held all the time, and for them, the choice may be between a nanny and a miserable child. But a baby needing to be upright because of reflux is pretty common, and a daycare should be able to cope with that.

Yes, and this scenario just can't happen in a daycare. The other kids will never be sleeping, eating, or playing by themselves, so your child will never get one on one care like they will at a center with 20 infants.

I think a lot of you are overreacting to the daycare provider's comment. She didn't say she would not hold the OP's infant. She also didn't say she'd be holding the other infant all day. The way I read it was more of a "If your child is used to being held 24-7, when she starts daycare it will be a tough transition because she isn't going to get that here. If you help her learn how to cope with independent play/non-holding time, it will be easier on everyone." That is a perfectly reasonable statement to me.

My mother is a childcare provider, and she can absolutely tell which babies get held 24-7 at home. They are MISERABLE at daycare because they want to be held all the time. It is not physically possible for a good daycare provider to hold an infant 90% of its waking hours. They'd be neglecting the other kids. It is fine if you do that at home, and I don't see anything wrong with doing that at home, but as parents you must acknowledge that your infant will be less able to cope with less attention in a daycare setting.

OP, did your provider say she was not going to hold your child upright after feedings? I don't see why we are even debating this issue.

Excellent post. ITA!

[Anonymous]

At 18 my daughter would have been a most excellent assistant had I chosen to add more children to my daycare. She babysits for all my clients off hours and they absolutely love her. I am allowed 2 children under 2 as per licensing but stick with only 1 as personal preference so I can do more with the toddlers in my care. I have had one child from 3 mos to now 2.5 and while he recieved ample attention and was held often, my schedule certainly did not warrant holding constantly, it's just not realistic. I would have to agree, children who are held all the time will not do as well in any daycare situation anywhere, it's just not realistic. Maybe give it a try at the daycare you have been holding the spot at and see how the first week goes? At this point she may have just been honestly giving tips and you have no idea how it will really go?

[Anonymous]

My mother is a childcare provider, and she can absolutely tell which babies get held 24-7 at home. They are MISERABLE at daycare because they want to be held all the time. It is not physically possible for a good daycare provider to hold an infant 90% of its waking hours. They'd be neglecting the other kids. It is fine if you do that at home, and I don't see anything wrong with doing that at home, but as parents you must acknowledge that your infant will be less able to cope with less attention in a daycare setting.

My son needed to be held all the time when he was small. He started daycare at 5 months and while it was definitely a transition, he did great and was nowhere near "miserable." Much less ALL CAPS miserable.

I also don't understand why you say it's not possible that one baby will be held while others are sleeping, playing, etc. That's exactly what I saw happening at our daycare when the babies were all about 3-6 months old. And I did drop in unexpectedly, so I am fairly sure I wasn't just seeing the "good" times. The teachers also were surprisingly good at holding two babies at once, even when one was sleeping. Maybe I just have an exceptional daycare... who knows? But I agree with the OP that anyone who told me to start "training" my 3-month-old to not need to be held all the time wouldn't sit right with me.

[Anonymous]

I also don't understand why you say it's not possible that one baby will be held while others are sleeping, playing, etc. That's exactly what I saw happening at our daycare when the babies were all about 3-6 months old.

I was being sarcastic. You were saying how at a center, babies would get 1 on 1 time when other babies were sleeping, playing, etc. I was sarcastically pointing out that babies in a home daycare would get the exact same treatment because it isn't like the scenario you described was unique to a center.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I also don't understand why you say it's not possible that one baby will be held while others are sleeping, playing, etc. That's exactly what I saw happening at our daycare when the babies were all about 3-6 months old.

I was being sarcastic. You were saying how at a center, babies would get 1 on 1 time when other babies were sleeping, playing, etc. I was sarcastically pointing out that babies in a home daycare would get the exact same treatment because it isn't like the scenario you described was unique to a center.

You're replying to someone who didn't say that. I know, because I did, and I deliberately changed from talking about "centers" to talking about "daycares" because I wanted to cover both home and center daycares in that comment.

Anyhoodle, I think it's not just a question of a baby learning not to be held. As babies get older and get some control over their bodies, they tend to be more receptive to being set down. It's not a question of their learning over time not to be held. They just become ready.