Thursday's Most Active Threads

The most active thread yesterday was titled, "If adults kids don’t have kids what’s the point?" and posted in the "Adult Children" forum. The original poster laments that she gave up 22 years of her life for her kids and apparently has no grand children. Therefore, she questions the point of her sacrifice and dreads what he expects to be a lonely, sad life with empty Thanksgiving tables. I am familiar with parents who live their lives vicariously through their children, but this was the first time I can recall encountering this phenomenon with regard to grandchildren. However, since a few other posters agreed with the original poster, I guess it is not uncommon. From these posters' perspective, all that they worked for in their lives was not for themselves, nor even for their children, but for their grandchildren. Without grandchildren, it was all for naught. For some of these posters this is an issue of "keeping their line going". One poster claims to be from an aristocratic family to whom a "line" is very important. On the other hand, some posters mocked the idea of a "line" that had any value. For the original poster's part, I don't think she was all that concerned about her "line". Rather, she seems to view grandchildren as something that would give value to her life. She is not interested in future generations after she's gone, but simply the remaining years of her life. Many posters disagree with the original posters' thinking. They argue that having children is a personal decision that should be done because the parents want the experience of raising children, not as a duty to their own parents. Many are critical of the original poster for not finding other things of value in her life. Almost universally, those posters who expect grandchildren react by threatening not to leave money to their children. More than one poster describes having worked diligently to amass fortunes big or small with the plan to pass them on to grandchildren, but will now find ways to spend the money. Not too many posters find this decision to be problematic and they agree that parents have no obligation to leave inheritances to their children. Generally, I found this thread to be very bizarre and, based on several responses, so did a number of other posters.

The next most active thread was posted in the "College and University Discussion" forum. Titled, "What’s with all the special attention for first Gen students?", the original poster reports that during a number of college visits she noticed that colleges repeatedly stress programs to assist first generation students. She says that she and her husband were both first generation students at a time when that wasn't even a label that was used and there were no such programs. They didn't need them and she doesn't understand why they are needed now. Several of those responding say that they were also first generation students. While they say that they managed to figure things out, most of them say that a little extra assistance would have made things easier and they would have appreciated it. One of the biggest issues they described were parents that either weren't supportive of their going to college or simply weren't in a position to offer much help. For instance, their parents might have faced language barriers or had no understanding of what college involved. Along those lines, as one poster pointed out, parents of first generation students are probably not on message boards such as DCUM learning about colleges. In addition, they probably don't help their children prepare for the SAT, probably don't do college visits, and may not even think college is necessary or possible. In short, these students may well face a host of disadvantages that other students don't. Posters see education as a way of breaking a cycle of poverty and, therefore, favor assistance and accommodations for first generation students. The fact that this measure is race neutral also appeals to some. Some of the more cynical posters argue that a university's reputation depends in part on the success of its students and such programs are necessary to help first generation students succeed. Therefore, the programs are not necessarily altruistic. Others point out that universities have a broad range of support programs and that any student who is struggling should be able to find assistance. As such, these programs are just one type among many and shouldn't be singled out as particularly special.

The next most active thread was titled, "New neighbor's kid constantly at our house and parents are not parenting" and posted in the "Off-Topic" forum. The original poster explains that her elderly neighbors recently passed away and their son and his family moved into the house. The new family has a 14-year-old son and a 7-year-old daughter. The original poster and her husband were acquainted with the girl from when she used to visit her grandparents. Now that she has moved next door, the girl comes over to the original poster's house almost every night and stays for over an hour at a time. Apparently, the girl's parents work long hours and the boy is expected to care for the girl, but mostly neglects her. Recently the girl told the original poster that the original poster would be her babysitter because that is what happened with neighbors at their old house. The original poster is fine with the occasional visit, but doesn't want the constant responsibility. It seems that the original poster's biggest fear is legal liability in case something happens to the girl while she is visiting. The original poster asks how should proceed. Most of those responding suggest simply sending the girl back home, maybe with an explanation that the original poster and her husband are busy. A few argue instead for providing a bit more structure such as setting a time that the girl is welcome to come over and establishing some activities during those times. Some advise calling child protective services. Some posters want the original poster to continue allowing the visits as an act of kindness and because that would be in the best interests of the girl. Some posters suggest, and the original poster agrees, that once school starts the girl may establish more of a support system and make new friends. This may reduce the visits naturally. The original poster reacted most positively to suggestions of setting boundaries. She would like to establish a routine that works for her and her husband while also being kind to the girl.

The final thread that I will discuss actually was the next most active thread. However, I would have had to discuss it regardless because it is just too good to leave out. Posted in the "Pets" forum, the thread is titled "Dog wrongfully dropped off at kennel by a ‘friend’. Desperate to get her back. Any SPCA members? Please help!!" The original poster explains that her uncle had a dog who is a sibling of the original poster's dog. The uncle has cancer and about a year ago had to give up the dog because he could no longer care for it. He desperately wanted the dog to go to a loving family. At the time, the original poster lived in an apartment that had a one dog per family policy. But, she arranged for the dog to be adopted by her friend who had young kids. The original poster's uncle routinely asked for pictures of the dog and inquired about it. The day before yesterday the original poster's friend texted her to say that the dog had been going to the bathroom in its crate and even though the dog was otherwise a great pet, she had dropped the dog off at the Maryland SPCA in Baltimore. The original poster knows that her uncle would be crushed if he learned that his dog had been abandoned at a shelter and she was desperately trying to find a way to adopt the dog herself. She has since moved to a house and is able to have two dogs now. She had called the SPCA but the office had not yet opened. Her main concern was that the dog would be adopted before she could get her. DCUM posters quickly began offering advice and doing what they could to help. One poster said that she lived 10 minutes from the shelter and asked if there was anything she could do. Posters found additional contact information through Facebook and LinkedIn and suggested other organizations that might be able to help. At first the dog was not listed on the SPCA's website so the concern that the dog might be immediately adopted subsided a bit. But, then a listing for the dog was found. Unbeknownst to those participating in the thread, one DCUM poster contacted a friend that worked at the SPCA and sent a link to the thread. The SPCA director called the original poster and said that they would work with the her to get her the dog, specifically mentioning the thread. The original poster updated the thread, expressing her absolute joy and thanking everyone. She will be driving to Baltimore today to retrieve the dog. After that, the thread was filled with requests for photos of the dog. Posters want to see pictures of the reunion at the shelter and pictures of the dog reuniting with her sibling. DCUM, of course, is not known for being a touchy, feeling type of place and the Pets forum itself is often full of rancor. Therefore, it was heartwarming to see posters come together to create a feel good story.