MB admitted to me she and DB "resent" DD #2 (7 months)
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Anonymous
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I have been with NF for about 3.5 years since their oldest DD was six weeks. I grew very close to MB and DB, as well as to NK. Their oldest was a super happy and easy baby. Essentially perfect, despite a slight physical birth defect that has been corrected.
MB had DD #2 in February after a tough pregnancy, and borderline traumatic birth. She is an extremely difficult child, very high needs but fairly happy (a bit temperamental). I can see they really struggled after her birth, and things have not improved which has put MB in a horrible mood and DB very distant. I work 10 hours a day, five days a week while MB and DB work. The difference between how things were with DD #1 and DD #2 is extreme. MB was treated for PPD, and DB for stress and anxiety issues. She is very open with me, often too open. She told me the other day that she and DB resent DD #2 and feel like she is tearing their family apart. She says she knows that's not realistic, and an infant does not have the ability to be evil or bad but that she often feels like DD #2 is a punishment for her past discretions (she didn't elaborate). It seems to me like they are slowly loosing it, and although I really doubt they would ever hurt DD #2 or neglect her the way she is treated compared to DD #1 is a bit alarming. I have offered to watch DD #2 Friday and Saturday night to take off some of the stress, but I really don't know what else I can do. I just assure her that eventually things will get better. However, everything has just been slowly getting worse and worse...I see complete personality changes. I personally can deal with DD #2 pretty well, but I am not sleep deprived as they are so I can see how it is worse for them. What else can I do to help them and DD #2? |
Anonymous
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Mom and dad need continued counseling and mom may need medicine.
This isn't normal it can't just be chalked up to sleep deprivation and it's not something you can fix alone. It's not normal to think you child is a punishment or ruining the family. Seek outside intervention right away. This baby's well being depends on it. |
Anonymous
I'm afraid that would be out of line, professionally speaking, for me to do. She said this to me in confidents, I feel as if it wouldn't be morally right for me to seek help for her. |
Anonymous
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MB here. I agree that these parents need help. In addition to the stress of a second child (no small upheaval in the order they had achieved) I think there is something clinical going on w/ Mom.
Can you suggest that you think she's still possibly struggling w/ PPD and encourage her to talk to her doctor AND get counseling. (Very possible that medication and therapy are both in order.) Also, do you go to any pediatrician visits w/ them where you could perhaps communicate some of this w/ the pediatrician? And, if you're close enough to this family, do you see/interact with their family or close friends enough to share your concerns for their wellbeing? (Grandparents, sister, best friend, etc...) You are a good nanny - thank you for being so caring. I hope they can find their way through this. Maybe you can also encourage the mom to join a mothers group? It would be better for both of you if she had other people she could talk with, especially other mothers with similar situations. GOod luck. |
Anonymous
I am close to both sets of grandparents. As a MB, how do you feel about this? I feel like I would be betraying MB by telling her family this. |
Anonymous
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MB here. Well, honestly - I might be furious. But, if I'm really in trouble, and my whole family is paying the price, I hope that I would be rational. But maybe there is a way to communicate your concerns to her and tell her you're really worried about all of them? And as part of that conversation you could ask if she's talking to anyone else about this, whether she'd consider doing that, etc... Someone struggling w/ handling a baby, expressing feelings of resentment etc..., is also feeling TREMENDOUS shame at what she's feeling. Add a history of PPD on top of that and you're really describing a pretty common, but serious scenario.
Obviously you don't want to risk your job, but you also sound like you really care and this sounds like an incredibly tough situation. Try to find a way to keep the conversation going w/ her but also to say that you're really concerned and really want to help - what can you do for her, can you call someone, could a set of grandparents come and give them some relief for a few days, etc... |
Anonymous
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Why bother posting?
It's clear you care more about your job than a baby. So keep it yourself. Then you get to explain to the family, the police investigators and CPS, the evening news the judge etc When not if But WHEN that baby gets hurt. |
Anonymous
The safety and well being of our charges is our professional responsibility so is knowing when we our outside our abilities as nannies... Maybe telling you in confidence was her way of asking for your help... You don't need to go to her family at this point but suggest resources there are many out there. This can't be ignored OP and it won't be made better just by you taking n more hours. |
Anonymous
That's absolutely not true. I'm am struggling on what's the right decision. Also, as I said before, I don't fear for the babies safety. |
Anonymous
| I've had a boss who really hated their child. It was the oldest out of 3. She would say things like I live in fear of him, I hate being around him. No matter how much attention I give him it's never enough, hr sucks the life out of me and this family. He was a very difficult demanding child. Sometimes parents just have those feelings. She still loved her son and he is a thriving boy now |
Anonymous
Struggling my fuzzy aunt matilda. Do something. Only cowards and trolls "struggle" The baby is at risk. Full stop. Period. Just because you don't want to think that way doesn't mean it's not true. You have said your MB and DB are not in their right minds. People not in their right minds do terrible things. All it takes is one moment of exasperation.... |
Anonymous
You are doing a lot of assuming. |
Anonymous
| This is a fake story. |
Anonymous
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I think one of the best things you can do is talk to MB about how *you* feel about #2. You had some lovely things to say. It may help her to see that the problem is hers (MB's), not inherent in the kind of child she has.
The sleep deprivation is no joke, but seeing that other people see her daughter as another lovable baby may help her see more of that, too. |
nannydebsays
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You could find local resources like PPD specialists, respite care agencies, and so forth, and simply type them up and give them to MB and DB, saying, "I am concerned about you both, and have risked overstepping my bounds because of those concerns. This is a list of some resources in the area that you might be interested in."
And then if they do nothing and the situation continues to worsen, you can always call in grandparents or DFCS. |