Struggling with child with ADHD, help!
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Anonymous
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Hello all,
This is my first official nanny job and I have been with my NF for 1.5 years. This summer I am working 10 hour days with all 3 children: 7 year old twins and a 4.5 year old. Lately I have been really struggling with one of the twins. Some examples of her behavior I am having difficulty with managing include: -Power struggles over every little thing. She will only listen to my direction half the time and is very defiant. - Ultra competitive behavior. She has to be first to get in the car, has to win everything, and generally treats life as a competition. She even alienates other children with this behavior and they begin to avoid her. - Hitting/striking out at her little sibling when she is frustrated. -Makes endless excuses to avoid any responsibilities, even when I engage and make cleaning up "fun". I am definitely one to lean toward logical consequences and positive reinforcement and I am very patient. I am looking for ways to avoid the power struggle situations (which are my fault for engaging in) and to curb some of the other behavior. DB is never around and MB seems concerned but has not offered much as far as how I should respond to these situations, but I have taken her lead and done the best I can so far. Thanks in advance for any ideas! |
Anonymous
| You sound inconsistent. Are you? |
Anonymous
I try very hard to remain consistent but I am not perfect and still struggle with her behavior sometimes. I am learning! |
Anonymous
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This reads to me like a child crying out for boundaries and responsibility. Positive reinforcement is essential but so are reasonable expectations for behavior. For example, if the logical consequence of hitting her sibling is not immediate removal to her bedroom, it should be. Or, instead of letting the kids scramble toward the car give her (or each of them) a responsibility, something to carry or organize or ask her to be in charge of checking younger sibling's seatbelt. Divert bad behavior by getting her excited and engaged in anything and everything you can.
But your consistent, reliable reactions are CRITICAL to this situation. Don't say something you aren't going to back up. Don't try to be all understanding and chatting when she is behaving inappropriately - save that for when she's under control again and you can talk privately. I know this sounds different but it really isn't ~ my 2.5-year-old charge never throws tantrums for me, but his mother has been working from home recently and he does when she is around. She crouches down, tries to coax him into standing up, then tries to help him stand up talking to him soothingly the entire time, and his tantrums last for.freaking.ever. At least 10-15 minutes at the minimum. Today he melted down at lunch time (just before nap) and I simply picked him up, carried him (screaming) to his room, and began our nap time routine. He was laughing and content in under two minutes. Kids want to know that when they lose control, you won't. They want to know the world and the people in it are reliable and that your reaction to a specific action will always be the same. They don't want you to engage in constant negotiations over trivial or basic expectations. A firm and loving hand is essential for kids of all ages, not just toddlers, because new people will be continually in and out of their lives and they need a safe place to lose their sh!t with trusted adults. |
Anonymous
| Do you have all the authority you need, or not? |
urbannanny
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Ask for help coming up with routine charts and consequences. Bring out colorful markers and let her write/draw a chart after you guys discuss what needs to happen during the day. Also set time aside for meetings. Listen to her concerns about the issues you are seeing then have her listen to yours. Together come up with some ways to prevent unwanted behavior and to change course when she slips. At home you can use the oven timer to signal when an activity is over. Allow her to set the timer and to turn it off.
On of my best interventions was taking the kids to a school track and having them run races. We did relays so each person's goal was only to beat their own previous time. It was awesome because they had to cooperate. All you need is something to use as a baton. |