WWYD in this situation?
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Anonymous
OP here. This is total nonsense. While it's not abuse, it's also not doing things "a little differently" to leave a 2 y/o unattended and then let her cry when she falls and is hurt. It's also not micromanaging to make sure my children are happy with the new nanny when I am not around. I have never once called any nanny or mentioned anything I've seen on camera to "micromanage" them. When I hired this nanny we did several trial days to see if she was a good fit. While I was around I saw her playing with my oldest DCs, being cautious with them, etc. Today I watched on the camera as she played all morning with the baby and my oldest DC played with a plastic hanger because he was so bored and was getting no attention from the nanny. If he needs something or says something to her she is nice to him but she doesn't play with either of my oldest DCs the way I witnessed when I was around. She also left the 4 year old to watch the 2 year old when she took the baby upstairs. She's not doing anything abusive but I am not paying to have a warm body. And before anyone jumps on me, I'm not going to discuss how much I'm paying her. I agree that people DO get what they pay for and parents who try to economize when it comes to childcare should not expect a great nanny. I am paying WELL above market rate with a lot of benefits in addition including guaranteed pay, vacation and sick time. It's not micromanaging to expect the nanny to supervise the children carefully and to play with them. Why shouldn't I use the cameras to make sure my children are happy? Are you saying just because the nanny isn't abusive to the children I should just let everything else go? I should just keep paying for 3 children while she mostly interacts with just 1? And I shouldn't say anything because that's micromanaging? What I'm expecting is NOT unreasonable. I did my due diligence with the trial days before hand. I spoke with all of her references (which were glowing) and did a background check. So now that I did all that and she's not abusive I should just ignore what I see on the cameras? |
Anonymous
Thanks! Yes, I have an infant, toddler and pre-schooler so I do have my hands full, as does the nanny, which is why I am trying to give her the benefit of the doubt and was curious what others would do in the same situation. Thanks for your response! |
Anonymous
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I'm an MB.
I have twin toddlers and frequently have situations where I'm tending to one and the other gets in some sort of hot water. I manage those moments based on my in the moment assessment of the level of danger and injury involved. My kids fall a lot. I'm calmer about that now that they're older and sturdier, and I know it will continue to be an issue. I can't be in two places at once. I do my level best to be in the most critical place at any given time. I read your original post and didn't see enough detail to assess whether this was a critical situation or not. I'm not sure you can assess that accurately w/ a nanny cam either. Was your child injured? Was your carpet ruined? Was everything ok at the end of the day when you came home? Do you generally have confidence in the nanny (and your own stated diligence in hiring)? In reading your follow up posts it sounds like you aren't happy with the attention the nanny is giving all the children. That strikes me as the core issue - not the initial situation you described. I'm not sure I agree w/ your assessment of the nanny in the follow up posts either. (I would envision leaving a 4 year old and a 2 year old in a safe setting while I took the baby upstairs.) But if you are dissatisfied w/ the overall level of attentiveness the nanny is providing then that is the issue you need to address. But I leave open the possibility that you actually are micromanaging a bit here. Your older kids may be more capable of independent play than you realize and it might be good for them to experience a little more independence. I don't think we have enough info here to honestly assess the situation. |
Anonymous
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You did a bait and switch from your initial post the the followup ones. I too would assess in the moment whether there was an emergency so I would not have a single course of action for every time a child fell. Especially at that age when they are falling all over the place. I also feel its appropriate to allow the kids to play in a safe environment for a few minutes, not sure how you manage to never leave them in a room together in daily life.
As I understand things, you have a higher standard for your nanny then what is reasonable and probably then even for yourself. the exception being the lack of engagement with them. Because she is behaving this way knowing she is being monitored I would guess she thinks its acceptable rather than that she is intentionally hiding it from you. |
Anonymous
I know it seems that way but it honestly wasn't a bait and switch. Yesterday was her first day with the children while I was at work. I saw what happened yesterday and truly wasn't sure how I would have handled the situation, I know it's hard watching 3 little children, so I was curious how others thought they would handle it. Today, her second day alone with the children, I saw her lack of engagement with the older children. We are obviously still early in this process since she just started. I expect there to be a learning curve at first. I don't expect miracles from the nanny. I don't expect her to engage all 3 children every minute. In fact, I think it's important that they have time to play by themselves as well. What I don't like is seeing my son looking lonely and bored by himself while she gives all her attention to the baby. I'm not saying I don't plan to give her a chance. I don't expect things to be perfect in her first 2 days. The point of my post though was in response to someone saying the ONLY reason for the nanny cameras is to prevent abuse. I'm not on the phone calling the nanny, telling her what I see and what I want her to do but I am looking at the entire situation to make sure everyone is happy and that it is a good fit. |
Anonymous
I'm not asking this to be snarky, I'm honestly just curious: Given that she now knows the 2 year old climbs on furniture and can fall off do you think it's safe to leave her in the same place (with the same furniture) again with just the 4 year old? I agree it is safe to leave them alone for a few minutes in a safe place, I'm just not sure that is the place. |
Anonymous
The purpose of the background check and references is to try and avoid hiring someone who will abuse your children. The purpose of a nanny cam is to see how the nanny interacts with your children, or just to see your kids throughout the day, or whatever the parents deem it to be. Sorry but that is the truth. OP - I think the situation your nanny found herself in on her first day was a tough one. I only have one child so I can't say how I would have handled this but it seems like changing the baby in the same room as the two year-old would have been the answer. But it's tough to say now what she should have done, given that it was her first day and since it's sort of circumstance and child specific. My two year-old doesn't really climb onto and jump off furniture (although now that I have said that, watch him do it tonight ....). On the other hand, now that she knows that yours does, maybe she won't leave her alone again and the situation will be better handled in the future. But if on your nanny's second day, she's already not paying much attention to your pre-schooler, that to me is the huge red flag in all this. Especially if she knows you have cameras. That doesn't strike me as something that will get better - and that is the relationship a nanny will really have to put the most work into up front anyway. The baby will form an attachment to her eventually anyway. Your DS might not. |
nannydebsays
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OP, just a thought. Have your older children had a nanny before? is this new nanny an immediate replacement of a previous nanny?
If so, then your older kids could be acting out a little resistance to the new nanny while you aren't there to offer reassurance. Unless your nanny cam has audio recording capabilities and you hear nanny telling your older kids to leave her alone with baby and go play by themselves, I would be reluctant to judge that she was uninterested in the older kids. Maybe she tried to engage them and was rebuffed. maybe she should have tried harder, but she decided to give them their space. My point is that unless you know what all parties said, you don't know what really happened. Keep an eye on things, but don't leap to conclusions. New nannies take time to get in the groove with kids, and kids can be slow to warm up if a much loved nanny has been replaced. |
Anonymous
Nannydeb, thanks for this advice. I agree that it does take time for a new nanny to get into the groove. I feel like things got blown a little out of proportion here. My original post was just because I was curious how others would handle that difficult situation. Even if every person had said the nanny was totally wrong I still planned to give her some time to figure things out. When I mentioned that we had cameras I was told (by 1 poster) that I was using them inappropriately etc which is what led to my post about how she is not engaging the children. Again, I still intend to give her some time to figure things out and see how it goes. I will say, the cameras do have audio so I know that the nanny isn't telling them to go play by themselves but also that they aren't rebuffing her. They are trying to engage her and while she isn't ignoring them she responds and then goes right back to the baby. I'm glad she is good with the baby, in the fall both older DCs will be in school half days and she will mostly be with just the baby, but I wish she would interact and play more with the older ones too. Right now my 2y/o DD is lying on the sofa playing with her cup of milk while the nanny is sitting on the floor playing with the baby and it just makes me sad for the older one because this has been the routine all day. I have not once seen her pick up a toy or a book or do anything with the older children unless they need something. I will give her some time though to figure things out. |
Anonymous
I can't answer this, obviously, without knowing the space - anymore than we can assess whether you're over-reacting or not. I can say that I have moved on from anxiety about my toddlers falling off something that's a foot or two off the ground to more serious injury scenarios. They now can manage themselves MUCH better than 6 or 12 months ago, so even if/when they fall, they tend to do so in a more controlled, less scary fashion, and they're much bigger. So two feet for a 2 1/2 foot tall person is less worrisome than it used to be. Only you can judge whether your nanny is taking adequate precautions. Judging by your posts here I think you're over the top w/ micromanaging and anxiety, but I could be totally wrong of course. |