Need advice on an embarrassing situation
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Anonymous
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I am a single father and we've had three au pairs over the last four years. Our first two au pair were great. They each stayed with us for a year and went back to their home country. It was a very positive experience for all of us. My daughter loves them both and we stay in touch with them regularly and cant wait for them to be able to come back to the US for a visit.
Our current au pair has been with us for about 18 months. She extended with us for a second year. She is also wonderful. She is great with my daughter and they really love each other. However, there is now a problem. After 18 months I have come to realize I have made a real connection with this au pair. We can sit together and talk for a couple hours. I know I am supposed to be a "dad like" figure to her. But we talk about all kinds of things. Things that you would not talk to your dad about. Like all of her girlfriends, their boyfriends, and love live, etc... Our conversations have never become intimate. We just sit and talk about whatever for a couple hours sometimes. I think she gets a little uncomfortable because sometimes she will end the conversation abruptly and go to her room. But that may be me reading into it. I think likely the connection is one-sided and she does not feel any connection with me. I hope that no one will attack me or vilify me for this. I didnt mean for this to happen. I never consciously wanted it. I am 20+ years older than this girl. Ugh, I feel like a creep, a dirtly old man. But I assume you my intentions did not start out "dirty". My thoughts about her were never physical or sexual. I just really connect with her. I am now struggling deeply with this. She has recently started dating and now I'm heart broken. Our relationship has changed. We barely speak anymore. I never treated her like an employee. She has always been treated as an equal. But now it feels like she just works for us. And to make matter even worse she wants me to meet this guy she is dating. She wants him to come over and watch a football game with me and have a couple beers. Right now I CANNOT do this. I'd be a basket case. I am the type that wears my heart on my sleeve. I have trouble hiding really strong emotions. My body reacts by making me nauseated and if I dont get away I will throw up. I dont know what to do. I spend evenings in my room crying. I miss her so much. Its now affecting my work, diet, personal life, and consequently my daughter. I cant keep going on like this. But if I tell her that I want her to go into rematch it will ruin her life in the US. She has made so many friends in our city including with new boy friend she is dating. With less than 6 months to go it will be hard for her to rematch and even if she does it probably wont be in the small city we live in. She will be forced to go back to her home country or be forced to leave all of her friends and go to a new city and new family for only 6 months. Then surely she will go back to her home country. She had plans of trying to get a student visa to stay in america. But she could never do it without my support. And if I do this to her she will surely hate me forever. But if I let her stay I will be in secret agony every day for the next 6 moths and possibly beyond. If she does get the visa status change I know she will want to live with us. Which I would have welcomed a few weeks ago. But now....I dont think I could do it. My heart is broken. Not just because I have feelings for this girl and want to be with her. Its also breaking because I care for her and I want to help her. She wants to make a life in America. Her family is not well off. So she will need my support. I am very comfortable and make a very good living. Supporting her financially through college would not be a problem for me. And I would love to do it. I care about her so much. How can I heal myself so I can support her and give her what she needs? I dont know. I cant keep being sad. I cant get her out of my mind because she lives with us. I cant fire her or force her to rematch without breaking her heart and ruining her life. I know people are going to tell me to grow up and deal with it. I am a very string man in all other aspects of my life. But when it comes to love I am weak and I dont know how to fix myself. I've tried counseling, drugs (prescription), etc... I cant seem to fix it. Does anyone have any positive advice or suggestions for me. I have never been more lost in my life |
Anonymous
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First, know that it's important to acknowledge your feelings without judging yourself too harshly. You're not alone in developing unexpected emotions. However, it’s crucial to set boundaries for both yourself and hers. The situation is delicate, and maintaining a professional and respectful relationship with your au pair is key. Take a step back and focus on your role as a father and a host. She’s in a vulnerable position, relying on you for her experience in the U.S., and it’s important not to complicate that. Consider talking to a trusted therapist to work through your feelings in a private, safe space. You’re doing the right thing by seeking help, but the goal is to get back to being the caring father and employer you’ve always been without putting undue emotional pressure on her. It’s clear that your au pair views you in a supportive, father-like role, especially by asking you to meet her boyfriend. It's important to accept that her feelings toward you are not romantic, and it’s crucial to avoid any illusions that they might be. Start by creating some healthy emotional distance while maintaining a professional and respectful relationship with her. You can still be supportive without deepening the personal connection. Focus on your role as a father and employer, and rely on your own support system—whether friends, family, or therapy—to help you process these feelings and regain stability. |
Anonymous
| If this is real, then you are a creep and being silly over an infatuation. Grow you - she works for you and you forced her to listen to your dumb crap for hours at a time b/c you are her BOSS. Yuck. |
Anonymous
I didn't force her. She initiates the conversations too. And she's engaged when we talk. It's not like I corner her and force the conversation. |
Anonymous
| OP - your perception of her "initiating" and being "engaged" is not reliable. The unequal power between you makes it impossible for things to be anything but weird. What kind of help do you think you would get on an anonymous posting website? How about this: take a cold shower and get on tinder you creeper. |
Anonymous
| If she is really initiating these conversations or engaging willingly, you may want to consider whether she is trying to lure you in so that she can get married for a green card... |
Anonymous
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Well, its pretty much over. I could not deal with my feelings and her being in the same house with me. Plus she is now dating this guy and calling him her boyfriend. I think the stress of all of this pushed her right into his arms.
I told her I can't continue with the program any longer. I can't eat or sleep, my business is suffering and my daughter is now starting to see the issues. The AP can't rematch in our city and does not want to go to another city with only 5 months left on her second year. So she is going back to her home country. Heart broken and traumatized. I will be in therapy for a long time to get over what i did to her. 
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Anonymous
| Yuck. Always maintain a professional relationship in the future. |
Anonymous
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OP, we all get out hearts broken, not just you. Your pain is not bigger than someone else's. Most other people also had physical connection to the partner they miss now so much.
What you describe is slightly out of the norms. Well, more than slightly. You should know why that is and I think you know. Going forward, stay away from women you cannot date you or don't have intention of dating you. |
Anonymous
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And stay away from women that you have power over. That is what happened here. She wasn't into you, you were her boss. You were totally inappropriate. Totally.
Hope this is a troll. |
Anonymous
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And stay away from women that you have power over. That is what happened here. She wasn't into you, you were her boss. You were totally inappropriate. Totally.
Hope this is a troll. |
Anonymous
| I mean this in the least snarky and truest way possible - please seek a therapist IMMEDIATELY. Not because you feel a connection to someone, that’s normal, but because of almost everything you’ve written after that part. This is not a regular reaction when you don’t get what you want. Honestly, I’m worried for her safety and hope you are a troll. If you’re actually a good person, seek help from an actual expert. Your issues go way beyond this woman! |
Anonymous
| I missed the “update.” Now I’m certain this was all a troll. |
Anonymous
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[quote=Anonymous]If this is real, then you are a creep and being silly over an infatuation. Grow you - she works for you and you forced her to listen to your dumb crap for hours at a time b/c you are her BOSS. Yuck.[/quote]n
+1 |
Anonymous
OMG give me a break. |