How to give constructive feedback

[Anonymous]

We have a nanny for the first time and it's also her first time being a nanny. She's been with us since Nov. 2022

We have two DDs, an almost 6 year old and an 8 month old. We've known her for 3+ years because she was the assistant in our older daughter's preschool class and she was leaving the preschool and looking to pick up a childcare spot for the year. She's lovely and our daughters love her. I knew because she had never been a nanny before there would be a learning curve (for both of us) but I am finding I have to manage her a lot.

We had a clear written agreement before starting about her responsibilities such as cleaning up after the kids, doing their laundry and dishes etc. But now I am finding I have to really prompt her to do these things. When the baby naps I am fine with her taking a break, having some coffee and phone time but also think it should be a window to clean up from the last meal. When I nudge her to do this, she will but it seems like an afterthought and I'd like her to take more iniatiative. Often when I get home from work the house feels like a bit of a disaster. I know it's hard to keep it neat with the kids – I make a mess too – but would also like her to clean as she goes more and not let things pile up. I find myself loading the dishwasher when I get home.

Otherwise things are going well. She tends to stick in the house more than I'd ideally like with the baby, but I'm not pushing it since it's winter and baby can't crawl or really go a playground yet. They get to the library sometimes.

How do I speak to her about cleaning as she goes, keeping the house neater etc. ? I think I hesitate because it's less kid related and more housekeeping...but these are things we talked about when she was hired. I'm thinking it might be good to set a time for us to check-in next week. I want to hear from her how it's been going as well. Just don't want to make it feel confrontational and I also know she has a lot going on in her personal life and tends to be sensitive.

[Anonymous]

The two things you mention are precisely what separates daycares jobs from nanny roles- the child-related household duties and outings. I don't think this should be surprise. Is she happy in the role?

[Anonymous]

I didn't express it as a surprise and this is why I outlined both (primarily the housework) in the agreement we made together. At the preschool there were frequent outings as well. I'm wondering how to address it in a constructive way, so she's clear about her responsibilities.

She does seem happy – always glad to see the children and has expressed how much she likes being here. But I also want to give her a chance to speak to anything that's on her mind or would work better for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn't express it as a surprise and this is why I outlined both (primarily the housework) in the agreement we made together. At the preschool there were frequent outings as well. I'm wondering how to address it in a constructive way, so she's clear about her responsibilities.

She does seem happy – always glad to see the children and has expressed how much she likes being here. But I also want to give her a chance to speak to anything that's on her mind or would work better for her.

A 3 month sit down check in seems appropriate in this situation. You can find a performance review online and use that as a conversation springboard or just discuss these points and set a time for another check in regarding progress.

[Anonymous]

I'd just speak directly. "I'd like you to take more initiative and clean as you go through the day. I'd like to come home to a clean house. DD6 is old enough to put her dishes in the sink/on the counter next to the sink. Please make sure she cleans up one mess before making another."

[Anonymous]

I was brought up to "clean as you go along" but most people aren't. What difference does it make when it gets cleaned as long as the area is s cleaned when she hands it over to you. Also, we each work at our own pace. Criticizing when she decides to clean is not constructive but rather it is nitpicking and it will create an undercurrent of resentment.

[Anonymous]

Hey, a nanny here. It takes a lot more years of experience, my dears, to do those things OP outlined. She is probably just keeping up with the kids' duties as it is. I would say, let her be. Does she clean up the highchair, tray, floor, etc.? If she leaves rinsed dishes in the sink without putting them in a dishwasher that should be OK with most parents since the baby does not use a lot of dishes, as long as the highchair is all clean, and the floor as well. 8 month olds are busy little things, and honestly if kids are fine and she cleans up baby-related mess, leave it alone OP. Nannies are sensitive folk and do not like critique. Of course, if you are paying something like $35 an hour then
you are probably expecting certain things, but I hope you don't, since you said it is her first nanny job. You are basically training her.

[Anonymous]

..PP here. DO mention that you are so, so happy when the baby goes on walks, you wish she went every day! Not tomorrow, haha. too cold.

[Anonymous]

In terms of outings you could sign them up for a class or two (music, baby yoga, etc.) just to get her in the routine of going out even if the baby can't do much just yet! My daughter loved music class at that age.

[Anonymous]

With covid, colds and flu, she is better off not taking the baby out. The baby is 8 months. There is no need for classes. Usually they are for the adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have a nanny for the first time and it's also her first time being a nanny. She's been with us since Nov. 2022

We have two DDs, an almost 6 year old and an 8 month old. We've known her for 3+ years because she was the assistant in our older daughter's preschool class and she was leaving the preschool and looking to pick up a childcare spot for the year. She's lovely and our daughters love her. I knew because she had never been a nanny before there would be a learning curve (for both of us) but I am finding I have to manage her a lot.

We had a clear written agreement before starting about her responsibilities such as cleaning up after the kids, doing their laundry and dishes etc. But now I am finding I have to really prompt her to do these things. When the baby naps I am fine with her taking a break, having some coffee and phone time but also think it should be a window to clean up from the last meal. When I nudge her to do this, she will but it seems like an afterthought and I'd like her to take more iniatiative. Often when I get home from work the house feels like a bit of a disaster. I know it's hard to keep it neat with the kids – I make a mess too – but would also like her to clean as she goes more and not let things pile up. I find myself loading the dishwasher when I get home.

Otherwise things are going well. She tends to stick in the house more than I'd ideally like with the baby, but I'm not pushing it since it's winter and baby can't crawl or really go a playground yet. They get to the library sometimes.

How do I speak to her about cleaning as she goes, keeping the house neater etc. ? I think I hesitate because it's less kid related and more housekeeping...but these are things we talked about when she was hired. I'm thinking it might be good to set a time for us to check-in next week. I want to hear from her how it's been going as well. Just don't want to make it feel confrontational and I also know she has a lot going on in her personal life and tends to be sensitive.

You should stay home with your child because if you had Nanny Poppins, you would be complaining.

[Anonymous]

There is no such thing as constructive criticism no matter what you think.

[Anonymous]

I am a nanny and I can tell you, the first time I am criticized would be my last day. We work hard and plan our days as best as we can, each to our own abilities. I do take my kids out on a typical day but sometimes I am so exhausted that I stay inside 2 days in a row even in fine weather, and never ever parents tell me anything about it. I do tell them that "sorry, I was too tired to go on a walk today."

[Anonymous]

So as a nanny you’ve never been given feedback?

If OP is not happy with the nanny, don’t you think they should have a check in.

FWIW it didn’t sound like she cares about the baby going out.

[Anonymous]

Jane, as we're hitting the 3 month mark of having you with us I want to set aside some time to see how things are going for you. I'd like to know whether the job is what you expected, which parts you especially enjoy, what you're finding more challenging, how Bob and I are doing as employers, what would be helpful to you going forward, and so on.

I think it will probably be helpful for us to have regular time to touch base as the kids evolve, seasons change, pandemics ebb (fingers crossed!) and all that.

I also want to make sure that Bob and I are communicating effectively with you, and that the three of us build a relationship where we work together well.

How about lunch during the kids' nap next Thursday?

Then - you go into that meeting really asking and listening to the answers to questions like the above for her - how is she feeling, what is working, what is she finding harder than expected, does she have any constructive feedback for you? (NOTE - feedback, not criticism.)

You will learn how she is feeling - which is critical. And that kind of approach may give you opportunities to learn how you can do better, and may also open the door to the kinds of things you'd like to see done differently.

What you should shoot for is not providing constructive criticism, but having regular conversations about collaborating effectively with your nanny, and ensuring that expectations are clear on all sides. And you have to really try to make sure you're willing to listen/learn/adapt as much as you ask her to do.

Also, every nanny brings different talents and challenges to the job - just as we all do in whatever we do. Some will be brilliant at time management and tidiness, but less warm and loving with the kids. Some may be absolute loving, warm, creative, resourceful companions but be terrible at structured nap routines. Some will be naturally organized and tidy and others just won't. It's always a give and take. So don't expect perfection. Do know what your most critical priorities are and be sure you're clear in communicating those and in hiring accordingly.

The nanny/employer relationship is tough. It's so very personal, and so deeply important. And it's incredibly hard to keep professional boundaries. But establishing clear, professional relationships from the start will help.